Mankind vs. Santa Claus
December 20, 1999
WWF Monday Night RAW

As one gets older, they learn to smile and find use for gifts they don’t want. I don’t fault the source of the gift, I review WWE a bit on my show, one would think I like the Attitude Era. If one listens to my show, they know I love unrepentant stupidity. I mostly don’t like it mixed with main event talent. Hell, I even mostly like Mick Foley and Cactus Jack matches. But, we are squarely in the “Mick Foley is popular to fans but we don’t see upside in his talent or his personal safety” era.

When this match first happened I was a month into a new “backup” job fresh off of washing out of another television writing gig. That job lasted 19 years.

Earlier that night, the New Age Outlaws defeated Test in a 2-on-1 handicap match; and the Dudleys defeated Mae Young and Moolan and the Acolytes. Meanwhile, on Nitro, Madusa would beat Buzzkill and Bret Hart would beat Goldberg after the Outsiders came in with baseball bats and Jeff Jarrett hit Roddy Piper with a guitar.

I was a man without a country. 

I think I watched FMW compilations acquired from the legendary Burbank Fry’s DVD section to soothe my pain. Nothing but porn and wrestling. Tera Patrick and Japanese garbage wrestling? Why not both?

So Michael Cole is interviewing Mankind and mentions Mick’s book on Santa which is a new release, so right away, I’m fairly certain this is Vince or HHH giving a “fuck you” to Mick, because, well he’s a nerd who loves his family and Christmas. He has to face Santa in a Boiler Room match, and when Cole asks Foley if he’s happy, Mick doesn’t play it straight, rather playing for laughs about having to kick him in the belly, etc so I’m thinking this was Xanta Claus or an obvious disguise because of the lack of emotional resonance. After an attack by the Mean Street Posse, Mankind is thrown into the Boiler Room….

…and it’s supposed to be the real Santa. A precursor to Vince fighting God, I suppose. No explanation of how Santa got there; I guess if you put a name on a contract, that person gets summoned for a match, like a CAW site from Hell where every B celeb and video game character is there, but you can’t get a decent Tully Blanchard because no one remembers him being good.

Mankind thankfully lets Santa go win this match to stay on the Nice List, but then YULE TIDE (™ the Tick) as Santas in disguise attack and swarm, and JR is appalled and Michael Hayes is phoning it in tonight. Jerry Lawler and the Kat are in Los Angeles for the premiere of Man on the Moon. Jerry was, of course, very popular in Hollywood as an older man with arm candy half his age, everyone thought he was a producer.

So I was on the Universal lot when this movie was being shot, and Jim Carrey was an absolute dickbag. He thought dressing up as the Gimp from Pulp Fiction and then scaring Asian tourists on the tram tour or dressing up as a homeless man rolling in the trash and cussing out theme park guests was “method acting” and this is what he thought “Andy” (which you had to refer to him as) would do. Coming off Liar Liar this would begin Jim Carrey’s unsuccessful attempts at Oscar bait. 

By the way, we reviewed the entire Kaufman vs. Lawler on Shake Them Ropes:

So the New Age Outlaws get their shots in and the final shot is,  of course, HHH who makes a Christmas reference and tells Mankind to “Suck It.” Later we cut to the McMahon-Helmsley dressing room where HHH is taking off Santa pants and Al Snow isn’t mad at HHH for beating on his friend, he’s mad at the Rock for putting a wedge in the friendship. HE IS TAKING OFF HIS PANTS Al…you moron.

Don’t want to guess the giver, this is my fault for not being involved enough in the Slack to let people know what I like or don’t like. Thank you for the attempt, Secret Santa. My snark is in no way directed at you.