If you’re still not watching “Total Divas,” here are just a few of the solid gold moments you didn’t get to see this week:
- John Cena in a singlet and a luchador’s mask. (Seriously, though, a personalized singlet with his name on the back.)
- Paige telling Rosa Mendes her lips “look like herpes.”
- Nattie and Tyson “TJ” Kidd fighting backstage at work. Because Nattie brings TJ’s whole mood down and it is not work-appropriate.
- Rosa Mendes trying to learn to twerk.
- Dolph Ziggler asking Nattie to text him “later.” Like, “later, later.” Better yet, just Snapchat.
- Alicia Fox comparing Cameron/Ariane to Shanehneh from “Martin.”
Speaking of the Foxy One and Ariane, they don’t get along. Paige and Rosa decide the best way to fix this is for them to go on a girls’ weekend in Los Angeles. There’s major tension, though, because of driving or something, which then leads to an argument after Ariane says how glad she is she went back to NXT for a while, and Alicia agrees because she thinks Ariane “needed it.”
“Hard work is hard work,” Alicia says. “I’m surprised you were willing to do it.”
Then Ariane says Alicia is “like a grandma in this company,” and Foxy says Ariane’s “two months in developmental really shows.” Ouch.
Later, an afternoon of relaxation by the pool turns into a knock-down drag-out during which the following insults are used:
- “Bootleg Nicki Minaj”
- “A stank version of Rihanna”
- “Fake as press-on nails”
- “Bye, 10 minutes of fame”
Then there’s a calming down, followed by the requisite talking-it-out conversation, during which everyone strikes a conciliatory tone. Or as conciliatory as Ariane or Foxy actually get, anyway.
“If you feel that I’ve ever been a douche to you, then I apologize, but I actually feel that it has been the opposite,” Ariane says.
Turns out Foxy was being mean because she felt like Ariane was brought up to the main roster to replace her. They kiss and make up — well, no. They just make up.
“OK, friends, but let’s not hug it out, because physical contact will make me puke,” Alicia says.
Back in Tampa, to get away from TJ (and the fumigation tent around their house), Nattie and one (some? It’s hard to keep track) of the cats crash at the home of Trinity/Naomi and Jon (Uso) Fatu in an arrangement Jon calls “Jon’s Pet Shop and Chaffeur Yo Ass.” Cat poop gets on the floor almost immediately, and then Nattie gets all emotional looking at Jon and Trinity’s wedding photos. Then Jon isn’t wild about the cats, so Nattie flips the hell out and offers to go home. Trinity calms her down and tells her to quit “moping in (her) own sorrow.” It’s pretty much more of what we’ve come to expect from Nattie, but with bonus Jimmy Uso.
While shopping at a health food store, in the process of learning about all-natural condoms, Brie and Nikki start talking about how the Braniels use the pull-and-pray method of birth control. (It comes up ORGANICALLY, guys.) Brie doesn’t like to use birth control because it’s “putting chemicals in your body,” and married people don’t use condoms. Nikki is not really OK with this, since if Brie gets knocked up, the Bella Twins’ momentum would come to a screeching halt.
“That did just kind of get personal,” John Cena comments when Nikki brings it up later, yet again saying what we’re all thinking. And then he points out to Nikki that if Brie wants to have a baby, it’s sort of her own business.
“That is not good for business,” Nikki says.
“So, does John Cena get, like, a self-help show off this?” my husband asks at this point. “(He’s) not just the voice of reason — the font of wisdom.”
Back at the Braniel homestead, Brie and Daniel Bryan work in their organic garden and talk about how the Bella Brand has survived injuries and “I quit” storylines, and how Bryan is ready to have babies, like, immediately.
“This is basically just an infomercial for John Cena and Daniel Bryan as the best guys ever,” my husband says.
The Bella-Braniel triumvirate goes out to dinner so Nikki can shame her sister and brother-in-law into not ruining her career by fulfilling their goal of having a family. This goes rapidly downhill considering our last dramatic Bella Twins story arc had to do with Nikki being angry about Brie meddling in her relationship with John. And then Brie hits below the belt: She doesn’t think Nikki wants her to have kids now that Nikki has decided being with John Cena is more important than being a mother.
Both sisters announce that they are no longer hungry. And Bryan D. Bryan sneaks a bite out of Nikki’s bowl of ramen.
Perhaps inspired by D. Bryan Danielson’s sneaking, Nikki does some creeping of her own, slinking off backstage at work to sell Brie out to WWE exec and embattled “Total Divas” villain Mark Carrano.
“Let’s just say if one of the Bellas happens to get pregnant,” Nikki says, casually and completely hypothetically.
The merch guy says the Fearless Nikki brand can stand on its own — but Carrano clearly isn’t thrilled that the test of that theory could be right on the horizon, and he asks Nikki, ominously: “Will you please tell your sister to see me immediately about her baby fever?”
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.
Next week: Tears, drama, screaming fights and Brie Mode. And, presumably, an awkward conversation between Brie and the boss.