Here are the only three things you need to know about this week’s episode of “Total Divas”:
- Naomi (Trinity Fatu) rents a bouncy house.
- The Bella siblings’ ineptitude results in the cork being rammed into a bottle of Opus One.
- BOOOOO EVA MARIE.
The episode opens with a Divas visit to Fort Benning, Georgia, where I assume they are being trained to overthrow Central American governments. They shoot guns. Which is perfect because this episode of “Divas” is the bomb.
To begin with, the Fatus (Trinity and Jon/Jimmy Uso) are sharing custody of Jon’s two kids for the first time, and Trin is actively and shamelessly trying to buy the children’s love. She rents a minivan with a DVD player. She rents a bounce house. She rents an alligator and some ponies and goats. She takes the kids go-karting, buys them cotton candy, and wrestles in the living room.
The end result is a cavalcade of priceless Jimmy Uso rage faces, custom made for Internet gif-ing. Until the kids’ mom calls and starts complaining about the “party house” and missing homework, at which point Trin has to learn to be a responsible parent. But not until we’ve gotten some quality shots of Jon trying to slide down the not-very-slippery slide on a rented bounce house.
(I should note here that my own parents recently BOUGHT AN ACTUAL DAMN BOUNCE HOUSE for my toddler daughter. So apparently what Trinity is trying to be is a grandparent. But she’ll have to get a popcorn machine and a water feature before she can keep up with Gran and Cappy Nolan.)
Meanwhile in Arizona, Nikki and Brie Bella are planning to open a barre studio, and over smoothies with Mama Bella and brother JJ, Nikki (who appears to be wearing custom John Cena leggings) invites the whole Bella clan to join up.
“I got excited for a second, and then I realized what I did,” she admits to Brie during an impromptu argument in the ladies’ room.
“I need a Nikki-cation,” Brie sighs.
JJ, ever the businessman, springs some commercial real estate tours on the twins, to which they react with dark humor (Nikki) and open hostility (Brie). Brie’s sullenness spills over into a trip to the nail salon with Nikki, and they quickly escalate into a full-blown Bella showdown.
“You can be very unenjoyable to be around,” Nikki complains. “You’re such an angry person. It’s insane to me … I think you’re legit psycho.”
Things just get worse from there (at one point Brie’s rebuttal to Nikki is actually “Your face”), and Nikki runs off to JJ to complain and suggest the two of them ditch Brie and go into business together instead. Then JJ runs to Brie’s house to tattle on Nikki, and then Brie gets mad and calls Nikki, and then all three of them are together and somehow everything is fine and there’s a very large bottle of Opus One. And as has been a problem already at least once this season, the Bellas can’t find a wine key in Brie’s reclaimed wood hippie kitchen (JUST BRING ONE WITH YOU NEXT TIME) and the end result is that they open a bottle of really good wine by jamming/shattering the cork into the bottle with the end of the beater from an electric mixer.
I. Can’t. Even.
Finally, in California, Eva Marie is continuing her training with Brian Kendrick (like, she literally has a handwritten checklist of holds and submissions she needs to learn, none of which appear to be checked off), and she’s on the hunt for a dope finisher. She wants to use Kendrick’s Sliced Bread #2, which involves a backflip off the turnbuckle, which could basically break someone’s neck if done wrong.
“I need a killer move,” she whines. “I need something that nobody has done.”
Husband Jonathan (often a dick, still frequently not wrong) plays the voice of reason:
“Yeah, but your move doesn’t need to be ‘Eva Dies,'” he points out, reasonably. And then he points out that whatever progress she has made in six weeks doesn’t compare to 15 years of training. The phrase “high margin for error” gets used.
“Like, crawl before you can walk kind of a deal, you know?” he says.
Obvs Eva has never seen “The Empire Strikes Back,” because if she had, she would know to ask herself: “Ready are you? What know you of ready?” In other words: Sit down, you Skywalking bumpkin, Yoda isn’t done with you yet.
You know who’s ready to deal out some tough love, though? The crowd at NXT, where someone inexplicably thought it would be a good idea to send Eva to cut a promo. Really, WWE? Take your least-developed, most-overhyped, poorly-skilledest talent and parade her in front of your most discerning, most wrestling-focused fans? Does that seem fair? Did no one foresee a capacity Full Sail crowd chanting “You can’t wrestle” to a tongue-tied Eva Marie? Because that’s obviously exactly what happens when she struts out to give her prepared remarks about how today’s Divas are revolutionizing the business.
Of course, Eva just eats the hate for breakfast, along with the drama from work (where Alicia Fox is complaining that it’s not going to be safe to wrestle Eva, who doesn’t really know how to wrestle with an opponent who’s not a male trainer who’s carrying all her weight), and makes some speech to the camera about rising above or the fans or whatever.
“I just need to really, like, have confidence that I can do this,” she says. So she goes back to LA and lands a Kendrick.
So props to Eva, I guess. But if I have to hear her use the phrase “step my game up” one more time this season, I’m going to give our TV the Bella Family Opus One Treatment.