Joey Janela’s Spring Break 2
Friday, April 6 (11:55 pm)
Pontchartrain Convention Center
SPRING BREEEEEEAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKK!!!! Yes, it’s here again. Last year, Joey Janela’s Spring Break took WrestleMania Weekend by storm, and now Janela is back again with Spring Break II, a card that looks even crazier than the first edition.
Usually, on these things, we preview the match and then give a prediction of who we think will win. But, let’s be honest with each other. Honesty is the foundation of any good relationship. Does anyone really give a shit about who wins these matches? Absolutely not! (Note: if you DO care about who wins the matches, tweet me @tamaimbo) So, instead of offering predictions, I’m going to be like a fine French restaurant and offer a RECOMMENDED DRINK PAIRING. I’ll let you know what kind of alcoholic beverage you should imbibe while watching each match. As a note, doing all of these suggestions together is probably dangerous for your health, but you gotta live your own life, you know? Let’s go!
Mike Quackenbush vs. David Starr
I have no idea what order these matches are in, so I figured might as well start with what will most likely be the most “serious” match of the card. That isn’t saying much with this card, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. This match has certainly had the most sincere build, as the video released announcing this match had David Starr discussing the fact that facing Mike Quackenbush has been his dream for many years. With Starr involved, I’m sure there will be a sprinkling of comedy, but this looks to fill the spot that Keith Lee vs. Lio Rush did at last year’s event: a solid wrestling match between two supremely talented wrestlers in the midst of absolute insanity. I’m hoping to see at least 10 submission moves from these men that I’ve never seen before.
Recommended Pairing: This looks like it’s going to be a classic grappling encounter between two true professionals, so you need a classic drink: the old fashioned. Take a small sip before explaining to your friends the origins of the Chikara Special or swirl your ice while you run down the list of David Starr’s nicknames. If you want a real challenge, take a sip every time someone gets put in a submission hold, but as a warning, you’ll finish your drink pretty fast that way.
WALTER vs. Pierre Carl Ouellet
This may be a lighthearted show, but I think that message never got to Pierre Carl Ouellet, as he has spent the last few weeks posting videos of him training like he’s about to go into war. In his most recent video, he bends a metal bar in half before screaming into the camera for WALTER, spittle running down his chin.
— Bad Boy Joey Janela (@JANELABABY) March 28, 2018
He means business and he wants a fight. Luckily for him, he’s across the ring from a man who will be more than willing to give him the fight of his life. WALTER has had an incredible 2018, absolutely destroying his opponents and more often than not leaving their chests bruised and bloody. Will he be able to do the same with PCO? Who knows, but what I do know is that both men are going to attempt to beat the holy hell out of each other until their bodies give out. Where’s the beef? It’s in this match.
Recommended Pairing: This is going to be a no-nonsense, gritty and brutal fight, so it’s time to crack open a beer. Get a six-pack and just start slamming ‘em back. Just be careful not to spit your beer everywhere when WALTER gives PCO the loudest chop you’ve ever heard. For bonus points, drink a Molson Canadian or a Warsteiner to salute these two foreign behemoths.
Matt Riddle vs. James Ellsworth
This preview, hopefully like this match, is going to be short. I hope Matt Riddle comes out and runs through Ellsworth in record time. If there was ever a time for a UWF shoot-style match during WrestleMania weekend, this is it. Might have to scrape Ellsworth off the mat at the end of this one.
— Bad Boy Joey Janela (@JANELABABY) March 20, 2018
Recommended Pairing: If this match is as short as I think it will be, you are going to need to drink something FAST. After sipping an old fashioned and guzzling down a few beers, it’s finally time to CHUG. Buy some Smirnoff Ices and start Ice-ing your friends. Or if you’re truly crazy, Ice yourself. Smirnoff Ices are a bit like James Ellsworth – one might be alright, but more than that and you’re liable to get sick.
Only Chris Dickinson and “Session” Moth Martina have been announced for this match, so here’s a list of guesses as to who might be in the match:
- High Voltage
- A Guy Who Only Speaks In Quotes From The 1976 Oscar-Winning Film Network
- Kyle The Beast
- Alison Brie
- Michael Nakazawa
- Kris Wolf
- Cat Scratch Frederick
- Jimmy Lloyd
- Timothy Thatcher
- Lingerie Muto
- Braden Walker
- Gabe Sapolsky
- Jenna Morasca
- Minoru Suzuki
- A Fan Who Will Think Its Funny To Hop Into The Ring, But It Won’t Be
- Leva Bates
- A WWE Slammy Award
Recommended Pairing: Alright, now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s time to go hard. This Clusterfuck is going to have a lot going on, and we need a drink with a lot going on: the Adios Motherfucker. What’s in an Adios Motherfucker? Good thing you asked! It’s vodka, rum, gin, tequila, Blue Curacao, sweet and sour mix and 7-Up. Have even one of these things and you will be on the moon, I guarantee it.
Penta El 0M vs. Nick Gage
A lot has been made recently of the strict rules imposed on wrestling by the Louisiana Athletic Commission. I’m not sure what will happen during the weekend in regards to the rules, but I know if there is any single match that is likely to cause the commission a lot of trouble, it will be this match. No piledrivers? Nick Gage will do one on the hardest concrete he can find. No Canadian Destroyers? Penta will do ten in one match. There are rules against it, but if at least one person in this match isn’t covered in blood by the end of it, I would be absolutely shocked. This will be the ugliest match you ever see in the very best way possible.
Recommended Pairing: Like with WALTER and PCO, we’re going back to beer, but we won’t be drinking anything as classy as Molson Canadian. Go to your local convenience store and buy 40s of the lowest quality beer you can find – Olde English 800, King Cobra, Colt 45, it doesn’t matter. Crack them open and throw them down. For those truly insane folks, buy two 40s, tape them to your hands and play Edward 40 Hands – don’t take the tape off until you’ve finished.
Joey Janela vs. Great Sasuke
In all seriousness, this is my most anticipated match of the entire weekend. Great Sasuke is one of the best and most insane people in all of wrestling, and I CANNOT WAIT to see what wild shit he gets into. One of the most recent matches I saw him in had him being dangerously tossed off of high places while he was in a barrel. He could do anything. Is there a ladder there? He will jump off of it from as high as he can get. Tables and chairs? He’ll use them. It will be madness. And that’s to take nothing away from Janela, who will be probably be matching him move for move in the “crazy shit” department. Don’t, don’t, don’t miss this one. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
Hey @the_greatsasuke This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud… @GCWrestling_ pic.twitter.com/xgtEASdvtD
— Bad Boy Joey Janela (@JANELABABY) March 6, 2018
Recommended Pairing: Look, this is the main event of SPRING BREAK, so we are going to cap it off celebrating in SPRING BREAK STYLE: buy a handle of tequila and start doing shots. Do them at random or do one every time Great Sasuke or Joey Janela does something that makes you shake your head in disbelief (you’ll have plenty of opportunities for that). If a good friend will consent to it, do body shots! Try and do two at once! There’s no wrong way to do a shot unless the alcohol doesn’t end up in your mouth! It’s SPRING BREAK BABY GO WILD!!!