On July 4, 1776, America declared its independence from the British in one hell of an angle. They then defeated the British in a **** ¼ rated match that went a little long and had interference by the French, but the match stipulation of “YAY FREEDOM” was honored (terms and conditions applied, there were exemptions and exceptions. Didn’t apply to everyone. For further information. please read ANY ACTUAL DAMN HISTORY!).

On July 4, 2021 the magic writing girl celebrated Independence Day with discount taquitos, alcohol, a cat clinging from her left boob, and GCW’s Backyard Wrestling 3. A whole slew of questionable decisions and contents that lead to one heck of an afternoon of fuckery, bullshittery, and why would you do that-worthy content that all best exemplifies what GCW goes for with these shows. What I’m saying is, I knew what I expected, and got exactly what I wanted.

Wonderful!

When watching GCW Backyard Wrestling 3, you have to know exactly what you are getting into, or at least have hints and ideas. You got to realize you are entering a world where everything is different and if you don’t understand or gel with the program you are going to have a bad time. There are no star ratings here, there’s hardly any long-term storytelling here. The pyrotechnics, stage decorations, sound quality, and even beer choices are low as hell. You got wrestlers taking up backyard-esque names (and no I won’t be telling you who is supposed to be actually who. That requires work and I’m off the clock). This show is a wreck, a mess, an overly wet sloppy joe on a soggy bun in 110-degree heat with 90 percent humidity, and before I get any further and you get the wrong impression, I loved almost every second of it. I had one hell of a time.

I mean back the hell up they had an inflatable flamingo (looming ominously) in the above-ground pool. It just floated around not giving a single solitary damn the entire show. It is now my #1 vote for non-wrestler of the year and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Rock on Flamingo. You did nothing and got over. You are living the dream. What a worker. You know the moment you saw the set up you were about to see a lot of head-scratching bad ideas. There was a scaffold to jump off, a trampoline to jump on, a pool to jump in and out of, and… and… ugh, I’m losing my train of thought here. My apologies. Blame it on the booze. The point is, THE POINT IS GCW’s BACKYARD WRESTLING was a hell of a lot of fun. I’m not a fan of the “you got shut off your brain to enjoy this” type of explanation, but it’s pretty close here. You don’t have to shut off your brain, but you have to temporarily reprogram it. You aren’t using star ratings, you are judging your enjoyment by half-empty cans of the white claw (And if you are a true GCW fan that scale probably gets broken really quick. You aren’t looking for the best wrestling of the year, you are looking for roughly three hours of pure and utter chaos that you let grab you harder than a Von Erich claw hold. GCW Backyard Wrestling is silly, it’s violent, it’s stupid, it’s fun, it’s dumb. It’s hella dumb, and I hella ate it all up. You got crotches on fire, you got light tubes, you got excessive trampoline spots, and if you pay close attention, really close attention, you get wrestling! A MIRACLE!

Are there some backhand compliments here?

Damning with faint praise?

Am I looking for the slimmest of reasons to hype this show up?

HELL NO, I mean exactly what I say on everything I say with the highest compliments.  I got giddy the moment the show started, and my smile never left my face. Okay, at some moments it left my face only to be replaced with an expression of “Oh Shit” or “Ugh, that didn’t look fun!” This show obviously isn’t going to fancy everyone, and that’s fine, that’s fair, that’s a reality I really don’t care about. This isn’t a guilty pleasure, this is a full-force you tell someone “yeah I enjoy this shit, what’s it to you?” without breaking eye contact because what do you have to feel guilty about? You’ve seen what makes other people cheer, you aren’t impressed.

I’m not going to be sprinkling the stars for any of these matches as if I was star rating bae. No, the magic writing girl is instead going to shout out a few of her spotlight moments. Moments such as Big Vin fall away slamming someone by flipping backward over the top rope and into the ring. Diablo hitting a falcon arrow on the top of a car on poor Aerial Crow. They then fought in a tree. A TREE! This is not what is meant to branch out your offense, but here we are! (yes even my jokes are backyard-esque quality!) Dexter White chokeslams Otis White off a scaffold through light tubes. A moment that even my car I’m pretty sure went “OH SHIT” at.

These moments aren’t done!

Paco Loco Pazuzu Bombs KC Kwik into a burial plot covered in light tubes in perhaps one of the most brutal spots of the night. I cringed and cackled because yes it was painful, but it was also wonderfully absurd. We had Clyde Marrow doing offense while smoking a blunt at the same time! Emanom’s crotch got set on fire and it now burns when he pees. I know I’m just listing moments and not giving overall match thoughts, but trust me I’m doing all I can to give you a sample of the “what-the-hell are they thinking” you are getting with this show. I’m not going over my entire list of notes cause it gets deep and ridiculous. Colby Corino jumps off a scaffold and lands on Mayday Jack who is chilling (well laid out) on the floating Flamingo. Pizza Cat Jr, whose family line runs deep (dish), gets liger bombed into the pool. I could go on, and I’m pretty sure my editor would rather I didn’t. The point is, there were a lot of memorable, questionable, and reckless moments. If it was on the property, you are pretty sure it got used. Pools, cars, burial plots, bounce house water slides, a swing set, a horse trailer.

In fact, the show ended in the only way it can, someone getting blown up in the horse trailer. Yes, that is the only way this show could’ve possibly ended, I will be taking no questions or counterpoints at this time. AMERICA!

As I read back my review I realized my review is a mess, but so is this show.

Don’t mistake that comment. It is a wonderful mess. It is the best kind of mess I could ask for. A mess I don’t want to ever be cleaned up.  I loved this show. It was the perfect way to celebrate the 4th of July. Forget needlessly loud and expansive fireworks, forget excessive displays of unhealthy blind nationalism, and forget going to a cookout with a “grill master” who cooks your burgers the same way despite asking everyone how they like them. I’m looking at you grillmaster42069. You know who you are, you’re grilling abilities are a scam.  No, this is how I want to spend my day off getting paid and pretending to be patriotic about it, watching GCW Backyard Wrestling.

GCW Backyard wrestling shows are, going forward, my favorite Independence Day tradition. In the famous words attributed to Patrick Henry. “Give me liberty, or give me star-spangled skewers in a wrestler’s forehead for my entertainment.” I’m pretty sure that quote is accurate.