Tina Ferrari & Ashley Cartier vs. The Heavy Metal Sisters (Chainsaw & Spike)
March 1, 1986
GLOW #1.5 – Royal Hawaiian’s Reign Part 2

Reviewed by Steve Case (VOW Author Page)

Gifted by Taylor Maimbourg (VOW Author Page / Jumping Bomb Audio)

I really enjoyed the GLOW Netflix series. Marc Maron and Allison Brie were great in their roles. As was Betty Gilpin, who I think received some awards love for her role. It was funny and sweet, and it really painted that show in a fun light. You had Alex Riley as Steel Horse, doing Bon Jovi proud. You had Carlito and John Hennigan as trainers on the show. Though the less said about Mr. Monopoly brainwashing Steel Horse’s girlfriend, the better. Trust me.

I’ve watched other documentaries about the short-lived “promotion,” if you can really call it that, and I greatly enjoyed them as well. The show was a great time capsule for that era in very good and bad ways. It was the 80s, mind you. That said, it did push powerful women to the forefront and gave women’s wrestling a platform unlike they had ever had in the United States at that point. It also produced a future WWF Women’s champion in Ivory (Tina Ferrari, featured in this match).

Speaking of this match, what a ride this was. I had never watched a full GLOW match, only snippets from the various documentaries. The aforementioned Tina Ferrari walks into the ring with her tag partner Ashley Cartier’, who we are told has a birthday on this night. Spike and Chainsaw, their opponents already in the ring, together known as the Heavy Metal Sisters, let us know they have a very special gift for Ashley in a pre-taped promo. They also got “a hand” from Ashley’s boyfriend in finding out what to get her. They are screaming and snarling at Ashley and Tina in their Misfits/Motley Crue-inspired garb and makeup, but still present the gift to Ashley. Ashley opens the gift to find THEY SAWED OFF HER BOYFRIEND’S ARM AND WRAPPED IT.

I got a huge pop from the commentator saying, “Look how real that arm looks!”

The next 7-8 minutes can be best described as pure chaos. There’s hair pulling and screaming and arm wringers galore. The Heavy Metal Sisters are disqualified when they bring an actual chainsaw into the ring and attempt to murder poor Tina, though she is saved when Ashley grabs a comb and tries to comb Spike’s hair. Tina then ties the chainsaw to the ropes, which throws Chainsaw into a rage.

I mentioned earlier that this was a real, not gimmicked, chainsaw. I know this because eventually, Chainsaw unties the chainsaw, saws Ashley’s mink coat into pieces, and then chases her away from the ring, to the delight of Grandpa Pete, Grandma Ethel, and what looks like Betty White on steroids at ringside. This interrupted an impromptu dance routine by Ashley and Tina. Hey, they aren’t all mat classics.

We are then focused on poor Tina alone in the ring after security puts Spike in a straitjacket. The chaos seems to have wound down…..BUT WAIT! Jungle Girl attacks her in a wild fury of hair-pulling, head-bouncing, and body-tossing. They are separated, but Jungle Girl then goes into the crowd. She finds a generic-looking guy wearing a sweater vest and drags him by the collar into the ring. She strips him down to what looks like the Borat swimsuit (you know, the one) made of vines. We are told by commentary that this young man is Nature Boy. This begins the love story that eventually produces Jungle Boy.

I made that last sentence up.

The screen goes black for a few seconds, then we are treated to a handful of the GLOW ladies making hilariously bad dad jokes, complete with all the innuendos you’d expect for the time. It’s very reminiscent of the episode of the Netflix series that was made as an actual episode of GLOW. Just much less Maron, Brie, and Gilpin. This was an experience I did not regret, so thank you to whoever sent me this gift.

I can’t give it my Secret Santa Cookie rating, but I’ll sit back and enjoy it with a couple instead.