This show better start with a goddamned statue. That’s all I have to say about last night.

Monday Night Raw
August 24, 2015
Barclays Center – Brooklyn, New York

I hope the unveiling takes place by satellite. I’d hate to see what happens to what will be a beautiful artwork should John Cena get his grimy mitts on it.

So will this crowd be the people who were at SummerSlam or the people who were at NXT?

Hey, a rematch from SummerSlam involving the four people who have been fighting each other every week for the last month? The creativity, the unseen turns and swerves, what is life anymore?

Guy Who Got Passed Out by Middle Aged Cripple

Hard to be too impressed or scared of a guy who was knocked out by the weird old dude who hangs out at the local Gracie Barra. If you anger Brock Lesnar just lay on the ground and wait to give his head a gentle hug and he’ll go to sleep. Oh sure he’ll fuss and flip you off, but in the end he’ll be snoozing away, looking like a peaceful manbaby.

Thankfully they kept Undertaker strong. He is the real future of the WWE.

I can’t even care about whatever Heyman is saying. He’s playing heel and face depending on the moment to a crowd that wants to boo the Undertaker who has been playing heel except that the announcers refuse to treat him as a heel. This whole feud has the alignment integrity of the Bellas. I know the match was fine and all, but I feel like both of them can just go. It’s done. Lesnar can’t win big matches. The Undertaker is somehow old and still the only person who can physically stand up to Brock Lesnar. This whole feud has become as fun as ferret legging. Brock is going to be so angry and pissed that he’s not going to see the Undertaker again for six months.

And it leads up to a Bo Dallas joke. JBL is wrong. The title of “Dumbest Man On the Planet” is in fact held by every one of us who keeps watching this miserable pile of festering shit. At least Bo gets money for the beating he’s going to take. Though if Bo’s smart he’ll lay on the ground and wait for the chance to hug Brock’s giant babyhead to sleep. It’s pretty much foolproof. Though I guess Bo needs to wait about 30 years before he’s in the kind of shape needed to beat Lesnar.

Do you think John Cena ever wonders why he allowed himself to be squashed so thoroughly last year when all it led to was everyone else getting to look strong against Brock?

Oh man, I bet Brock’s going to be suspended again and have to disappear for months. How crazy would that be?

I hate everything about this segment, the direction of this show, and this feud.

New Day vs. Lucha Dragons

“Chief Jay Trombone” being used three times in three minutes. Xavier Woods on the slide trombone. Titus O’Neil using the word capitalize 14 times in 30 seconds. “That was awesome” chant at the start of the match. I’m pretty sure this is the second best thing of the weekend. The first is of course Bayley vs. Sasha Banks.

All matches should have musical accompaniment. Slide whistles, trombones, violins, old timey piano.

After some thought, I’ve decided I will allow this. I’m a Dudley mark, now and forever. However I would have popped much more had they brought Spike with them.

The commentary is really making it sound like the Dudleys are back permanently. I can kind of see this working well in the tag division. It needed some fresh, or at least not seen for a while, blood in the division. I do wish that Bubba would have just danced with the New Day though.

Everything I said about the first segment. I feel the opposite of it with this segment. Winners: The New Day

I have a theory on why John Cena grants so many wishes. John Cena has been so thoroughly subsumed by the John Cena character that he has lost certain elements of basic humanity. He seemingly has no ability to feel human emotion when he is in a position of not being John Cena. This is the same guy who responds to his long time girlfriend’s affections with legal documents. John Cena is only capable of simulating humanity when he is performing the character of John Cena. In character he is indefatigable, never giving up, granting all the wishes. And because he sheds all of his troublesome trappings of being a real boy when he goes off camera and out of character he doesn’t have to carry it with him. A normal person would crack like dry kindling in the summertime long ago, knowing that death is not far behind you, entering each hospital room after you’ve left your wristbands and signed 8×10’s behind. But Cena keeps going, unaffected by the mountains of sorrow he scales every day, because John Cena can feel your pain, even if he does not understand it. John Cena knows nothing about this, and his life is so much simpler for it.

Please tell me a miniature version of that statue is available on WWE Shopzone.

Roman Reigns/Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt/Luke Harper

Looked like Luke had some nifty gear from Harper’s Handmades on tonight.

Imagine having paid and watched this match at SummerSlam the night before, and now you’ve paid to be at Raw and get to watch it again only at half speed and with commercial breaks where nothing will happen.

Harper is hugging Dean’s head. He is now ready to beat Brock Lesnar.

The camera clearly showed Roman was not holding the tag rope when Ambrose tagged him in. Everything after this point is invalid.

Dean Ambrose throws a lariat like he means it. So few guys do that.

Long have there been tales told of this man. The four was known to all who had eyes to see. Rarely, perhaps with the wild horses, a sighting of the five would happen and the legends of an even greater one would be told in hushed whispers. I thought the sands of my life would run the channel and drain away without ever knowing if the great beast was best hidden truth or long remembered myth. Tonight in the midst of such untruth and prevarication came the healing balm of the unreal becoming real. Tonight, we as a people were blessed with the coming from the dark of the first, last, and perhaps only…The Sixhead. Winners: Sasquatch Hunters. There’s hope for them yet.

Miz TV with Team PCB

Oh dear. This has some significant promo trainwreck potential. The faces in this whole thing desperately need someone with the promo skills of Sasha Banks.

Charlotte is in no position to be throwing shade at people. It’s really a shame though that this story arc has made her a face, since she just seems so stuck up and condescending.

I keep trying to figure out how to put in words what my thoughts on this segment are. But I have yet to determine how to put a wince into words. Like I said, they really need a face with the ability to speak. The obvious solution to all of this is to bring in Nikki Storm as a face.

The Bellas are just the by god worst. “Wins, losses, who cares?” They really don’t actually get professional wrestling. It made sense for them when they were the arm candy for guest hosts or part of angles over which one a boy likes best. But now, their characters are aimless. They’re dominant because they have the belt and because they are on a reality show. The division is caught in such a confusing place where about eight levels of reality are all collapsing into a meta black hole. I don’t even mean to be snarky about it, I truly don’t understand what the hell the story is anymore because the story is broken. At some point do Becky and Charlotte win a tag match and get to become the new faces of Total Divas?

Most over women in Brooklyn:

  1. Sasha Banks
  2. Bayley
  3. Blue Pants Leva Bates
  4. Everyone else but for…
  5. Alicia Fox

Every match with the Bellas in it feels like watching wrestling with training wheels. I can’t blame the crowd for doing the wave. Absolutely nothing about it feels honest. It is choreographed dance. I wouldn’t believe Nikki Bella acting like she’s in pain after you shot her in the kneecap.

For the first time I’m feeling concern about the future of women in WWE, at least in the short run. I originally thought there was benefit in using the Bellas to be the vanquished baddies for the new arrivals to beat. I thought the familiarity they had with the crowds would outweigh the detriment their lack of skill is to the division. I was wrong. Long Bellas matches are the easiest way to sabotage this whole thing while making it look like you’re giving the women a chance. Giving 15 minutes to a match where there’s always a Bella or an honorary Bella in the ring at all times is nothing short of malpractice. Either someone high up doesn’t have a clue, or is willfully trying to make this look bad. As always with WWE the choices come down to being stupid as shit or pure evil. And as long as this division has to dovetail with a reality show centered around the Bellas I’m not sure that problem can ever be resolved in a way that allows giving the division an honest shot to happen. Winners: Bellas

Stardust vs. Wade Barrett

That match was not scheduled. Also, it was match of the night.

Stardust vs. Neville

Not sure if this match was scheduled either. Second best match of the night.

I like to imagine that Los Matadores and the Ascension are standing backstage waiting for their cue to go to the ring and have their match right now.

Jon Stewart Has a Section

For those of you who were hoping for a new Raw reviewer, target your anger towards Jon Stewart. For those of you who were hoping I would get to heal my mental scars in comfortable retirement, target your anger towards Jon Stewart.

Stewart’s genuine marking out for Flair was pretty amazing. Also, Stewart is the second or third best promo in the company, depending on how creative Kevin Owens is feeling on a given day.

The fact that Ric Flair is about to tell Jon Stewart that he wants to see John Cena break his record makes me feel unclean and unhappy and unsure of my place in the universe.

Flair has a bit of the swagger happening tonight. It is kind of nice to see him coherent, since usually it feels like a train wreck waiting to happen.

So which of the two in the ring is the young guy who got put over by Cena finally losing the US Title? There is no point going into this any further, but they did a hell of a job flushing that summer long angle down the toilet.

“If I do this can he still see me?” Can we keep him? I hope this was Stewart’s plan all along, to retire from the Daily Show in order to join WWE.

The payoff for six months of Cena beating every single rising star for the US Title was Jon Stewart getting an AA. Unless you’re Roger Ailes I can’t imagine seeing this as a good tradeoff.

Dolph Ziggler/Cesaro/Ryback/Randy Orton vs. Rusev/Kevin Owens/Big Show/Sheamus

What the hell is Lana wearing? Tim Gunn would have a heart attack if he came into the workroom and saw that on someone’s model. He would throw them through the windows at Parsons and leave them to die on the cruel New York streets.

This could have been split into one awful tag match and one awesome tag match. How awesome would a 30-minute tag between Cesaro/Ryback and Rusev/Owens have been? How horrid would a seven minute tag between Ziggler/Orton vs. Show/Sheamus have been?

“Lana broke up with Rusev and started dating Ziggler. That made Rusev jealous so he started dating Summer Rae and dressing her up like Lana.” These two sentences almost made me stop writing, stop watching, and try to remove whatever chunks of my brain would let me ever remember watching WWE.

At some point Lana is going to get deported due to an evil plot by Rusev, and then Dolph is going to find her American cousin (not My American Cousin, Abe Lincoln’s least favorite play) CJ who looks just like Lana but doesn’t have the ridiculous Natasha Badenov accent.

I want Cesaro and Ryback as a mind-linked team in the Pacific Rim sequel coming out eventually. I would bet on those two against any damn kaiju.

I believe the combined press slam on Big Show proves my point about Cesaro and Ryback vs. kaiju. That said it just seemed unnecessary to beat the guy up like that. The match was over, you won. Now you’re just waiting around to beat the big guy while he’s down. Winners: Randback Zigsaro

Good on Stephanie McMahon for pointing out that Cena is a terribly sore loser. A man half his size admits he made a huge mistake, and you beat him up. Like I said, he only knows the compassion and human decency that John Cena is supposed to know, and since his moral compass was created and formed by the world of WWE. A world where the only people worthy of compassion are sick children and soldiers. So of course he had to beat up Jon Stewart.

Seth Rollins Has a Statue

Even though he didn’t win the title last night, the Cena vs. Authority feud has returned to being the main story of Raw.

I may be taking Mugatu’s crazy pills, but I bet that’s not going to be a Seth Rollins statue behind that curtain.

The funny old man who is 0-1 in WWE decided to make an appearance. Not sure why HHH felt the need to run out given that he beat him in the middle of the ring at Wrestlemania.

This seems an important time to point out that the following people have more official wins in WWE than Sting:

  • Kevin Federline
  • Floyd Mayweather
  • Maria Menounos
  • Snooki
  • Lawrence Taylor
  • Akebono
  • Mr. T
  • Mean Gene Okerlund

Suprisingly enough, God is also 0-1 in his official WWE career. Perhaps Sting and God should team up as the New Job Squad.

So what did happen to Seth’s statue. Did Sting steal it? Was Sting hiding in the statue the whole time? How do you lose a six foot tall bronze statue? This is the only question I care about after this show. Winner: WWE’s official statue maker. He’ll need to make a second Seth statue I guess.

This show was not the kind of thing to give me hope that this show is going to be fun to watch the next few months. Sting and Cena vs. the Authority sounds so insufferable that freegans would suggest chilling out. Brock vs. Taker is on hold until Royal Rumble at the earliest. The US Title has become just a decoration after all the energy put into building it back up. The women’s division is either booked by the dumbest people in the world or is being actively sabotaged. The whole exercise feels like a waste of time for everyone involved.

So I leave with a question for you, dear reader. Why keep watching? Why are you going to keep watching? Why should I keep watching? Why should anyone keep watching? I’ll take a lack of responses on Twitter to mean you’ve all given up and are too depressed by Raw to even type anything. Let me know at @spiffie6123.