Greetings pals and gals, I am your intrepid substitute teacher for the evening, Jeff Hawkins. Mr. Flynn is currently in a hot tub watching Joshi matches, reaping the rewards of a much needed vacation. The question here is: What? No video? Maybe a crossover with Hot Tub PWG guy? Rob McCarron would have gone that extra mile, Flynn…all I’m saying.
Some of you may know me as the co-host of Shake Them Ropes here on Voices of Wrestling. Some of you may know me as @Crapgame13 on Twitter. Some of you may even like me. Expect the same arcane references, bad jokes and occasional insight. Only occasional. Curmudgeonly snark is a free topping.
Stories of interest: injuries to John Cena and Lana over the weekend. Ohio State and Virginia Tech is on in the states, so Vince may have a trick or two or it might just be treading water until next week when he goes head to head with the opener of Monday Night Football, where he may have a trick or two.
From Baltimore, Maryland, also known as “Charm City,” home of Frank Pembleton, the greatest television policeman ever.
Seth Rollins is out to wax poetic. Raw makes it seem like Sting is the first match before the Cena match. Seth is “special” ..if this were 2005 I could make a joke that is now deemed offensive. He cashed in at WrestleMania, no one thought he could beat Lesnar, no one said he could knock out Cena. We don’t understand how great it is, he has a statue. Sting took it. He has a chance to validate his career and cement his legacy. Rollins can crush it.
Boring chants and Rollins references Flair. He has to also defend the US title. It used to be a problem, but now he realized he’s Seth Freaking Rollins. Self-awareness. He can beat “two first ballot Hall of Famers” (not true in Sting/WON’s case) in one night. He’s going to own Sting, Cena, the ring, his legacy, his generation. AND! He’s going to get his statue back. Hmmm. Not how I’d end that progression…..oh, it was taken from all of us. Now I care.
A “CAW” and Sting is on screen, and goes from serious to happy. Sting has the statue. This is Joker Sting talking. Rollins is the man…without a statue. Sting says to come and get it as he dusts it off. Chekov’s statue. Rollins is not afraid and then….
Sheamus is here…to twist the knife. Ask if Rollins is worried? Rollins replies in the negative, but shows concern over his statue. Sheamus asks Rollins how stupid he sounds (true). Rollins asks if Sheamus knows how stupid he looks (true). Sheamus disagrees. Seth tell Sheamus he looks “like Ronald McDonald with a bad haircut”
Sheamus objects “Hey! Don’t you bring my family into this”
Where is Xavier with the sad trombone?
Sheamus threatens to cash in after both matches. I’m still reeling that the McDonald’s joke made air. Wasn’t bad until then, just nothing spectacular.
Paige and Sasha Banks next. YES!!! Paige apologists are on alert here, they keep saying she can hang with the NXT 3+Bayley. Time to see it.
If there’s blood, I assume the match will be stopped by the Maryland State Athletic Commission.
Steph is on her phone. Rollins is exasperated and asks for HHH. Stephanie has a plan. Rollins again asks for HHH. He’s behind Rollins.
- HHH: “Don’t think Steph can handle this?”
- Me: “Like the Revolution?”
HHH comforts Rollins. Sheamus is going to fight Orton. Fantastic. Stop worrying about the statue, you have to prepare. You’re fighting twice. Champion vs. Champion: Seth vs. Ryback and Champion vs. Challengers: Seth will team with New Day against the Prime Time Players and John Cena.
Steph’s plan was to look for Sting. Seth is trying to get his gumption up and leaves.
PCB is out. Paige is nearing translucency. Pinky swear.
2015 Wrestler of the Year Sasha Banks and Team BAD. Fists.
Sasha flees under the ropes like Larry Zbyszko and they’re hair pulling…I assume this is what was meant when they say “wrestle like a diva” and the irony does not escape me. Sasha getting elbows in the corner, reverses and gets Paige on the center rope and stomps her down. 2 count as we go to break.
Sasha in control as we come back, since we can’t stay because we can’t have nice things. Thesz press by Paige. Sasha with a reversal into the corner, boot to the face and this is her house. Knee in the corner.
Paige on the ropes and Tamina takes a cheap shot — dad would be proud (Editor’s Note: Too soon?). Hair pull, two count. Sasha strokes the hair and eggs her on. Paige with lousy forearms, and a shot from Banks. Paige on the top rope and gets yanked off. Two count. Paige counters Sasha into the ropes. Knees, super kick, knee. Two count. Body slam attempt broken, Banks runs into the ropes, another body slam into failed Ram-Paige. Banks slinks out of the ring. Paige takes out Tamina with a somersault. Back in and Paige delivers a pretty wheelbarrow suplex. Paige goes for a PTO, Naomi comes in allowing Sasha to pull hair and get a package. Sasha wins, but it looks like both women’s shoulders are down.
Interference finishes are not going to help the Revolution. This match was clunky. Shame.
Sasha celebrates. Paige is sad but has friends, who tell her she’s a winner, but she isn’t.
The Ascension is here! Roman and Ambrose are coming down together a la the Shield. It’s about time, good move. I’ve been calling for this for a while.
We get a recap of the Wyatt’s promo on Smackdown
Who is going to team with them?
Ambrose gets a fast start against Conor. Ambrose kick and Roman clothesline who gets a couple punches before a Conor clothesline. Viktor is in for a double team. Viktor short arm clothesline reversed into Samoan Drop. Conor distracts and Viktor knocks him outside. Roman hits Conor then hits Viktor. Ambrose dives into Conor. Roman drive by on Biktor. Slam followed by 10 clotheslines in the corner for Viktor. Superman Punch. Tag to Ambrose. Ambrose up top for their Doomsday Device. Reigns spears Connor before Conor gets to Ambrose. Dirty Deeds. Pin.
WYATTS. Strowman. It’s okay to be afraid and he’s the destruction. Wyatt says it’s a warning. The apocalypse is waiting for us at Night of Champions. (But I want my…Apocalypse Now). Run (from that joke).
Renee is here with Ryback. DA BIG GUY! He shouts. Ryback tells us the IC belt has fighting champions. Rollins is a weasel. Ryback is staring somewhere and it’s disconcerting to watch this promo, just do it into camera. Rollins is the architect. But Ryback has plans. Meathook clothesline, belly to back….FEED ME….someone’s here!
Kevin Owens is EATING! You see, because he’s fat. But he’s trying, it’s an apple. He says Ryback looks hungry and not to bite off more than he can chew. I was waiting for him to spit in the face of someone who wasn’t cool.
TMZ type recap of Dolph-Hesher Lana-Hot and Always Submissive Summer. Who is telling the truth. Can the relationship survive? Do they have an ending in mind?
Hot and Always Submissive Summer is here later to apologize to Cold and Usually Dominant Rusev.
FEED. ME. MORE.
Commercial. Total Divas. All. Red. Everything. Eva Marie is attractive. Also, Dwayne. But really….Eva Marie is attractive.
Edge and Christian are on with Stone Cold after Raw.
Rollins gets a jobber entrance. Just absolutely everything wrong they’re doing, even when it’s unintentional. Ryback gives the IC belt to a child in the audience for safe keeping during his match. Trusting soul, isn’t he. Rollins is out to lecture the commentary. Fists up into a lockup. Rollins down, rolls out stalls. Back in, headlock, shoulder block by Ryback, Rollins out. Larry Zbyszko tribute show tonight. Arm twists. Pin attempt for one.
Ryback takes Rollins head in the corner. Shoulders into the gut. Arm bar and Rollins is in pain ropebreak. Fist by Rollins. Fists to the back. Chop by Rollins. Thesz press by Ryback, Suplex reverse by Rollins runs into a big chop. Knee. Armbar. Fists to Rollins’ arm. Whipped into the corner and a knee on the ground by Ryback. Chopping the crap out of Rollins. Rollins decides to leave, caught. Stalling suplex by Ryback on Rollins. 2 count.
Eye rake by Seth, boots to the head and slapping the bald head to taunt. Ryback press slam and down. Seth rolls out. Ryback follows. Chase, Rollins in ring, kicks Ryback back out. Plancha caught in body slam, but reverses it to knock Ryback into the post. Then a throw in the stairs.
Rollins had a sleeper, backed into corner. Ryback misses a running shoulder. Rollins neckbreaker. Cover for two. Headlock. Punch to gut. Punch to face. Little Naitch not calling it illegal. Head over the top rope to stun Ryback. Springboard knee by Rollins to stun him. Rollins charges with a forearm to Ryback in the corner. Talks smack. Then a second one. goes to the ropes, back body drop by Ryback. Missed clothesline by Rollins, Shoulder block. Failed Pedigree by Rollins after a kick, failed power bomb by Rollins. Kick to gut. Ryback gets a kick. Ryback gets a powerbomb but only a two. Ryback on top. Gets caught. Headbutts Rollins off. Missed frog splash, stop that Ryback. Rollins covers for two.
Baseball slide to Ryback to get him outside. Ryback gets a knee as he tries to get back in, count starts again. Ryback back up and gets a suicide dive from Rollins. Count starts again. Ryback up. ANOTHER suicide dive. Count starts again. Rollins telling Ryback to stand down. He won’t, though I’d like to see someone for once say “okay.” Ryback gets a spinebuster. Meathook time. Shellshock escape. Seth holds onto the ropes, Ryback grabs the legs and throws him up, Rollins lands on his feet and hits an enzuigiri.
CAW! Sting and the Rollins statue are waiting. Rollins goes to finish, rolled up by Ryback.Three count. Rollins is having a fit. So am I. It’s WWE 101 but even weasel champs need credibility.
CAW! Sting playing peek a book in front of the statue going in and out of camera. Holds up a mask. HE PUT A MASK ON THE STATUE MAGGLE!!! Seth is throwing an unchampion-like tantrum. It’s a mask on a statue. The humanity. The geekery.
Rollins is backstage yelling for Sting and his statue. OH…..SETH ROLLINS…DON’T YOU DARE BE SOUR!!!! The New Day and Xavier’s Trombone are here for POSITIVITY!!!!
Xavier has a trombone with a F key (I’m a trombone player) and can play. New…DAYROCKS! Seth is mad. No one’s ever had a statue. New Day is pointing. Edge and Christian are here with….continuity? Remember when your goons stood on my neck? Edge asks for a fight and Seth backs down again.
Xavier has been waiting for this. BATTLE!!!!! And does thirds on the trombone, which is generally a warmup. Christian has a kazoo. He has a song that reeks of awesomeness. NEW…DAYSUCKS…
Interrupted. Big E breaks the kazoo…..and it’s the DUH-DLEYS. Bubba’s bigger than Big E. Next week Prime Time Players have a rematch. The New Day has no idea why the Dudleys are telling them this. Oh, Dudley’s get winners. But, the New Day can’t leave, the Dudleys have a song.
Big E: “They ain’t got no pipes.” I laughed
Get…The Tables. Angry New Day because the Dudleys indeed have no pipes.
Hot and Always Submissive Summer is here. Hot fun in the Summer Time. Sly Stone would be proud.
Hot and Always Submissive Summer is upset. It’s been the worst week of her life. The true victim of this situation needs an apology. So Cold and Usually Dominant Rusev, come talk to Hot and Always Submissive Summer.
Rusev lights up her life, he gives her hope to carry on.
Summer has photos in a magazine. She was overcome by glistening…and boring chants. She let Dolph kiss her. She’s sorry. She betrayed him and will never forgive herself. It meant nothing. Rusev, a caring gentle teddy bear.
Rusev “You betrayed me….but I forgive your apology” I forgive his English. She’s sweet submissive Summer, and like a typical clueless guy, reminds her of a physical flaw of smudged lipstick. He’ll be hearing about that on the car ride home. Calls Dolph blonde and hairless.
Lana was also fed American lies by “skinny American.” The broken wrist is a lie….she has a broken heart! Rusev is awesome. He’d never cheat on Lana.
Dolph is out to not be wacky. But gets a “that’s what she said last night” joke in.
Rusev asks why Dolph isn’t getting her flowers. Dolph says Lana has a message for the overgrown ape with a bikini wax….well, Lana would know. Superkick. Here to show the world….but not the bikini wax.
Rusev is awesome.
Roman, Ambrose are talking to Rannnnn-dy as he tapes up for Sheamus.
Randy hears voices in his head. They say this is episode 1,163. In real math, not WWE math.
There’s a Create a Superstar? Most six-year-olds already have more ideas than Creative does for a repackaged Johnny Curtis.
Sheamus is carrying the case.
Lockup, stepover toehold by Sheamus, arm wrench, reversal into headlock by Orton. Rope break. Orton messes up the mohawk and Sheamus rolls out to yell. Dueling shoulder blocks. Sheamus is out to stall. So much stalling.
Slap by Sheamus, uppercuts by Orton, Sheamus out to stall, goes to take the mic and berate the crowd. Orton interrupts. Sheamus get slammed spine first off the barricade. Back in ring, more European uppercuts by RKO. 10 fists turned into reverse atomic drop, but Orton only sells for a wacky second. Dropkicks Sheamus outside. Irish curse outside, Sheamus in command, so…..
Headlock by Sheamus. Time to wake up and start again. Orton up and fighting back. Sheamus hits rolling senton to stop the rally. Who looks stupid now? Probably me. Sheamus stalling again, says we should respect the Hawk. Euro uppercuts by Sheamus, given back by Orton. In bulk. Clotheslines by Randy, miss by Sheamus, powerslam. Sheamus gives him a boot off the top but t-bone by Randy for a two count. Sheamus on apron and it’s DDT time, stopped, gets two Beats of Bodhran before counting of the crowd distracts him. Knocks orton down, shoulder tackle from top for two. High running knee by Orton. Two count. Crowd wants an RKO. Sheamus gets a power slam, goes for cloverleaf and gets it.
Orton makes the ropes, fighting on apron and ring. Orton superplex on Sheamus. Two count. Sheamus out on apron again. DDT time. Orton playing to the crowd and hits it. Hmmm. RKO? No…White Noise. Two. Sheamus insists it’s three. It was not. Crowd again telling him he looks stupid. Brogue kick misses, RKO miss, Sheamus roll up, two, RKOuttanowhere. Orton wins.
Orton seems pissy post-match over something he’s mumbling about
The Wyatt Family surrounds Orton. Beat down. Michael Cole literally wonders why this attack is happening. As if he doesn’t watch the show. Strowman head and arm choke. Decimated, Vince’s favorite word.
Then…Strowman does the worst slam I’ve ever seen. Starts as a backbreaker but flips him over.
JBL explains Orton was attacked because Ambrose and Reigns need a partner and the Wyatts saw Orton talking to Ambrose and Reigns. Are we that dumb we needed to wait through a commercial to hear that.
Next Week: Memphis, home of Lawler. New Day/PTP. Season Premiere. Ha.
The Matadores are doing the honors tonight. I hope they put the Bull through a table.
Diego and Buh-Buh. Headlock into belly to back for Diego. Ariel moves on Bubba. JBL echoes my sentiments on the Bull. Mistime by Matadores, and the bull and one of them are fighting. He hits the bull. Turns around for a 3D. Diego and the Bull are having a conference and the other Matador kicks the Bull out. Well the Dudleys aren’t going to stand for that. Oh fuck me, they’re making the Bull a Dudley aren’t they? Diego is going up for a Bubbabomb through a table. Dudley’s celebrate. Bubba goes outside and mean mugs JBL before they smile and high five. Weird. I still think the Bull is a Dudley.
Dolph/Rusev at NOC.
Cesaro is here, and he’s “Fun to watch.” Death knell. Miz and he did a pre-show angle. Miz kind of awesome saying he’s a starmaker and can make Cesaro Section into “Cesaro Nation.” I’m down.
Miz….came to play. I hope his outfit gets progressively more ridiculous.
Miz begs off and stalls and wants quiet for the removal of his sunglasses. Is there a memo on stalling for heels? Cesaro mocks Miz and throws him with a gut wrench. Cesaro catches Miz for a backbreaker. Cesaro puts on the Cowboy hat when Miz goes outside for a Western European Uppercut. “Who says he doesn’t have charisma?” Fuck off Cole/Vince. Back in the ring, Miz with a shot to the gut and chokes Cesaro on the ropes. Kick to the face on a sitting Cesaro. Two count. Cesaro on top taken down by Miz. Cesaro on the apron kicked to outside. Miz is…going to work? Throwing him into barricades…and here comes Big Show to chase Miz. Show stares down Miz to the point that it’s a double countout.
Dumb. They made Miz look like he could bully Cesaro and a wonky finish. Big Show knocks out the innocent bystander Cesaro. “Fun to watch.” Then they replayed it to make sure you remember.
BELLA-Tron. We’re going to get to hear Nikki “talk” next. I’m so excited. I’m so excited. I’m so….scared
NXT commercial. Lucha Dragons/Balor and Joe. Dusty Classic. Hyped
You can look but you can’t touch. Hips shaking. Jeff watching.
AJ Lee name drop, just to make sure you remember what this is about. Alicia clears her throat and introduces the reigning…Brie continues.
Nikki asks if we can feel the excitement. Longest reigning of all time. Let’s take a look at the Bella Tron. In one week we won’t be able to deny that Team Bella is the Divas Revolution.
It’s a Bella-Bration next week. Did Becky Lynch write this?
We’re getting an insane celebration! A Pajama Jammie Jam? Bottles popping, music blasting and…..CHARLOTTE w/PCB
Charlotte smirking. Composing herself. Speaks. Charlotte needs an acting coach to tell her to compose herself backstage, the corpsing stuff is excusable on the NXT show. Charlotte loves a party but they weren’t invited. She went to the Authority and got her title match and she’s going to spoil the party. Wooo….beat down.
Spear to the champ. Figure Eight. No way Charlotte’s winning the belt next week.
MAIN EVENT TIME. After the break
John Cena (Sucks) is here. You gotta be loud on Labor Day! The PTP come out…
Then…AWWWWWW BALTIMORE…DON’T YOU DARE BE SOUR! Xavier has the trombone with the f-key.
Seth Rollins is limping and pissy.
There is a lot of jawing pre-match. This needs to happen more. Cena is amused. Xavier is playing. Cena/Rollins start. No Big E. Kofi and Xavier celebrate intelligence. Cole threatening the mouthpiece and neither I nor JBL are amused. Shoulder block and much rejoicing by the New Day. It shouldn’t crack me up, but it does. Xavier yelling about tricep meat. Another successful Big E shoulder block, another celebration.
JBL mentions ESPN Gameday.
Cena shoulder block then caught by a slam by Big E. Tag to Rollins. Rotating kicks in the corner to trombone. Big E irish whips Kofi kick Cena in a corner to the slide of the trombone. AWESOME. Trombone > Mini bull
High cross body by Kofi on Cena for two to bring us back. Xavier tells Cena to learn to let go. SOS by Kofi. Two. Tag to Big E, sent over the top by Cena. Tag to Rollins. Top rope knee from the corner. 1 broken by Darren Young. Jaw jacking. I’m admiring Xavier’s chops for a part time horn player. Big E dancing in the ring and torturing Cena. Side slam for two. Stalling suplex with dips as Big E sticks out his tongue. Two count. Big E misses a splash and Cena crawls for a second before springing up. Hot tag to Titus. Big boot to Big E. Omega, Sends Rollins out to apron, greeted by a slam by Darren onto the apron. Ouch. Nice segment where Xavier interrups. Darren with a Gutcheck off the apron, Kofi kicks Darren with a knee, Titus hits Kofi off apron. Big E hits Titus with a belly to belly. Big E tags Rollins as Titus tags Cena. AA…no…pedigree no…STF… Rollins tags Kofi, cross body into roll of strength by Cena into an AA. 1,2,3. Interesting booking.
PTP get Cena to do Millions of Dollars.
Cole is selling Rollins as angry but he didn’t lose. Just an oddly booked finish. Rollins back in the ring, yelling at Cena on the outside.
CAW!!! Sting and the statue. Sting is mocking Seth Freaking Rollins. You never came to get the statue, he’s asks for lights, he has a garbage truck. I think the statue or the Divas Revolution is going in….it’s the statue. Compactor destroys the statue….which means HHH got it on the cheap. Sting rides off with the truck. Rollins is pissy. Chekov smiles.
Rollins grabs his belts and stands on the announce table, then in the ring. Time for the Stone Cold podcast.
Final Thoughts: A holding pattern show with faces getting one over on the heels. Next week I assume the heels will get the upper hand. Torito is going to be a Dudley. Charlotte is getting her title shot. Someone is going to have to explain why that statue was hollow.