Ninety-five percent of this week’s episode of “Total Divas” is the Bella twins sitting in various restaurants talking about how “cute” they are.
The other five percent is SummerSlam and the #DivasRevolution!
“Which is a huge storyline for us ’cause we all are involved,” Paige says. “Except for Nattie.”
Aw, Nattie. Poor Natalya is watching at home and being completely left out of the #DivasRevolution while she nursemaids her gravely injured husband, Tyson “TJ” Kidd, which mostly sucks for wrestling fans, since let’s be honest: Given the choice between watching Natalya wrestle and watching Alicia Fox or Brie Bella wrestle… well, it’s not a choice about which most of us would really have to think too hard.
When TJ goes in for surgery, his bromantic interest, Cesaro, shows up to drop off a bunch of balloons and make terrible medical jokes.
“Good thing it’s a CAT scan and not a dog scan,” he says, much like your dad or a nerdy uncle might if your dad or nerdy uncle were also super hot.
While TJ goes for his not-a-dog scan, Nattie unburdens herself to the Swiss Superman about how much she wants to go back to work and how she can’t share her professional FOMO with Teej. Later, though, when she tells TJ that she’s gotten travel information from WWE, he directs her to get back to work and let the cats care for him.
“If you’re healthy, you need to be on the road,” TJ tells her.
So hit the road she does. Nattie is required to show up for three sold-out Barclays shows over SummerSlam weekend, but she’s not on the card for any of them. She has, however, been asked to be in the house for the NXT PPV, presumably so the cameras can cut to her during critical moments in the Bayley-Sasha Banks match.
“I didn’t wrestle for 13 years to sit in the audience,” she complains to the Bellas.
To add insult to injury, when Nattie shows up to NXT TakeOver Brooklyn (after representing WWE at a cat food event), it turns out she’s been written out of the audience (the audience, FFS), which prompts an understandable crying jag. Things seem set to get worse when perennial Nattie antagonist Summer Rae picks at the scab, asking how it feels to be left out. At first it seems like she’s just getting back at Nattie for pointing out her weave tracks in the makeup room, but then she actually gets sincere, talking about how it won’t be long before there’s a Natalya storyline back on TV.
“You are women’s wrestling, so I just think it’s a matter of time,” Summer says. She immediately regrets the moment of sincerity when Nattie insists on thanking her by pinning her against a door and kissing her face.
Also that week, for some reason, Paige and Alicia Fox get in a fight (someone said something about Paige bringing friends to SummerSlam, and Fox wasn’t supposed to say anything, but she did, maybe? And that makes Foxy mad, I guess?), and during the Divas elimination match, Foxy feels like Paige brings the beef to the ring, refusing to cooperate with Foxy and taking an ineffective swipe at her that clearly signals to the crew backstage that she’s irritated.
“I can’t tell if it’s a personal thing or (she’s) just tired,” Fox says in a talking head. “Wake up. It’s SummerSlam. …She’s taking her personal issues into this match, and that’s not where we settle things.”
Backstage, Fox rips into Paige, accusing her of “playing possum,” but Paige refuses to engage. So Fox unfollows her on Twitter, because that’s what 13-year-old girls do when they argue (and also seems to be what the Foxy One meant when she talked about how and where “we settle things”). And then they talk it out later and everyone learns a valuable lesson about friendship and keeping secrets or something. It’s basically an episode of “Full House” but with a globally televised wrestling match in the middle and no tidy explanation for why Paige effectively shut down on Fox during one of the biggest pay-per-views of the year.
Back to wrestling’s favorite supercouple. As you may recall, last week Nikki Bella was left aghast when John Cena refused to fly into a jealous rage over Dolph Ziggler’s attempts to rekindle their long-gone romance. When we rejoin Cenella, they are celebrating their three-year anniversary by going out for dessert and talking about how much Nikki farts.
“I do love that you feel you can be yourself around me,” John says.
With that invitation, Nikki decides to bring up, yet again, the subject of marriage and kids. Except this time, the conversation takes an unexpected turn when John says:
“Would I love to marry you? Absolutely.”
Cut to Nikki’s jaw dropping in a talking head: “What. The. Hell.”
Sounds too good to be true? Of course it is. Because Cena then goes on to explain that he wouldn’t want marriage to lead to kids, and he doesn’t want to stand in the way of kids for Nikki. (Has it ever been adequately explained why John Cena doesn’t want to reproduce? Not that I can recall.)
Later, as the Bellas make Thanksgiving travel plans, Brie posits that she thinks John might be getting ready to propose, and the twins and Mama Bella talk about how “huge” it is that John is even using the M-word. Of course, now Nikki has to figure out if she could be OK not having children while her female family members dissect the latest development.
“I don’t like that he’s like ‘I’ll marry you but,'” Brie says. Mama Bella, on the other hand, thinks Cena is being fair in his honesty.
If only WWE were a workplace in which Nikki were constantly reminded about the existence of children… Oh wait! SummerSlam week brings with it a multitude of opportunities to be confronted with the reality of children and childlessness, including a literacy event at which the Bellas’ scheduled partner, The Miz, is conveniently replaced by who else? Dolph Ziggler. This, of course, gives Nikki an opportunity to see how great Dolph is with kids, and also to complain about how Brie got the “easy lines” in the picture book they’re reading.
“Nicole, this is a first-grade book,” Brie says. “Everyone has easy lines.”
And then they go with John Cena to grant his 500th Make-A-Wish Foundation wish (and maybe the answer to the John Cena no-kids mystery is that he’s met 500 Connor Michaleks and can’t bear to have kids because he’s met so many hundreds of sick kids with sad stories? Seems like a very real possibility), where John Cena is of course amazing with kids, and naturally Nikki just gets more sad about not having kids with John Cena.
Afterward, at another cute restaurant, Nikki, Brie and Nattie talk over the already-greatly-talked-over subject of John Cena and kids and Nikki’s future. Nikki figures she’d be happier being childless with John than she would be if she married the wrong guy, had a “devil child,” got divorced, got abandoned by the kid, and then ended up regretting leaving John (which is, of course, the most plausible alternative reality).
Nattie, on the other hand, is not willing to give up hope that the Doctor of Thuganomics will eventually be willing to open his practice to pediatrics.
“I think miracles do happen,” Nattie says.
Also, Eva Marie is back, unloading on her mom and hairdresser about how she has to “get everything out on the table” with co-workers who are dubious about her newly acquired wrestling skills. So that seems to be coming. Stay tuned.