This week’s episode of Total Divas is best evaluated on a scale determined by a simple question: Was what happened better or worse than the horrible sunburn I got on my back yesterday in Kona?

For the sake of scientific understanding, let me explain that the sunburn on my back is the color of Eva Marie’s hair, that it has clear white fingerprints around the edges to taunt me with the reminder that I would not be in this position if I had not been lazy enough to stop applying SPF at my shoulder blades, that it covers every inch of back that touches the mattress when I sleep, and that I cannot sleep on my stomach because I am also 20 weeks pregnant. Just so we’re all clear on how bad this sunburn is.

On to the episode.

Better Than Sunburn:

  • Our 2-year-old daughter, seeing Xavier Woods walk into frame in the first scene, excitedly asking “Mama, are you watching champeechamp?” (“Champeechamp,” or “championship,” has become her all-purpose term for all wrestling media, followed quickly by “Where’s John Cena?” because, you know — kids love John Cena) Then, after seeing Eva Marie sit down for a heart-to-heart with the Bella Twins, immediately announcing “No, we don’t wanna watch champeechamp.” Kid’s not stupid.

Worse Than Sunburn:

  • Learning that the Bellas and Eva Marie feuded in part by unfollowing one another on Instagram. Because middle school.
  • Eva Marie’s black lace hot pants jumpsuit. Booty shorts at the office? On your first day back? OK.

Also Worse Than Sunburn:

  • Nattie making the rounds at work, inviting everyone over to a party to cure Tyson “TJ” Kidd’s injury-related “depression.”
  • Learning that TJ is dealing with his down time by really getting his $9.99 worth, watching WWE more or less 24 hours a day.

Better Than Sunburn:

  • The revelation that R-Truth has a severe cat phobia. And so does Eva Marie. And so do a bunch of other people who wrestle one another for a living.
  • To be clear: There are multiple professional wrestlers in the WWE who are severely afraid of house cats.
  • Nattie explaining to the Neidhart family that all the cats have to be put away to protect the catphobic invitees. While wearing a cat mask. And setting out plates with pictures of cats on them.
  • For real, though, apparently Truth was once attacked by a large group of cats. And obviously Kofi Kingston’s toddler gets into the room where the cats are being kept, and obviously the cats get out, and obviously Truth then jumps up on the kitchen island and freaks out, accuses the cats of being killers, and then insists on having them locked in a closet in front of which he piles furniture, and which he ties shut using a long, complicated series of knots.

Worse Than Sunburn:

  • Nattie and TJ’s awkward conversation when he discovers she’s been telling their coworkers that he’s depressed.
  • TJ’s understanding of who Eeyore is (apparently he believes there’s a rain cloud involved).
  • Nattie’s sister’s continuing awkward flirtation with Big E.

Better Than Sunburn:

  • Everyone’s fake smiles when corporate hitman Mark Carrano brings Tough Enough runner-up Mandy Rose into a room with the Total Divas and announces that she’ll be coming on the road. Especially Paige’s out-loud expression of incredulity and requests for reassurance that Mandy will train at NXT and not just jump up to the main roster before she’s properly trained, paired with awkward camera cuts to Eva Marie, followed by Carrano’s reassurance that “we know exactly what we’re doing, OK?” something that’s definitely, absolutely only ever said by people who are totally maximally sure they know what they’re doing.
  • Eva and Mandy are totally going to be catty underdog soulmate Italian older-brother-having friends, and Eva is already planning a red-and-gold redux (sorry, Summer Rae).
  • Mandy’s lukewarm attitude toward her newfound ally: “I’m new. Somebody’s being nice to me. I’m going to go with it.”

Worse Than Sunburn:

  • Carrano and Mandy’s awkward hug. Also realizing that I have to go back and watch Tough Enough because apparently Mandy and Paige have beef from Paige’s stint as a judge.

Better Than Sunburn:

  • Evil Mastermind Carrano manufacturing drama by hiring a car service to ferry Paige, Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes, Eva Marie and Mandy all together awkwardly to the next stop. Awkward tension, table for five!

Worse Than Sunburn:

  • Paige and Eva’s toothless roadside apology conversation, which is even more insipid than Eva’s reconciliation with the Bellas.

Better Than Sunburn:

  • Foxy reacting to the news of Eva and Paige’s reconciliation by sarcastically commenting that she’s so happy things are going so well for them “on Sesame Street,” followed by an epic rant about why she owes Eva any kind of friendship.
  • Mandy suddenly realizing she has perhaps selected poorly in the bestie department.

Also, I’m not sure if this is better or worse, but the next stop for this uneasy fivesome turns out to be Total Intensity, a cosmetics company I’ve never heard of (I’ll let my husband insert his own “white whale” joke here) that is apparently releasing a Total Divas line. I suppose the question here isn’t “Why?” so much as “What took them so long?” After all, no one merchandises like the WWE.

Meanwhile, Worse Than Sunburn:

  • Having to watch everyone on the show aggressively not name the big national company that has offered the Bella Twins a big-money endorsement deal, that has a business model that falls well outside of Brie’s greenie comfort zone, and that also is obviously Carl’s Jr.
  • Yet another John Cena Is Yoda conversation during which Nikki gets her attitude adjusted by O Wise Cena for the one millionth time in Total Divas history (this time about how to build the Bella Brand despite the twins’ wildly disparate individual values).
  • Watching John Cena realize Nikki was only 12 when he was 18 and being really unnecessarily grossed out by himself.

Better Than Sunburn:

  • Nikki’s attempts to convince Brie to sacrifice her locavoristic values and cash in on the burger endorsement circuit (as she puts it, they’ve been offered the opportunity of a lifetime, “and you’re like, ‘I don’t know, let me check my farm-to-table listings'”).
  • Brie’s entire facial reaction to Nikki acting out the pretend commercial she’s making Brie stage in the backyard as part of her campaign to talk her into the endorsement deal with a company that is definitely not Carl’s Jr., OK?
  • Things Nikki pretends to sell in this commercial: Burgers, eggs, coffee, wheelbarrows. I’m not sure if she’s ever been to a… definitely not a Carl’s Jr. … but I would love to see her vision realized in a 30-second national TV spot.

In the meantime, excuse me, please, while I go forage the Big Island for aloe and ice packs.