Kaiju Big Battel presents
Journey To The West Coast
Friday, March 27
Fiesta Hall – Santa Clara Fairgrounds
San Jose, CA

In the not-too-distant future, this Saturday morning…there was a guy named Larry, not too different than you or me. He worked at a wrasslin website, just reviewin’ shows in his white jumpsuit. He did a good job gettin’ hits for the place, but his bosses didn’t like him…so they shot him into space!

They’ll have him review cheesy wrestling shows — the worst ever made. They’ll have him sit and watch them all, with the hope they fry his mind. Now keep in mind he can’t control, when the shows begin or end, because he used the extra parts, to make his writer friends!

Writer roll-call:

  • LANZA (Hates Women!)
  • WARREN TAYLOR (Took all the good shit!)
  • MCCARRON (Airports!)
  • KRAETSCH (Wears wrestling shirts!)

Pre-Show Note: Joe Lanza claimed I am some sort of Kaiju Big Battel expert. While, perhaps true, my experience with it is limited to two live shows I attended during two separate WrestleMania Weekends. I was completely plastered.

Now, while I’ll still need my functions to type up a review, as promised (Post Show Edit – Never again.), I’ll be pretty well inebriated on some of the finest craft beer America has to offer while watching this show. (During Show Edit – The correct answer is Cigar City Brewery’s A Florida Man, for those that need to know) Because, if you aren’t incredibly high or drunk while watching Kaiju Big Battel, you’re probably really weird. The two events I attended, had a scant few sober individuals…I wouldn’t stand next to them. So don’t be socially unacceptable. Drink beer while reading this whacked out review (I don’t care that it’s 8am on a Saturday…drink) that is clearly ripping off $5 Wrestling.

Now…onto the show.

How ya holding up, Larry?

A quick scan of the raucous 150 in attendance…all whites and Asians. Can’t say that shocks me.

Also…asking for a friend…are the ten chicks that were dragged to this show by their drunk boyfriends wife material or nah?

Tucor vs. Sun Buster: Tucor is a mutated tucan. Sun Buster is a hero space traveler. Good guy won via an NES controller to the head.

Post match…a fake Dr. Cube comes out in a very fancy sweater. But its clearly Chris Hero, I mean, I can see his tights through his torn sweat pants…does this dude sleep?  Go to bed, bro. Hero would go on to defile a bunch of mentally incompetent looney bin escapees and claims he killed a man…Doctor Cube to be exact. What a scumbag. The Cube Doc is clearly the Tommy Westphall of this freak show…the man needs help.

Monger Kingu vs. Dusto Bunny: Why do I feel Chris Hero, Chuck Taylor, and Jake Manning are playing every character on this show?

Monger has gigantism of his fapping hand. His origin story is detailed below.

He’s wrestling a mutant dust bunny and they throw boxes at each other. Fap Monster wins.

Price Is Kaiju is next. Its a game where they give out a KBB DVD. Some poor gal picked the wrong day to respond to a craigslist ad. Just remember Rule #1, tootz…never host. You don’t want the dude that took you to this show to know where you live.

Los Plantanos vs. Iron Brothers: The Maduros win. Mi abuela es ofende.

Its almost intermission and two GenPop geeks nearly get into a fist fight while stacking boxes in an intermission challenge to stack cardboard boxes. I am pretty sure these are the two geeks that weren’t wasted at the last KBB shows I was at.

Sun Duster keeps doing run-ins. The Cubes are chasing after his caulking gun.

French Toast vs. Hell Monkey: I can’t be the only one to notice French Toast is actually a waffle, right?  Anyway…Hell Monkey wins because how a waffle gonna get up once it falls down?

Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder comes down to no pop to save the day from an ax wielding crazy monkey. After two chokeslams, The Boulder then cuts a promo in jive and puts over SNACKS.

Pheyden VS Cycloptopuss: Pheyden wins via Hogan finish. I got nothin for this one…

Silver Potato VS #13: This is how you make a star, clearly. Ripped right from Vince McMahon’s playbook of how to OVERCOME ALL OF DA ODDZ, the face (the potato) gets a beatdown for 5 minutes, before mounting the babyface comeback, only to be thwarted by the heel and the lead heel’s batch of henchmen. Cube clones come running down to the ring. Then AMERICAN BEETLE shows, up, cleans house leading to the coronation of the new Kaiju Big Battel champion…the Silver Potato.

And I’m done…

Remind me to never review a Kaiju Big Battel show again. If you’re not right of mind, go enjoy a show once in your life…its a huge self-esteem booster and you can cross it off your bucket list. Unfortunately, I could never recommend actually ordering an iPPV though.

Now, I’m going home…