Listen up, Ham’n’Eggers. I know you all are watching WrestleMania. I also know all of you are going to be inviting your GenPop friends over to watch the show…So, whats going to be the talk of the watercooler the next day. Will it be Daniel Bryan winning some ridiculous thrown-together match for a belt that doesn’t mean anything? Or, will it be a ridiculous RKOOUTTANOWHERE?!? Or maybe, just maybe its 37 german suplexes to Roman Reigns? I’ll tell you what it should be…the food you feed these jobbers.
So…what are you going to eat? Little Caesars? You ain’t generating no heat with that garbage. If you want to SHOW OFF and STEAL THE SHOW, get the ROAD WARRIOR POP with this roadmap on how to send your crowd home happy with the MEALS OF MANIA.
All recipes in this article are via me (Larry, your resident PWG reviewer and generally weird dude) and Mrs. Voices of Wrestling Michelle “The Nurse” Burkey (@burkeym, the girl who has to put up with Rich’s insane obsession) – Larry
Curtain Jerk Wings (Larry)
You can kick your Mania party off with a bang with these wings. Make the CURTAIN JERK at least a day ahead to let those flavors come together. Make sure you marinate dem wings for at least 12 hours before, too. Grill dem sumbitches up…because grilled shit is good. Then eat’em up…and swing back a glass of milk like Kurt Angle because these things are going to be hotter than a motherfucker.
- 6 Scotch Bonnet Peppers (no, you can’t substitute, wimp)
- 8 Cloves of Garlic
- 1/2 Cup Brown Sugar
- 1/2 Allspice Berries aka pimento
- 1 tbsp GROUND thyme
- 1 tsp cinnamon
- 1/2 tsp nutmeg
- ½ tsp grated ginger
- 2 bunches of scallions
Add a lil soy sauce if you wanna get that sawce a lil more moist.
Multiply this recipe if you have a ton of guests.
The Undercard (Appetizers)
Watermelon Stars (Michelle)
These are John Cena’s favorite because it’s so American (USA!) and well, he’s defending America at WrestleMania and trying to grab the United States Title, it writes itself. I used this recipe for my fourth of July party last year and it was a huge hit.
- Slice up watermelon into 1 inch slices
- Use a star cookie cutter to shape it into patriotic stars.
- Add some blueberries and whipped cream and you can have all the colors of the flag!
Southwest Quinoa Enchilada Bake (Michelle)
This Southwest Quinoa is great, you can eat it as a meal or serve it as a dip with tortilla chips. Either way it’s packed with protein so you can bulk and prep for leg day and be like your hero Ryback.
- 1 cup quinoa
- 1 (10-ounce) can mild enchilada sauce
- 1 (4.5-ounce) can chopped green chiles, drained
- 1/2 cup corn kernels, frozen, canned
- 1/2 cup canned black beans, drained and rinsed
- 1/2 teaspoon cumin
- 1/2 teaspoon chili powder
- 3/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese, divided
- 3/4 cup shredded mozzarella cheese, divided
- 1 avocado, diced
- 1 tomato, diced
- Pre-heat oven to 375* and grease a 8×8 baking dish
- Cook Quinoa (use directions on package, I used a rice cooker for mine)
- After the quinoa is done, mix all ingredients *except avocado and tomato* into a bowl (use only half of cheddar and mozzarella cheese, the rest will be used to top to dish)
- Spread the mixture into the baking dish and top with the rest of the cheese and garnish with the chopped tomato and avocado and serve!
Michelle’s Guac (Michelle)
Warning, this Guac is HOT like Dolph Ziggler.
- 3 avocados
- 2 serrano peppers
- ½ white onion
- Sea Salt (to taste)
- 2 Limes
This recipe is super easy:
- Mash up the 3 avocados
- Squeeze the juice of the 2 limes, mixing in gradually.
- Chop up the 2 serrano peppers and ½ of the white onion. Mix into the avocado.
- Add sea salt to taste.
I don’t use roma tomatoes because Rich hates them and no cilantro because I hate it. Feel free to add it in if you’d like but I think you’ll find this recipe much improved without the tomato.
The Main Event (Entree)
Dundee Ribs with Piledriver Whiskey Sawce (Larry)
Why are they called Dundee Ribs? Because these motherfuckers are the reason Bill Dundee never left town. If you want to pull the strap down, go to the middle rope, drop the fist on your get together, and send everyone home happy, make these, dudes.
DISCLAIMER: Listen, if you don’t own a smoker, I probably can’t trust you, and this recipe ain’t for you. However, if you are aspiring to be a real man, go get yourself something easy like the Weber Smokey Mountain bullet smoker. Also, get a fuzzy tennis racquet, just for aesthetics. Just make sure you get all this stuff from the VoW Amazon Store.
Once you’ve acquired this very important item, read on.
And while I’m at it, I’m not going to cut a 20 minute promo with a Beginner’s Guide on How To Smoke Meat Like A Man, there are plenty of websites to do that, so, go there and learn something.
This is what you need:
- St. Louis Cut Ribs (skin’n’trim it, rookie)
- Applewood Chunks (don’t soak the wood, jobber)
- Charcoal (get the good stuff)
- 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
- MEMPHISDUST (see recipe below)
- The S-A-W-C-E SAAAAAAAAAAWCE (see recipe below)
*This recipe is for ONE SLAB, but make that smoker look like American Legion Post #308 during BOLA if you’re serving a group. Just make sure you butcher the SLC Ribs right, please. Don’t botch it.
**If you are pressed for time, yes, you can use baby back ribs.
Pre-heat your smoker to 225 degrees. Use the Applewood. You’ll want to loosely monitor your temperature for the duration of this cook. Once an hour is probably overdoing it, but its the safe number. If you drop below 225, add some charcoal.
Once you’ve prepped the ribs, generously rub it with the oil, then the *deep erotic breath* MEMPHISDUST. Throw’em on the smoker, check in about every hour to make sure the temperature is on point, and come back and catch up on Mania Weekend festivities. You’ve got 5-6 hours. Bend Test will do the trick to make sure they are really done. Once their done, you can serve’em just as is, or you can mop on THE SAWCE.
Serve immediately and make sure you save yourself some…these will be consumed faster than a RAW Divas match and everyone will be chanting in one voice FEED ME MORE.
MEMPHISDUST (no relation to Goldust or Stardust)
- 1/2 teaspoon of salt per pound of meat
- 2 tablespoons ground black pepper
- 3/4 cup dark brown sugar
- 3/4 cup white sugar
- 1/2 cup spanish paprika (yes, spanish paprika, it has a smokey flavor regular paprika doesn’t replicate)
- 1 tablespoon of ground ginger powder
- 2 tablespoons onion powder
- 1 teaspoon rosemary
*Mix this up in a bowl.
The S-A-W-C-E SAAAAAAAAAAWCE
- 8 cups of Whiskey. Jack’s Black Label will do the trick. You’ll need 2 cups for the recipe, drink the rest.
- 1 cup ketchup
- 1.5 tablespoons lemon juice
- 2 tablespoons Worcestershire Sauce
- 2 tablespoons malt vinegar
- 5 tablespoons of molasses
*Bring the whiskey to a boil, add all of the other ingredients, simmer for roughly 30 minutes, and mop it on the ribs immediately.
WWE Network Post-Show (Dessert)
Cinnamon Buns (Michelle)
This recipe is dedicated to Booker T and his amazing man bun. Read my ode to his wonderful bun: An Ode to Booker T’s Man Bun. Special thanks to GotMixer.com for the recipe.
- 1 cup of warm whole milk
- 2 eggs at room temperature
- 1/3 cup of margarine (melted)
- 4 1/2 cups of bread flour (or more)
- 1 teaspoon of salt
- 1/2 cup of white sugar
- 2 1/2 teaspoons of dry yeast
- 1 cup of brown sugar (packed)
- 2 1/2 tablespoons of ground cinnamon
- 1/3 cup of unsalted butter (soften)
- 1 1/2 cups of powdered sugar
- 3 oz. of cream cheese (at room temperature)
- 1/4 cup of butter (at room temperature)
- 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
- 1 small pinch of salt
- Drops of water (enough to soften up the frosting)
View the full instructions on how to make these buns at http://www.gotmixer.com/cinnamon-roll-recipe.
Lemon Bars (Michelle)
These bars are so crazy good, they’ll even make Dean Ambrose stable. Thanks to So, How’s It Taste? for the original recipe.
- 2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1/2 cup powdered sugar
- 1 cup butter, softened
- 1 tsp. grated lemon peel
- 4 eggs
- 2 cups granulated sugar
- 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
- 1 tsp. baking powder
- 1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
- 1 tsp. grated lemon peel
- 1 cup powdered sugar
- 2 to 3 tablespoons lemon juice
- Heat oven to 350°F. In large bowl with electric mixer, beat flour, sugar, butter, and peel on low speed until crumbly. Press mixture evenly in bottom of ungreased 13×9-inch pan. Bake 20 to 30 minutes or until light golden brown.
- Meanwhile, in large bowl with wire whisk, lightly beat eggs. Beat in remaining filling ingredients except lemon juice and lemon peel until well blended. Beat in 1/4 cup lemon juice and peel.
- Remove partially baked base from oven. Pour filling evenly over warm base.
- Return to oven; bake 25 to 30 minutes longer or until top is light golden brown. Cool completely, about 1 hour.
- In small bowl, mix 1 cup powdered sugar and enough lemon juice for desired spreading consistency until smooth. Spread glaze over cooled bars. Cut into bars. Store in refrigerator, but allow bars to come to almost room temperature before serving.