I don’t know how much time I have. They’re all hunting for me. I’ve stumbled upon the greatest angle in wrestling history. It’s happening right in front of our eyes and no one can connect the dots. But I have. I see it clearly now. And I know what it all is leading up to. Soon I will tell you the shocking truth. But not yet. I still have some work to do figuring out the finer points. If anything should happen to me, know it was because I was too close to the answer. Until then everybody just act like nothing’s going on. Here’s some questions for RAW:

  1. Will John Cena act like anything at all important happened on Sunday? This is where the problem always ends up showing itself when Cena is involved. He’ll lose a match or take a beating. But the next night he brushes it off and nothing ever means anything with him. If he comes out joking and talking about how some people like him and some don’t and that’s why he loves the Universe, then last night, though awesome, becomes just another thing. This can’t be just another thing if they want to make a star.
  2. What’s going to happen with Dean Ambrose – Wacky Thief? Sounds like hardly anyone bit on the Dusty Finish last night. No surprise, WWE has spent years conditioning their fans to know the moments when a title change is a possible thing. But hey, maybe Dean will wear a chicken suit or something funny. That wacky Ambrose.
  3. Ryback is the the IC champ, will I support this? Of course I will! You know I love me some big speedball meathead hilarity. His first promo as champ is the most awaited speech since Lincoln’s inauguration. I hope he comes out to the ring and just reads from The Secret like he’s the Micro Machines dude, and then actually eats his opponent whole. Get the Honk-o-Meter set up, this guy’s going for the record.

WWE Monday Night RAW
June 1, 2015
AT&T Center – San Antonio, Texas

The show starts off with footage from the night before, with Stanley Blackburn overturning the decision and stopping Ambrose from claiming the belt through a tainted victory. Of course, Dean proceeded to steal the belt because SHENANIGANS~!

Could it be? Might it be? IT IS! A show-opening promo! Booker T is endorsing theft. I’m not sure if this is worse than his use of “indian giver” last week, but either way it calls into his question his ability to handle this job.

“Get your chants together.” I hate so much of the Authority’s existence, but then every once in a while Steph shows that she is still so damn good at being a heel.

I would re-subscribe to the WWE network if they showed Ambrose is sitting at home with the title belt in his fridge.

Amazing how a few months of not having him shoved down everyone’s throats has made the crowds not hate Roman Reigns so much. I mean sure, he’s going to win Money in the Bank, and eventually the title. But at least this time through the whole thing feels a bit less horribly plotted out.

Roman’s been reading the report. He knows about Daddy Paul and Mommy Steph and Uncle Glen. Followed by Seth throwing an amazing tantrum followed by storming off. Someone is definitely not getting that dirt bike he wanted.

Oh God is it going to be Reigns vs. HHH at Summerslam? It feels like it’s going to be.

Once again, nothing about their evil makes a damn bit of sense. They’re going to make a wrestler who rarely loses wrestle to keep his spot in the MITB match. Next evil NBA Commissioner Adam Silver is going to make LeBron James play a basketball game to determine if he gets to play more basketball games.

Roman Reigns vs. Wade Barrett: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! They’ve got Roman Reigns going against a man who can lose a match a thousand different ways. King Barrett’s royal army is the Washington Generals. It is likely he sleeps with his crown on his chest at night so he can spend the whole night jobbing to it.

Roman Reigns is getting a legit pop from the crowd. Maybe it was all Daniel Bryan’s fault the crowd turned on him.

Nice creative spot by Barrett going over the steps and kicking them back into Reigns.

Surely coincidental that they mention John Cena failing to cash in the MITB case one night after he loses cleanly.

Reigns is no Quentin Jackson. Hope he didn’t herniate himself doing that deadlift powerbomb spot.

So, to sum up this match. The Authority put Roman Reigns in a match where the winner goes into MITB. They do this to punish him. He is put against Wade Barrett, who is (by my calcuations) 4-1,683 this year. The match is allowed to progress without any interference or influence by said Authority. Reigns wins, and thus keeps his spot. As evil plans go this is right up there with my niece who is going to use her My Little Ponies to help her become President. Winner: Roman Reigns

It’s kind of sad, but I’m already dreading the inevitable promo and return win by Cena over Owens.

Okay, now there’s a bit of an evil plan. I hope Reigns wrestles like nine times tonight. Put him in a handicap match. Put him in a 12-on-1 match. Make him fight against an elephant and a lion. Be more evil than a door-to-door missionary who asks for a glass of water as a way to get you to listen to him.

Paige and Nikki Bella talked. I have nothing more to add to this.

RYBACK~! vs. Miz: Referring to himself as Big Guy will absolutely never get old for me. Touchy Feely Big Guy is wonderful. New Age Musclehead is such a bizarre concept that I can’t help but love it. He’s a guy who loves PMA, being fed more, lifting lots of weights, and Tinder hookups. As Gale Sayers would have said “I love Ryback and I’d like all of you to love him too.” This is the thing that keeps me writing each week.

And then Big Show punched Miz in the head. Seems about right. Winner: Ryback by forfeit

Fight Owens Fight! Why must every damn theme song sound the same? You know why I get excited by a theme as unloved as Stardust’s? Because it sounds different. That’s why Sami Zayn’s theme is the best thing ever.

Cena pretty much has to win at MITB doesn’t he? They can’t have him lose twice in a row, then he might not be as loved and called for by Make a Wish kids, right?

I hope Owens tore a Cena poster off his kid’s wall the way Eddie Guerrero tore down his kid’s Rock poster.

And after that wonderful promo by Owens, Cena comes out, runs onto stage, shows off his merchandise, and does not appear even the slightest bit the worse for wear. These two men inhabit such different worlds that Owens might as well be Eddie Valiant.

Interesting theory there, John. Man doesn’t deserve a belt because he’s not nice. Man is not a man because John Cena says so.

Just remember, being against Cena means you are in favor of children dying from cancer.

It isn’t that Cena’s promo wasn’t good, but we’ve seen it so many damn times. Cena respects you, but you’re not Cena due to some failing or another. John Cena believes in everything he says and he loves inspiring the children. He knows some people say Cena Sucks but damn it he’s still going to come out every night and entertain all of you. And when you fight him you’re going to lose because the champ is here. John Cena promos are so boilerplate that they could be spat out by a loren ipsum generator. And sadly the story always ends with Cena on top.

I’m not attempting to diminish what happened on Sunday. John Cena put Kevin Owens over smack dab in the middle of the ring. No interference, no crooked refs, no exploding monitors. This is an important thing. This is a good thing. But now the dilemma. How do you continue a feud with John Cena in a way that doesn’t end with Cena’s foil being left in a broken heap? Daniel Bryan’s method is probably the best one. Beat Cena and then get the hell out of there, immediately transitioning into another feud. That would have best for Owens I suspect. Hell, if you have Samoa Joe signed full time now move Owens to him now. This can only end in tears.

Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler: Xavier Woods is getting his Ph.D. in cheap heat. Tim Duncan bashing may be his doctoral thesis.

“See what I did there? It’s a cash register sound!” That line is my rebuttal to anyone who questions why Kofi should be in the MITB match. Your argument is as invalid as if I had my beard shaved into a windmill.

This match feels like a match I may have seen before. They’ve fought so often they make Komatsu vs. Tanaka feel like Mayweather vs. Pacquiao.

Seriously, Xavier Woods is just awesome. He should be ringside for all matches Just let him pick a side randomly and support it at all costs. Winner: Dolph Ziggler

And here comes the Prime Time Players. Upon returning from the ad break it appears we now have…

New Day vs. Dolph Ziggler and Prime Time Players: Is this the most African-American wrestlers who have ever been in a match on RAW at the same time?

Some nice double team work by New Day. Teams are establishing identities as tag teams. They’re matching their outfits, doing tag team moves, and establishing unified identities. I think someone has finally realized tag matches are a good way to kill some of the 3 hours that need to be filled each week.

I love Titus, but he was blown up after about two minutes. Regardless, I would still probably watch a Ryback/Titus feud with unbridled excitement. Just imagine the promos. Winners: Prime Time Zigglers

Roman Reigns vs. Mark Henry: This isn’t going to be fun to watch. Reigns is going to be selling (and quite really feeling) fatigue, and Henry is a few years removed from the Hall of Pain.

I can only assume Reigns forgot to take his Allegra today, hence the eye trouble. I understand Roman, pollen gets my eyes too.

If you’re going to have Reigns lose by countout and then catch a post match beatdown there better be another match for him coming up tonight. Winner: Roman Reigns

I can’t begin to tell you how little I want to watch this Randy Orton vs. Sheamus match.

I do appreciate the evil, but I still don’t know why you have Reigns in clean matches.

Once I had a future. Now I watch a show where assholes drink milkshakes dressed up as the Mega Powers. Might be time to talk to my shrink about upping the Prozac prescription.

Paige vs. Nikki Bella: A couple of years back at SHIMMER I yelled out “NO WAY!” as Rebecca Knox’s music hit for the first time in something like 40 volumes. After receiving a hero’s welcome, she ripped into the crowd and introduced the Knight Dynasty. She and Britani Knight were the juvenile delinquents whilst Saraya Knight was scaring the crap out of everyone. They drew what, to that point, may have been the most heat of any heels in the company’s history. It seemed Becky Knox had found her next stop in life. She was going to college in Chicago, having fun working as a sidekick outside of the ring, and had apparently moved past wrestling after some injuries. At the same time Britani Knight was the next prodigy, destined for bigger things.

Now Britani Knight is on Total Divas, and in an endless feud with the Bellas. Meanwhile, Rebecca Knox borrowed George’s Lynch Mob and may have just been part of the Match of the Year. Not the women’s MOTY. The MOTY, period, full stop. Life is funny like that sometimes. You are at a point in your life, and you think you have some idea what the next few stops on the road will be. But the road winds, and has switchbacks. You know as little as Jon Snow. But that’s the glory of living. One day someone you thought had potential has become another student at your art school. One day someone seems destined to change things. Then you wake up and you’re older, and you spend your Monday nights writing about the wrestling show, and the prodigy is losing to twins, and the one who time passed by is born again. Sure the story of living may be predictable, but the little details are always ready to surprise.

Randy Orton vs Sheamus: Alright, if you watched this match, then you know what happened. If you didn’t watch this match, here’s some better ways to pass the time you would have spent on this match. Pick any three and you’ve spent your time in a more entertaining way. No previews, that would take the fun out of it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoUSO_Mj1TQ

Winner: The rains down in Africa

Sad Rusev is heartbreaking. He needs Bo Dallas in his life, and with a quickness. Though if he keeps projecting this kind of humanity and vulnerability he’ll end up as a face. Imagine a double turn by Rusev and Lana/Ziggler. Lana can say she orchestrated it all to wind up with a real man who doesn’t quit (because women must be evil if they’re not attainable).

Bo Dallas vs. Neville: When Bo Dallas has decided he can’t save you, perhaps you truly are too far gone. That’s when you call in Dr. Shelby. Or Perhaps Dr. Sidney M. Basil.

Next week they should add “The Count of Monte Fisto” to Neville’s introduction.

Anytime the announcers use the word “little” in conjunction with Neville they ought to get 40,000 volts sent through their headset.

Someone kicking out of the Red Arrow should be as big a shock as the Ultimate Warrior kicking out of Hulk Hogan’s legdrop. I want that finisher to stay a true MDK. Winner: Neville

The most impressive thing on this show all night was the way that WWE was able to show footage from MITB 2011 and somehow not get a single CM Punk sign on screen.

Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt: Whoa. Funky graphic there for Wyatt. One of the problems with this show is how samey everything gets. The music sounds the same, the presentation looks the same. Look back at the old SNME shows. Everyone had their own logos, their own graphics. Having his own special entrance and look will always help Wyatt to seem important.

I know I make complaints like this a lot, but why isn’t someone walking down, punching Bray Wyatt in the face, and getting Reigns DQ’d? I wish these sorts of questions weren’t there to be asked. But when you only know how to do storylines based around who has control of the company, rather than who is the best in the company, then you end up with these Curly Moe sized plot holes. If you want to “tell stories”, then someone’s going to say “this story is really stupid.”

The Lazy Lariats by Reigns are not the most impressive addition to his arsenal.

Bray’s lariat on the other hand was far from lazy. Rather it was like 0.8 Rainmaker.

Seth Rollins stood outside the ring while the hated enemy of the Authority won. The Authority plots would be rejected by Wile E. Coyote as being hopeless.

Dean gets to make the save for Roman this time! It was getting a little too close to Roman and his lil’ buddy Dean over the last few weeks. Nice to see Ambrose coming in with the big arrival spot. As long as the history of The Shield is going to be an integral part of the program, they all need to continue to be perceived as equal, or at least close to it.

I would love to see Rollins come out next week with the Big Gold Belt and say he didn’t like that other belt anyways.

And with that, we reach the end. I’m going to do a sweep of the perimeter, make sure they’re not watching me right now. They don’t want me to tell you about the big surprise. I’ll answer some questions while I do this:

  1. Will John Cena act like anything at all important happened on Sunday? Yes, he did. But he did it in that Cena way where it is obvious that beating him doesn’t mean anything because he’s still John Cena. The only way beating him matters is if you somehow destroy the essence of Cena. And that can never happen.
  2. What’s going to happen with Dean Ambrose – Wacky Thief? Dean got the night off, and was treated as someone important. He was given the Big Damn Hero spot at the end of the night. He saved Roman Reigns. We know the likely path of the title for the next year or so, but it is nice to see they are giving Ambrose some time as a person in the mix during the summer.
  3. Ryback is the the IC champ, will I support this? Of course I do! As long as his match with Big Show ends with the Big Guy Shellshocking the Big Show, I’m happy. Plus someone not even in the match punched Miz in the head. People are now emerging from the locker room just to clobber Miz. How can that possibly be a bad thing?

Okay, so far so good. Let me check on the canned goods while the awards are handed out:

  • Ugh: Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler was bad enough, but at least that led to a different match. But then to follow that with Randy Orton vs. Sheamus was just too much. Both of these matchups need to be retired forever. And so help me if next week somehow ends up as Sheamus and Kingston vs. Orton and Ziggler, I quit.
  • Honorable Mentions: Ryback for being so full of Rybackery. Roman Reigns for being the Reigns that the company expected him to be before Mania. Seth Rollins for an epic temper tantrum.
  • MVP: Kevin Owens. There are those stretches where a wrestler just plain gets it, whatever it is. Owens is in that run. Every choice he makes, down to the inflections and subtle movements, is perfect right now. You can’t take your eyes off of him. Yes there are perils ahead for Owens, but tonight he was still in that blessed place.

So, now that we’re at the end, I can begin to tell you. See, it all started back in 2011 when HHH and Punk got toge.