Welcome to the wacky world of Kaiju Big Battel, who put their stamp on WrestleMania weekend with Content of Champions featuring the in-ring return of Kota Ibushi. Every match is a main event and all championships (including brand new ones) are on the line!
KBB SOUTHERN DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
UNCLE PACO PLANTAIN DEF. HELL MONKEY W/ DR. CUBE
This match is to crown the inaugural Southern Division Champion, and features a monkey from hell and a Mexican plantain. Naturally, Hell Monkey hates Paco due to his resemblance to a banana. Look, we’re not even one match in and this isn’t going to be the most ridiculous thing I have to explain. Hell Monkey gets a three count early, but a four count is needed to win the match and the championship. Despite elaborate costumes, both competitors are able to maneuver fairly swiftly and the match sticks to a fast pace. Dr. Cube tries to interfere, but accidently batters Hell Monkey with a bottle of Hell Monkey Chilli Sauce. Paco Plantain follows with a splash for the four count and claims the Southern Division Championship. Paco is a fan favourite and the crowd was hot, maybe even hotter than Hell Monkey’s sauce.
KBB ARM WRESTLING CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
DUSTO BUNNY (C) DEF. STEAM POWERED TENTACLE BOULDER
Dusto Bunny looks exactly like your childhood nightmares. Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder is exactly what it sounds like. To win the belt you must pin your opponent’s arm down for the three count. Dusto wins an initial strength test, causing SPTB to lose its temper and throw a cardboard skyscraper at Bunny’s face as dust flies everywhere. Following a huge leg drop to Boulder’s tentacle arms, Dusto Bunny gets the pin in this clash of titans, retaining the title.
KBB PEOPLE’S CHOICE CHAMPIONSHIP
CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP DEF. AMERICAN BEETLE
Voted in by Big Battel fans, these two are fighting to crown this year’s People’s Choice Champion. Chicken Noodle Soup (my choice) is one of the more athletic competitors in the company, which is impressive considering he’s a can of soup. He gained his powers after a failed suicide attempt where he fell into a vat of chicken soup. Described as a jingoistic, patriotic beetle, American Beetle isn’t one to sleep on. This match between two fan favorites gets intense fast. A near fall occurs after Chicken Noodle Soup gets a corner cannonball, smashing multiple skyscrapers into Beetle. Beetle Mania runs wild, but a big boot, Atomic Leg Drop and EVEN an American Elbow can’t put away the resilient soup can. Chicken Noodle lands the Super Soup Punch, which is a pretty lame finisher, and takes the win.
Chicken Noodle Soup becomes champion, but shares the trophy with a random fan (who breaks it on his way out the ring, much to the horror of literally everyone). This was legitimately a good match, I would go three stars for sure.
After a performance by the fantastic Mega Ran (new album ‘Mat Mania’ out now), we’re on to our next set of main events.
KBB HASHTAG CHAMPIONSHIP
TUCOR DEF. FRENCH TOAST
Tucor is some kind of giant furry mole bird hybrid created by Dr. Cube, and has never won a match since its creation. But, with the fans tweeting that they want Tucor to challenge for the belt against French Toast tonight, Tucor could finally get its big win. French Toast is, again, exactly what you’d expect, and is definitely the favourite to win tonight. Toast has a major advantage in that it can’t be cross bodied, and its own crossbodies are devastating. However, there is a downside to being so delicious, Tucor starts to nibble on his opponent and somehow gets away with it! Toast hits a big splash after being hit with various tower blocks, inadvertently destroying the AT&T Stadium. Tucor bounces back and ascends to the top rope and goes for a double foot stomp that completely misses! It goes for the cover anyway and actually wins! This is a big deal, but the belt is under 24/7 rules, so don’t expect this to be a long reign.
KBB TRIPLICITY TEAM TITLE
SUNBUSTER, METAL WING and UNICORN PARTY DEF. THE IRON BROTHERS (CLAW, FIST AND MACE)
The intimidating Iron Brothers jump Metal Wing and Sunbuster before the match starts but Unicorn Party makes the save! The team of superheroes take on a group of enemies you might find in the cave of an RPG for the vacant trios championship. If you’re the kind of person to complain that Roman Reigns’ body armor must give him an unfair advantage, the Iron Brothers literally have iron armor pieces and weapons. Metal Wing challenges Mace to a guitar showdown, but Mace just bops him on the head with his axe and tags in Fist. Despite being a hero, Sunbuster has no problem throwing skyscrapers around. Fist hits a Five Knuckle Shuffle, which is especially calamitous considering Fist’s huge iron knuckles. Unicorn Party gets a huge comeback, swiping away the brothers with Metal Wing’s guitar, and using Sunbuster’s NES controller shield to block attacks. He hits the Start button and pauses the match, causing the Iron Brothers to all freeze in place! One standing moonsault later, and the heroes have won!
KBB GRAND TITLE
UCHU CHU DEF. DR. CUBE AND SILVER POTATO (C)
Before we get to the match, let me explain just who we’re talking about here. This iteration of Silver Potato debuted after coming out a dimension rift and won the Grand Title from Uchu Chu. The former Silver Potato was a dastardly assassin, but this one is a hero, for now at least. Uchu Chu is an insectoid alien Kaiju, and leads Team Space Bug, a faction opposed to both the heroes and Dr. Cube’s posse. Dr. Cube was created in a Nazi experiment, and now commands an army of Kaiju and minions.
Uchu Chu misses four standing moonsaults on Silver Potato in a row as Cube watches on to kick off. Silver Potato gets ganged up on, and in no dq, triple threat rules, the posse of DR. Cube soon gets involved, laying waste to poor Potato. One particular minion with a familiar haircut seems disobedient however, ripping off his uniform and gas mask to reveal… KOTA IBUSHI! This feud has literally been building for three whole years on Youtube, and now, we finally get to see Ibushi square off against Dr. Cube as his theme plays through the building! This is right up Kota’s street, and it isn’t long until he’s having fun in the mayhem of Kaiju Big Battel. He chases Cube and Tucor around the arena, it goes on way too long and the cameras barely catch any of it. Kota gives up on the chase after seeing the empty costume of Tucor lying defenseless in the ring. Now, Kota Ibushi is FANTASTIC at wrestling inanimate objects, so he challenges for the Hashtag Championships mid match! Tucor somehow gets Ibushi in a chokehold and kicks out of a pin when Kota reverses it. An elbow war ensues, and Tucor hits a Spanish Fly or a near fall. This promotion is insane, alright, but this crossover of DDT tropes makes for one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen, and I love it. Next, Tucor lands a Gotch Style Piledriver, truly giving the performance of its life. Tucor ascends once more, looking for the finish but gets caught with a pele kick! Kota hits an INSANE Golden Star Bomb from the top rope and wins the Hashtag Championship! Tucor is given mouth to mouth and carried out on a stretcher.
Dr. Cube returns and is knocked out by Kota before he leaves. The triple threat continues. Uchu Chu finally hits a moonsault, this time from the top rope to pin Silver Potato. Uchu Chu reclaims the Kaiju Big Battel Grand Title to close out the night!
This show delivered on the mayhem expected of it, and Kota Ibushi’s debut was a successful one. You can get access to Content of Champions and more at http://www.wwnlive.com. I look forward to the next Kaiju show, whenever that may be.
