LET’S GO! GO! LET’S GET THIS DONE BEFORE SANTA COMES!

The Show Doesn’t Start Until a McMahon Speaks

If there’s anything to take from this recap of last week, it is that Vince McMahon is still the most incompetent bad guy of all.

Last week felt different than usual. This week will be different simply by dint of being the Slammys episode. Will they find a way to make things as samey as possible in different clothing?

I am looking forward to shamelessly pilfering the nickname “Ziggy Azalea” from the sign that was shown during this segment.

Powerless Stephanie McMahon is something worth further consideration. More later.

Roman Reigns had the perfectly acceptable response to hearing that his friends, who are pro wrestlers, are being asked to pro wrestle tonight. Smile, laugh, and keep walking.

Slammy Award – Breakout Star

Our first award of the night being presented by Ziggy Azalea:

  • Kevin Owens
  • Neville
  • Charlotte
  • Tyler Breeze
  • Braun Strowman

The scary thing about this category is how quickly all of these people have become just
“another person” on RAW. The only one who has kept anything close to the initial air of being something different is Owens, and even that has been diminished after the quick, repeated losses to Cena, followed by his willingness to be so interested in less important belts. Seeing Neville as just another guy is as sad as it was expected.

I really want Owens to come out and attack every single Slammy winner. Even the Divas winner. I want him to have all the Slammys and then have them all melted down into a giant statue of himself.

I promise you, I typed that last sentence just before he came out.

Kevin Owens is likely annoyed because someone else took the cake. Kevin Owens really hates when someone pulls a Milton on him and he gets shorted on the last piece.

He’s right about Ziggler. Ziggy needs to go away for a while. Winner: Neville

Kane vs. Bray Wyatt

CRASH TV! Makes sense, Kane is a product of the late 90s, he might as well bring that style of TV to the ring with him.

Braun Strowman is taking his Slammy loss with the kind of quiet grace and dignity you’d expect from a man who understands that all existence is ephemeral and awards mean nothing when the sun will one day expand and swallow the earth and all things including the spot of your first kiss and the place where you buried the bones of your childhood pet.

CRASH TV! ECW IS HERE!

KanECW/Wyatts

JBL rattling off Ted Arcidi and Jeep Swenson. The answer Michael Cole wanted was Chewbacca. This show would be a more enjoyable experience with literally any three other people in the booth.

I’d bitch more but for whatever reason Tommy Dreamer is getting chanted for. And the Dudleyz do a drop based on the “WHAZZUP” joke. If you watch this show while driving 88MPH you end up in 1999 and you spell everything with two unnecessary zs inserted in the word.

Way to tip your hat to the AWA there JBL, referencing the champ who walked out on the promotion. Saving the Jake Milliman reference for later? Winners: Wyatts

Slammy Award – LOL Award

The moment when Santino emerged and hit the Cobra on Alberto Del Rio in the Royal Rumble is one of my favorite things ever.

Every single nominee in this category should be the New Day

  • New Day meet Edge/Christian
  • Bushwhackers induction into HOF
  • Miz had penile issues
  • HHH/Steph and New Day Dance
  • R-Truth forgets he’s not in MitB match

Three of these are not things that should be nominated.

Screw all of you. I laughed at the end of that segment. Winner: R-Truth

Wow, Mick Foley sure did forgive everything about WWE mighty quick. Surprised that Frank didn’t appear as a Christmas Clown.

Slammy Award – OMG Moment

I don’t see any reason why Brock shouldn’t have had a crack at the LOL Award. Brock laughing in the Undertaker match was very much a LOLlercoaster ride.

  • Seth Rollins cashing in Money in the Bank
  • Brock Lesnar murdering everyone
  • Kalisto hitting Salida del Sol off a ladder
  • Undertaker kidnapped by Wyatts
  • Sheamus cashing in Money in the Bank

I remember someone saying a long while back, when WWE actually did long-term stories, how things that happened 12-18 months ago were still impacting WWE at that point in time. Here, these moments that were shocking and meant to be so memorable, how many of them still resonate at all? Does the Undertaker being abducted mean anything? Are the Lucha Dragons any more over than they were last month? Did Brock’s rampage mean anything except that he got a few months off?

And as if to prove my point Kalisto wins to pure silence. That said I give him credit for being a snappy dresser tonight. Seemed like the sport coat could have been a bit better fitting though. Winner: Kalisto

Kevin Owens vs. Ziggy Azalea

Get used to it. This is happening. ZIGGY!

That back elbow by Owens sounded nasty yet somehow KO is the one who has a busted mouth.

I know that WWE runs their show as if every viewer is watching for the first time ever. However the replays from earlier in the evening suggest they’ve now recalibrated this approach to assume that every person watching has just tuned in three minutes ago for the first time ever.

I feel like there is some parallel in the way that Kevin Owens is presented with the way that CM Punk was presented regarding in-ring perseverance. Both guys are nearly unkillable especially with just one finisher. They’re not superhuman in the John Cena way, where you murder them repeatedly and then they decide “okay, time to win now” and AA you from the moon through the ring and into the molten core of the earth. They’re just really hard to beat. Winner: Kevin Owens

Slammy Award – Superstar of the Year

I hope my Viktor for Superstar of the Year campaign had more traction than it might have seemed on Twitter.

  • Everyone

So they’re going to reveal that this is fake, right?

Good to see Seth though. I missed that cackle. I developed some significant Stockholm Syndrome with Seth this summer.

Do you know how epic it will be if the Reigns/Ambrose partnership continues through summer, and when they’re getting beaten down worse than they’ve ever been, and they’re at their bleakest moment, and Seth reappears to help them? And how shitty it will be when it’s a swerve? Winner: Seth Rollins

John Cena returns next week. Santa is letting me know that I’m getting a fuck you for Christmas. If you’ve missed John Cena please tweet me at @spiffie6123 and tell me why.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger

Oh like anyone gives a shit about this match. I don’t care. You don’t care. The people in Minneapolis don’t care. The people watching don’t care. Alberto doesn’t care so much harder than any of us. Jack Swagger cares a lot but no one cares that he cares.

The highlight of this match is JBL mentioning Greg Gagne. The second best is Rusev’s warmup jacket. The third best is the match ending. Winner: LOLCENAWINS…oh wait, I’m a week ahead of myself. Alberto Del Rio

Slammy Award – Hero in All of Us

Mark Henry’s bow tie and pocket square do not seem to match.

  • Natalya
  • Roman Reigns
  • Big Show
  • Titus O’Neil
  • John Cena

Let us celebrate another year of WWE storylines being stonewalled because John Cena has crossed the Bret Hart threshold of self-delusion. The belief that children will have their lives ruined if John Cena is not an all-conquering hero.

Titus was goddamned robbed. I hope this leads to a Titus vs. Cena feud where Titus just hot tags himself in repeatedly to destroy Cena. Winner: Even in charity LOLCENAWINS

Slammy Award – Surprise Return of the Year

I boleive in Santa. But I’ve drank a lot over the years.

  • Dudley Boyz
  • Chris Jericho
  • Alberto Del Rio
  • Kane
  • Sting

I honestly forgot Jericho even returned this year.

Remember when John Cena beat a whole bunch of young guys and everyone said that when Cena finally did lose to a young guy it would be a huge deal and then he lost first to the WWE Champion and then to the desiccated husk of Alberto Del Rio? Good times were had.

I went back and rewatched the Sting vs. Rollins match, and damn if that wasn’t a hell of a way for Sting to go out. Sucks that is was due to injury but that’s a contender for possibly best final match by anyone. Winner: Sting

New Day vs. Usos

The lack of a New Day entrance is an abomination.

Kofi Kingston saving us from Star Wars spoilers is almost as amazing as Big E’s face while waiting to chastise the audience. The willingness to pass on a chance to ruin the movie for all these sour haters just to keep your pops safe from hearing anything is the kind of thing true friendship is made of.

Big E’s hips are beginning to get to absurd levels. Rick Rude’s ghost is on the verge of telling him to ease up.

Jimmy Uso was so worn out he could barely slap his leg when he kicked Kofi off the apron. Winners: Usos

Slammy Award – Diva of the Year

The Steve Harvey homage must be about to happen.

  • Nikki Bella
  • Naomi
  • Paige
  • Sasha Banks
  • Charlotte

The humor. It is powerful.

Nikki telling Paige “stay” like a dog that’s misbehaving. The Divas Revolution everyone!

And then her and Paige hug and I guess Nikki is a face and Paige is a face but they’re all awful people at the same time.

I hate everything. Winner: Nikki Bella

Rusev vs. Neville

The entire match has been the announcers talking about the Miz. I give the match the same level of attention as those who are paid to talk about it.

Miz is the only person actually giving this match any analysis. I once more reiterate that one day he’s going to end up being the best color commentary guy in years and years.

I think Nevile probably should have just climbed down the ropes. That was a poor plan on his part.

Miz goes off to present, because he’s a damn boss.

We’d all watch a buddy comedy with Miz and Big Show as mismatched police partners, right? Winner: Rusev

Slammy Award – This Is Awesome Moments

  • Brock Lesnar Murdering a Defenseless Car
  • Orton RKOing Rollins at Wrestlemania
  • Stephanie McMahon introduces Banks/Knox/Charlotte
  • Shield mini-reunion
  • Rock and Rousey Connection

I have not yet seen either Santa’s Little Helper or The Force Awakens. There’s one of these I want to see very soon. Hint: it involves Miz. Winner: Rock and Rousey

Becky Lynch vs. Brie Bella

So where are the alignments tonight? Becky’s still friends with the woman who keeps making an ass of her. Brie Bella is apparently a face like her sister who has of course quickly abandoned her.

Cole just mentioned the love Brie has for Nikki. Thankfully they got over the part where Nikki humiliated Brie while making her a servant and wishing she had never been born.

I like Becky’s new ring gear. Because I have to think of something positive to say before I just chuck the laptop at the TV and get to bed early.

The crowd just kind of cheered for things and then stopped cheering for things and this whole division is like when I would mix together all my watercolors as a kid and end up with a color of grey that just looked like sadness. Winner: Becky Lynch

Slammy Award – Match of the Year

Ric Flair’s “Woooo” is over. Not sure Ric is anymore.

  • Brock Lesnar vs. Seth Rollins vs. John Cena at Royal Rumble
  • Sting vs. HHH at WrestleMania
  • Kevin Owens vs. John Cena at Elimination Chamber
  • Roman Reigns vs. Ziggy Azalea vs. Kevin Owens vs. Alberto Del Rio
  • Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar – Hell in a Cell

Good to see HHH was able to get that two star masterpiece of him receiving autofellatio nominated as a match of the year.

For all the shit I give him, and it is all deserved, this could have been all Cena matches. Cena vs. Neville. Cena vs. Zayn. Cena vs. Cesaro. Problem is that was a perfect storm of circumstances that is unlikely to be repeated.

This award show has been a parade of people accepting awards on behalf of people the crowd would have preferred to see. Winner: Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Sheamus vs. Dean Ambrose

The League of Nations is a nice upper midcard faction. They could be great, except that at all times they can never be anything more than the second biggest heel group as long as the McMahons/HHH are alive and breathing.

Dean took a ridiculous bump being thrown into the cage.

WWE had 1.34 million Slammy votes. At this rate by 2018 they will have more Slammy votes than people watching RAW.

Main event of RAW in a steel cage getting a “this is boring” chant. The crowd is not wrong. Other than Dean trying to kill himself this match is boring.

Jesus, White Noise from the top rope in this match at this point?

Dean Ambrose is making me feel deeply guilty for not loving this match. He is dying for the sins of bad booking. My ACL tore when he landed after jumping from the top rope.

The way the camera caught Reigns flying like a missile was pretty damn awesome.

At some point someone has to be able to give Stephanie McMahon a physical retribution. It can’t really be Ambrose or Reigns. In my dreams somehow it ends up as Sasha Banks. Winner: Dean Ambrose

Final Thoughts: One of the biggest issues I’ve had with WWE has been their inability to make their characters human beings. Over the last few weeks they have actually taken one of their main characters and written with nuance, and the acting has been excellent, as this person shows a range of emotions. Of course, being WWE, there must always be a caveat with this. In this case the caveat is that it is the one character who likely will never have to suffer physical consequences or lose a match because of her failings. Because she’s Stephanie McMahon. More on this tomorrow…