Good news, graps fans: Reality TV Eva Marie has finally found her soulmate.
In perhaps the greatest buddy comedy/rom-com of all time, Eva has partnered up with Maryse, her incredible new soul sister, with whom she can do things like go shopping for butt-revealing swimsuits, quoting “Pretty Woman” and then high-fiving, and talking about the difficulties of juicing (the drink, not the drugs; Maryse is doing a cleanse) and driving without wearing underwear.
It’s basically a match made in heaven.
“You know I’ve had my issues with every single girl in the locker room,” Eva says, and it’s probably only a matter time before she has her issues with this one too, but in the meantime, she and Maryse are going to do a Baywatch-themed photo shoot together for their husbands because The Miz has been off shooting a movie for a while and girlie photos are apparently Maryse’s love language. (The theme is all Eva’s idea, though, in case you were wondering whether she’s given up her dreams of growing up to be The Rock.)
Maryse isn’t able to turn Eva on to her juice cleanse, but she does drag her to Sonya Dakar Skin Clinic for some pre-shoot prepping of the extreme variety — heated body wraps, light treatments, and what looks like cellulite reduction therapy and sounds, from Eva Marie’s screams, like torture.
“That’s how it’s supposed to feel!” the aesthetician (Sonya Dakar herself, perhaps?) shouts over Eva’s wails.
On the day of the shoot, Eva shows up at Chez Mizanin to help Maryse pack the car. They might be better off with a moving van, as Maryse insists on cramming everything from photo shoot props to makeup vanities into the back of an SUV. She starts to get snippy as Eva repeatedly refers to her as “Pam,” needling her for her Baywatch photo obsession.
“Let’s have a beach shoot, they said,” Eva monotones as she hauls more gear to the car. “It will be fun, she said.”
When they finally arrive at the beach for their shoot, Maryse has gripe after gripe after snipe for everyone on set, from Eva to the photographer to her makeup artist. Her biggest issue seems to be energy — as in, she doesn’t have any.
“I just don’t want to be doing this for an hour,” she complains when the photographer asks her to jog down the beach. (As a reminder, this woman is a professional athlete.)
Eva’s got Maryse’s number: She’s hangry.(I’m telling you, they’re made for each other) As in, all she’s consumed for the five days prior has been juice. So after their ultimate blowup, Eva Marie insists that they press pause on the shoot so Maryse can go eat a burger, which she does, getting ketchup in her hair in the process.
“When you’re really good friends with somebody, it’s your obligation to slap a bitch,” Eva says, sagely.
Feel the Glow
Back at work, Trinity (Naomi) has finally worn down Corporate Ax-Wielder Mark Carrano into letting her try out the blacklight/glow-in-the-dark entrance she’s been working on for “two years” by Natalya’s estimation. This is a big deal, Nattie keeps reminding Trin, because “Not just anyone gets the lights turned out in the arena for them.” In fact, pretty much just The Undertaker and the Wyatt Family. So no pressure.
One thing we learn this episode? Apparently, the Fatus have an entire room in their house painted black just for testing out Trinity’s Naomi glow gear.
On the day she’s supposed to present her new entrance to the producers, Trinity gets nice little pep talks from Carrano — who rightly refers to the Funkadactyls and Team B.A.D. as “all the baloney (Naomi has) been dealing with all these years” — and Nattie.
“The second you walk through the curtain and nail that entrance, you’re going to prove why you should be taken seriously,” Nattie says, with none of the wearied air of someone who understands what it is to linger on the mid-card year after year despite perennially being one of the best workers in the women’s division.
Of course, if you watch WWE at all, you probably know the ending to the story: The glow entrance is approved and launched on SmackDown, and IDK if that’s what proved she should be taken seriously, but I do know Naomi is the current SmackDown Women’s Champion.The odd couples
Finally, two little subplots featuring our favorite mismatched couples. First, newly retired Brie Bella has accepted husband Daniel Bryan-Danielson’s invitation to travel with him on the SmackDown tour, although she’s finding herself at loose ends (at one point actually filling her time by watching Bryan jump rope in an empty arena).
After Brie misses a Bella Twins conference call because of shady hotel wi-fi, Nikki calls her in for a lecture/heart-to-heart in classic Bella fashion. Brie decides she “can’t sit here and just be all about (her) husband,” so she decides to stop traveling with Bryan (who, of course, insists “I just want you to be happy,” because that’s what he does, unless her happiness involves drinking out of a disposable plastic water bottle, in which case he will knock it out of her hand without a moment’s hesitation).
And in California, Dean Ambrose and Renee Young are finally taking their long-awaited vacation to Lake Tahoe and Dean is ruining it.
Renee wants to be romantic and cook dinner; Dean orders pizza. Renee wants to go out to a nice dinner; Dean doesn’t have a shirt and tie. (He also wears a hoodie with no T-shirt underneath, which ew. Who does that?) He doesn’t “do combs” because his hair is “a wild mustang.”
“Stop spraying the wild mustang!” Dean shouts as Renee attempts to make him presentable.
The fancy dinner is a total fail, and the next night at a dive bar, Renee tells Dean she was hoping for a romantic “Lady and the Tramp” moment.
“‘Lady and the Tramp’ took place in an alley,” Dean points out. Blowing Renee’s WHOLE ENTIRE MIND in the process and making her realize that romance for her and Dean is the alley, not the Italian restaurant.
Also Renee Young’s favorite pizza is Hawaiian. In case you were ever worried she was too perfect.
