JOEY RYAN’S PENIS PARTY
FRIDAY, APRIL 5
NEW YORK CITY HILTON MIDTOWN
On paper one of the wackiest shows of the weekend, Joey Ryan’s Penis Party will be taking place on Friday at 8PM, going head to head with NXT Takeover: New York and Joey Janela’s Spring Break Part 1.
Penis Party is clearly going to be a light show with comedy, weird stuff and an under-the-radar match that could end up surprising many attendees. With the high prices of NXT’s tickets and Spring Break being sold out, Penis Party is a great third option. But fear not, there’s some interesting stuff in the card and, depending on your sense of humor, this could be an ideal way to spend the night with your friends.
TAYA VALKYRIE & JOHN MORRISON VS. PENTAGÓN JR. & FÉNIX
I don’t have too much to say about this one. Taya always work hard and I like her hard-hitting style; Fénix and Penta are all over the weekend and are always entertaining. John Morrison can be hit or miss, but I’m looking forward to seeing him alongside his wife: maybe their chemistry – combined with the Lucha Bros hard-working attitude – can push this match to be one of this show’s best.
DAVID ARQUETTE VS. TIMOTHY THATCHER
After shooting against Nick Gage, David Arquette is getting in the ring with another scary badass. Luckily, Arquette won’t get his neck sliced open with glass this time, but he could end up getting at least one arm broken.
Arquette is awesome, he can do some basic fun moves and I really admire his passion and will to find crazy opponents in order to entertain us all. I just hope we don’t get Thatcher having Arquette in the mat for 10 minutes: I want slaps, I want limb torture and I want no mercy from Thatcher.
DAN BARRY VS. BILL CARR
Team Tremendous implodes in a match that should be quite entertaining. Barry can work technical, high-flyer and comedy styles, and while the latter is in line with the vibe of Penis Party, I hope we get more of a serious encounter. Obviously, Barry and Carr have tremendous chemistry so don’t sleep on this one, we might be surprised.
PUMA KING VS. BLACK TAURUS VS. MR. IGUANA VS. SHARK BOY VS. GREEN ANT
This has spotfest written all over it and I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up being Match of the Night. I’m very confident this will deliver because Black Taurus and Mr. Iguana will be in it.
If you haven’t heard of him, Black Taurus is one big, mean luchador that dresses like a bull: he’s fast, he’s powerful and he’s on his way to becoming one of 2019’s breakout stars. He’s a AAA standout and he’ll probably show up in AEW to cause havoc. In this match, I want him to destroy everyone. At the end of it, I want to see Taurus standing tall with the heads of his opponents rolling around him.
Mr. Iguana is a Mexican freelancer whose gimmick is destined to get over in this show. If you haven’t figured it out yet, just add an ‘a’ between the first and second letters of his name. But don’t expect only comedy, this guy is entertaining, creative and is not afraid to take crazy bumps; also, he has worked with Black Taurus before so I expect some of their chemistry translating here.
Puma King is always a solid hand and he will perfectly blend in this match. Shark Boy is not very active, but he’ll bring some good laughs and fun spots. I’m not a CHIKARA expert but I’ve heard Green Ant is a good prospect with tons of potential and I’m very interested in seeing him perform here.
My official prediction is that everyone will come out of this remembering who Black Taurus is.
MATT STRIKER, CHUCKIE T & TRENT BARETTA VS. MIKE BABCHIK VS. TOMMY DREAMER & COLT CABANA
Mike Babchik has a show on something called ‘Mad Dog Sports Radio’. I don’t understand why is he wrestling or why should his involvement make me excited. All I know is that he is not a professional wrestler. His opponent Matt Striker is not a good professional wrestler either. I love Chuckie T and Trent as single wrestlers, but their Best Friends stuff has never landed with me. So, despite my love for Colt Cabana, I gotta say that this comedy match is not for me and looks like the worst match of the card.
ROSEMARY & ALLIE VS. HOLIDEAD & THUNDER ROSA
While I haven’t closely followed their crazy storyline on Impact Wrestling, I love the team of Rosemary and Allie: both are some of my favorite female wrestlers and I’ve seen enough of their matches to know that their chemistry is excellent. Thunder Rosa has slowly improved her ring skills and knows how to get over with crowds; having her in the same ring as Rosemary should be pretty fun, especially if you are fan of Lucha Underground or Impact’s Undead Realm stuff. This won’t be a wrestling masterpiece, but it definitely fits with the theme of this show.
JOEY RYAN, VAL VENIS & SEXXXY EDDY VS. SESSION MOTH MARTINA, PRISCILLA KELLY & SCARLETT BORDEAUX
This is it. The match that will give Jim Cornette a stroke. Let’s see. Joey Ryan uses his penis to throw people around, Priscilla Kelly has made herself viral by using tampons as weapons and vomiting on Joey Ryan’s penis, Session Moth Martina’s shtick is to get drunk and twerk until there’s no tomorrow, Val Venis is famous for his Attitude Era porn star gimmick and Scarlett Bordeaux is quite adept at hypnotizing men with her mesmerizing beauty.
This match is going to be disgusting and if you’re into this kind of comedy, this will make you laugh a ton. It’s certain to say that GIFs from this show will get viral and people will get upset. My prediction is that, after successfully having puked over all three of the opposing team members, Priscilla Kelly will pin Joey Ryan while Scarlett is distracting Sexxxy with her beauty and Session Moth is making out with Val Venis in a corner.