WWE Smackdown
April 16th, 2015
The O2 Arena
London, England

The show kicks off with a heartfelt rendition of “JOHN CENA SUUUUUCCKS” as sung by the London crowd. The song’s namesake, John Cena, comes out and explains the rules of the Russian Chain Match that he will compete in with Rusev for the United States Championship at Extreme Rules. For those wondering, it’s the “who can touch the four turnbuckles first” gimmick with both men joined together at the wrists by a Russian Chain. John Cena then kicks off the US Title Open Challenge

Tyson Kidd and Cesaro come out and declare that they are not here to accept John Cena’s open challenge. They proceed to cut a “fact” promo on Cena. This was the best promo of Tyson Kidd’s career. Kidd showed more poise and confidence here than he has ever shown on the main roster making himself look like he belonged in the ring with John Cena.

Daniel Bryan then comes out to survey the crowd about whom they think is the greatest champion in WWE today. Bryan then challenges Kidd/Cesaro to a match against himself and Cena. Kidd/Cesaro accepts, but whether or not the tag titles are on the line is not declared. What a great main event! An all champions tag team match? This match SHOULD be for the WWE Tag titles with Cesaro and Kidd going over to rehab their status as tag team champions after losing a pointless handicap match against Randy Orton this past Monday on Raw.

R-Truth vs. Bray Wyatt: It is still confusing why Bray Wyatt is calling himself the “New Face of Fear” after spending weeks leading up to WrestleMania stating that he would defeat the Undertaker to become the “New Face of Fear.” Bray lost that match so doesn’t that mean Taker is still the “Face of Fear”? This is why Bray Wyatt’s feuds/matches hold zero weight or importance. Also, don’t Meng and the Barbarian have a claim to that nickname?

Bray wins a quick match here with the Sister Abigail. The London crowd sings “He’s got the whole world in his hands” for a moment which is the most heat Bray Wyatt has had in months. *1/2

The Miz “makes things”: The Miz talks about how he makes things. The Miz made Mizdow who he is, Summer the glorified extra who she is, and the Marine 4 a “soon to be success”. Basically, The Miz has put over a jobber, given Summer Rae more TV time on Raw than she has had in a year, and a WWE movie into being mentioned more times on WWE TV than any other WWE movie in history. Be proud!

Bad News Barrett comes out to a big pop to deliver some BAAADDD NEEEWWSS to the Miz.

Bad News Barrett vs. The Miz: The Miz takes his sunglasses off and Barrett immediately knocks Miz out with the Bullhammer Elbow which I can no longer call “The most protected finisher in WWE” after John Cena kicked out of a pin fall on Raw after receiving the Bullhammer Elbow. Previous to that US Title match no one has ever kicked out of the maneuver. The Brogue Kick now moves into that top spot! Who has ever kicked out of the Brogue Kick?

Damien Mizdow explains how he feels aka Renee Young is backstage with him: Mizdow is joined by Summer Rae and before he can finish explaining how he feels The Miz interrupts and sends Renee Young away. The Miz tells Mizdow that he wants a rematch and he wants Mizdow to stop using “The Miz” name. Summer Rae then declares that “everybody knows Damien does the Miz better than the Miz.” Damien then challenges The Miz to a match on Monday Night Raw for the rights to the Miz Brand. A feud that last months and months is getting a blow off match! On Raw…….ugh. I was never into this feud and hated the “Mizdow” gimmick, but I can at least respect the fact that this match should be on PPV.

Sheamus vs. Neville: The battle of the United Kingdom united by being Mononymous wrestlers! Sheamus gets on the mic before the match and does his goofy shtick only he does it as a heel. Sheamus should be the ultimate bad ass! Why does he have to do comedy? It’s the Rock’s fault. I have a whole theory on the Rock ruining wrestling promos. The Rock was real silly and goofy while he buried and made fun of his opponents back in the attitude era. Vince McMahon loved this so much that he has decided to give all of his top wrestlers the same shtick whether they can pull it off or not. So next time you hear John Cena cut a promo with a poopy joke you can tweet @TheRock to thank him.

Sheamus controls the early portion of this match with the exception of a Corkscrew Tope from the Man Who Gravity Forgot. Which by the way, for those of you giving WWE crap about that silly nickname, Neville used that nickname on the independents when he was known as “PAC”, so it’s not WWE’s fault, okay?

Neville gains control of the match after ducking Sheamus sending Sheamus into the turnbuckle post shoulder first. Neville puts together some great offense. Neville hits a Phoenix Splash on Sheamus from the second rope which Michael Cole says he was smart not to go to the top rope. Why? Because Neville then goes to the top rope for the Red Arrow and Sheamus counters. This was insightful commentary from Cole. Neville then counters the White Noise into a roll up. Sheamus proceeds to take Neville out of the ring and throws Neville on top of the commentators table forcing the referee to call for the bell. Neville wins via disqualification. This was a good match with some exciting near falls and had some of the best commentary from these guys we have heard in years. ***1/4

After the match, Sheamus beats Neville down until Dolph Ziggler comes down to rescue Neville. Dolph gets on the mic and lists the people that hate Sheamus. “Germans, Hungarians, Millennials, and Bronies.” Ouch. Bronies?

Sheamus then says “Kiss me arse.” Ziggler says “that’s weak”, and Sheamus then declares that at Extreme Rules it will be Sheamus vs. Ziggler in a “Kiss Me Arse Match”. Ugh. What a way to make the new bad ass Sheamus into a goofy lame character. Ziggler then says “In front of the entire world I’m going to make you kiss your own ‘arse.’” SO LAME.

Los Matadores (Fernando and Diego) vs. The New Day (Big E and Kofi Kingston): As The New Day make their entrance to the ring Kofi explains that they are going to “clap on! And clap on! And clap on! Because they clap so they don’t snap.” The fans reply with a full on “NEW DAY SUCKS! NEW DAY SUCKS!” chant. This group will become interesting when they stop clapping and start snapping.

This match only lasted a couple of minutes which was unfortunate because it was a fun match while it lasted. Torito arm dragged Woods on the outside. Kofi and Big E hit their double team finisher on Fernando which looked like a Flying X-Factor into the Big Ending. **1/2

Fandango breaks Rosa Mendes heart: Fandango is backstage breaking up with Rosa Mendes who is wearing the same dress she has worn every time I’ve seen her on TV with Fandango. Just gross. The Rosebuds then come dancing down the hallway as they pass Rosa Mendes who is supposed to be sad, but appears as if she is counting the number of years she has been contracted by WWE (nine) and comparing it to the number of years she should have been contracted by WWE (zero). Adam Rose then stops and tells Rosa that if she plays her cards right she can be number 1 in somebody else’s life.

Big Show becomes an auto insurance agent: Big Show comes out to cut a promo on Roman Reigns. Well, that is what he is supposed to be doing, except instead he is looking at the signature car of the London WWE set and assessing the damage caused by Reigns’ body via Big Show’s strength. This promo was just pointless. WWE could have shown a Raw Rebound segment showing what happened and I would have been more entertained.

Big Show’s big one-liner was “Afterward Roman was stumbling and bumbling around like someone from England looking for a toothbrush. Can’t find one anywhere! HAHAHA!” This was about as funny as a Dana Carvey movie (except for Wayne’s World, that one was good.)

Big Show then announces that at Extreme Rules he will take on Roman Reigns in a Last Man Standing match. One of my favorite Smackdown matches ever is Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show in a Last Man Standing Match for the World Heavyweight Champion from 2013, so don’t sleep on this match. Roman has had two PPV’s in a row with four star main events; this one could be surprisingly good.

Alicia Fox vs. Natalya vs. Cameron: Natalya is easily the worst actress in the history of the Divas division. She’s Keanu Reeves bad (I am a fan of Speed, The Replacements, and Point Break, but let’s face it. Reeves is a terrible actor).

These three Divas over-performed in this match. It was surprisingly decent with the exception of Cameron SMILING WHILE SHE WAS BEING PINNED! Ugh, this was the worst. I have pet peeves like:

  1. Wrestlers watching the referee’s count while being pinned
  2. Wrestlers awkwardly pinning their opponent to face the camera side (Nikki Bella *cough, cough*), but this was the worst ever. SMILING. C’mooon, Cam!

Nevertheless Natalya and Alicia Fox were good; proving the two of these Divas could have a good program together. Alicia Fox hits Natalya with the Scissor Kick, but Cameron steals the win. This was Cameron’s second win of the year out of the 32 matches she has wrestled (stat via CageMatch.net). I was surprised this wasn’t her first win. Apparently on an episode of Superstars Cameron teamed with Summer Rae and they defeated Naomi and Emma. These are the useless wormholes you get caught in when surfing CageMatch.net with curiosity.

Fandango vs. Adam Rose: Adam Rose is wearing his dirty Danny Davis tights. Which Danny Davis? Not the one from OVW. Rosa Mendes screams at Fandango. Rosa then talks to Rose thus distracting Rose and causing Rose to lose to Fandango because of Rosa. (That sentence was purposely written to be redundant and confusing. This is the stuff you do when you’re forced to watch Rosa Mendes try acting. Which might be worse than Keanu Reeves thus worse than Natalya.)

Bray Wyatt tells someone to run: I don’t even know. Bray cut another ambiguous promo about someone and told them to “RUN!” Why? I don’t know. Who? I don’t care. This guy’s character needs a rehab plan a-sap.

Daniel Bryan and John Cena vs. The Brass Ring Club (Cesaro and Tyson Kidd): Natalya is ringside showing no signs of losing a match just moments ago because…..well, the whole Keanu Reeves thing.

John Cena gets worked over during the first half of the match until he gets to Daniel Bryan for the hot tag. Bryan comes in and does his signature shtick leading to him kicking Cesaro and Kidd as the London crowd eats it up. Natalya distracts Bryan; Bryan ducks a dropkick from Tyson leading to Kidd knocking Natalya off the apron. Bryan slaps the Yes! Lock on Kidd for the win. **3/4

Final Thoughts: This episode of Smackdown was better than a Bill and Ted movie, but not as good as Point Break. The saddest thing coming out of this is Daniel Bryan’s health and the fact that this could very well be Bryan’s last match for a while….or worse, ever. Just think to yourself that if someone told you back in 2006 when Daniel Bryan was conquering Ring of Honor as their World Champion that his last four star match would be against a guy named “Roman Reigns.”

Words added to my Microsoft Word Dictionary: Every time I review Smackdown certain words will come up as “misspelled” when they are just weird proper nouns. I “add to dictionary” every time incase those words come up in another review to save time editing. Words this week:

1. Arse
2. Bronies
3. Carvey

This is my life as a WWE Smackdown Reviewer. For more on this and the rest of my life follow me on Twitter @MrTCMitchell