Bulk WWE Superstars reviews for your reading pleasure! All episodes can be viewed on the WWE Network.
WWE Superstars – Episode 327
Adam Rose vs Jack Swagger: Nothing exemplifies the Island of the Misfit Toys nature of Superstars more than this matchup, featuring one guy who changes gimmicks on a weekly basis, and another guy who the company cares so little about that his Titan Tron entrance still heavily features his former manager that was written out of storylines ages ago.
Rose came off extremely likable in the ESPN NXT piece, so predictably the company did nothing to capitalize. Swagger does nothing but work extremely hard in these five minute TV bouts, but the company very simply doesn’t trust him anymore after multiple incidents both public (the marijuana bust) and behind the scenes (said to be a massive flake with maturity issues). Swagger carried this short bout and won it with the ankle lock. Its become shit that everybody says, but the second Swagger finally gets the pink slip, he’ll be somewhere in Japan hossing it up and getting rave reviews. Book it. **1/2
Zack Ryder is very excited about teaming with the Lucha Dragons, and the confused Dragons mumble some very clear English under their breath, which should come as no shock to hardcore fans, since both men are American. Of course, casual fans would never know this, since the team has received exactly zero promo time other than this incoherent mumbling on the D-show that nobody watches.
I’m so far behind on these shows that this was the week the Diva’s Revolution began. “Things need to change!”, Stephanie exclaims. Heh.
The Ascension & Bo Dallas vs Lucha Dragons & Zack Ryder: For new readers, if you’re looking for a quality Ascension burial, you can find one right here. That’s some of my finest work, and my closing statement still applies, as this team was never more entertaining as when they were doing the short lived delusional poser routine, and realistically it was their only shot at being pushed.
I hate Bo Dallas with a passion, but as I take a peek at what’s to come, he appears on roughly a million of these Superstars episodes in a row, so I’ll bury him later.
Zack Ryder will be looked back on one day as a guy who was way better than he ever got credit for in real time. He’s a quality JTTS who sells his ass off, has some charisma, and is always way more over than the level of his push. This was a pretty hot trios match, featuring a cool double tope/arm drag spot by the Dragons on the Ascension, and a cool flip dive by Ryder to take out Dallas. Sin Cara hit the swanton on Viktor to pick up the win. Fun stuff, and in the interest of fairness, The Ascension more than held their own here. **3/4
WWE Superstars – Episode 328
R-Truth vs Heath Slater: R-Truth is perfectly fine in a non pushed role, and I’m sure he’s a nice fella and all, but he’s out here in 2015 doing mic work centered around the 1993 song “Whoop, There It Is!” (featuring a hard times Barack Obama at 1:00) and it’s just weird. Did you know he calls his finisher the Lie Detector? Neither did I. *
Bo Dallas vs Neville: Wrestlers named “Bo” I’d rather be watching than Bo Dallas. Bo Dupp, Bo Nanas, Akebono, Bobo Brazil, Bobo Brazil Jr, Bolo Mongol, Bodacious Bart, Ebola, Sojoururnor Bolt, Bolt Brady, and Little Bobo. *1/2
WWE Superstars – Episode 329
Bo Dallas vs R-Truth: Wrestlers named “Dallas” i’d rather be watching than Bo Dallas. Diamond Dallas Page, Dallas (Lance Hoyt), Larry Dallas, The Dollhouse (except Marti Belle, she stinks). *
Jack Swagger vs Stu Bennett: The battle of who is being wasted more, which means the loser is the winner (Swagger, who ate a Bull Hammer). They aired a SummerSlam commercial during this match that featured Ultimate Warrior’s famous win over Honky Tonk Man at Summer Slam ’88, a match that everybody who was around during that time period remembers, and I couldn’t help but think to myself how it’s nearly impossible to create memorable moments like that one in modern WWE. I don’t think I could tell you anything about the last twenty or fifty Intercontinental title changes, but I can still instantly recall a cocky HTM getting squashed before he could even remove his jumpsuit at Summer Slam, or Randy Savage beating Tito Santana in Boston Garden, or Rick Rude taking the title from Warrior at WrestleMania V thanks to Bobby Heenan desperately clinging to Warrior’s leg from outside the ring.
What are the iconic moments of today? Brock beating Taker? Money in the Bank cash-ins (Edge, Dolph, Punk, & Rollins come to mind)? I am on record many times stating the the wrestling in WWE has never been better, and I stand behind that. But what modern WWE lacks in all of it’s over exposed, over produced glory, is memorable moments. John Cena has won a million titles. Name one of those title victories that was an iconic moment burned into the brains of wrestling fans on the level of Warrior blitzing Honky in ’88? **3/4
WWE Superstars – Episode 330
Roddy Piper tribute video. Is the Roddy Piper “Hot Rod!” t-shirt the most famous wrestling t-shirt ever, aside from possibly the Hulkamania shirt or the Austin 3:16?
Fandango vs Heath Slater: If you want to see a wrestler come off like a total and complete geek in obvious need for a gimmick change, check out Fandango here desperately trying to get fans to Fandango along with him with an embarrassed smile on his face while lame piped in cheers screech from your television speakers. I still believe in the guy, but this gimmick is beyond dead. This was a nifty little match, aside from a leg lariat spot where Slater missed Fandango’s head by about three fit. Fandango picked up the win, so we got a second dose of cringy canned heat as ‘Dango tried to milk more finger pointing out of fans like this was 2013. Yuck. **1/2
Jack Swagger vs Bo Dallas: Wrestlers named “Rotunda” that I’d rather be watching than Bo Dallas. None. Look, I hate Bo, but if my options are Mike “Chinlock” Rotunda, Bray Wyatt, or Bo Dallas, then let me tell you, I have no problem becoming a Bo-liever.
In a perfect world, Swagger would squash this dork, slap him in the face like Koko Ware disrespecting The Patriot, and then challenge Masakatsu Funaki to show his face in WWE so they could have a man fight. Instead, what we got here were endless Dallas reverse chinlocks, just like his dull as dirt old man, and a match that Swagger had to save with his deadlifts and lariatos and Swagger bombs. Justice was served when Swagger reversed Bo’s bulldog gimmick into the Patriot Lock for the win. Let me make something very clear. Bo Dallas sucks. **1/2
WWE Superstars – Episode 331
Fandango & Jack Swagger vs The Ascension: Yup, Fandango & Jack Swagger. You have to think that these guys looked at the booking sheet or the big chalkboard or whatever WWE uses to communicate the matches and thought to themselves “this is the end, we’re getting endeavored tomorrow.” Nothing screams WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU more than the random tag team pairing on the D-show. Except for losing to the Ascension. Oof. This time next year Swagger will be the #BigJake of the G1, and Fandango will have long since joined the force. **
Bo Dallas vs R-Truth, The Highly Anticipated Rematch From Superstars 329 – Seriously, I own this website, so why am I doing this? Surely I can force Rob Barry or Ru Gunn or Taylor Mitchell to watch this dreck, and I can just moonwalk in afterwards to add snarky comments, right? This was one long chinlock. I swear. Watch it if you don’t believe me. No Stars
WWE Superstars – Episode 332
Adam Rose vs ???: Rose said he’s now the party pooper, and that he’s about to poop on everyone. That’s pretty much setting me up on a tee, but I won’t bite the low hanging fruit. He issued an open challenge, and Curtis Axel, sans RacistMania gimmick, accepted the challenge.
This was kind of sad, because this was Axel’s big return to the company as Curtis Axel after disappearing for a few weeks in the wake of The Hulkster N-wording him out of a gimmick, and they reintroduced him on the show that nobody watches. I’d love to make a poop joke here, but the match was pretty good, with Rose using some new offense (including a top rope splash to the back, so I think someone has been watching his Tanahashi tapes) to go along with his new look (trunks instead of tights), and Axel working with real fire. Poor guy, he probably thinks he’ll be pushed again at some point. Axel wins. **1/4
Fandango & R-Truth vs The Ascension: Yup, Fandango & R-Truth. You have to think that these guys looked at the booking sheet or the big chalkboard or whatever WWE uses to communicate the matches and thought to themselves “this is the end, we’re getting endeavored tomorrow.” Nothing screams WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU more than the random tag team pairing on the D-show. Except for losing to the Ascension. Oof. This time next year Truth will be the #BigRon of the G1, and Fandango will have long since joined the force. **
WWE Superstars – Episode 333
Zack Ryder vs Heath Slater: How many Heath Slater “My Way” t-shirts do you think the company manages to sell per year? 10,000? 5,000? 1,000? 100? (It’s not even searchable on WWEShop) Broski Boot, Rough Ryder, and a big win for Zack Ryder in the battle of jobber to the stars supremacy. How’s this for a fact? Both of these guys signed with WWE in 2006. 2006! They each go all the way back to the Deep South era of developmental. Ryder has been on the main roster since 2007, and has only managed to crack 11 PPV shows. Six of those were either Royal Rumble matches or battle royals, and a seventh was the huge multi man Team Johnny vs Team Teddy clusterfuck at WrestleMania XXVIII. So realistically, only four real PPV matches in nine years. **
The Ascension vs Los Matadores: I was all prepared to backhand praise The Ascension for not being completely terrible on this set of shows, but then this painfully dull match happened. The final sixty seconds or so was pretty cool, with Torito getting involved with a cool dive from the top turnbuckle to the floor on Konnor, but the rest of this was one long Ascension reverse chinlock to set up a hot tag. Zzzzzz. Matadores win, ending the two match Ascension winning streak. *3/4