This is going to be very brief this week. Which is a shame because the ending of Survivor Series had me excited for Raw for the first time in a long while. But between the minor annoyance of finding out Raw wasn’t recording because it has been bumped off the DVR by a series of shows on Discovery ID about someone murdering someone (every show on that network), and the fact that watching three hours of news coverage on the events in Ferguson has me really not giving even a small damn about Raw tonight — let’s just say we won’t be at 5,000 words this week.
Monday Night Raw
November 24, 2014
Hey, who’s the hippie with the beard?
As a proud libertarian Kane should embrace this opportunity to show he’s better than the other concessionaires and pull himself up by his bootstraps.
Did I miss when Daniel Bryan turned into a Glenn Beck fan? Seriously, the reason to punish Rusev is for being a Russian? If you think Rusev played dirty and want to stack the deck against him go for it. But Daniel Bryan as a wackadoo red stater is not a good look for him. I expect that sort of thing out of John Cena.
Ryback vs. Henry: Well that was quick and relatively painless. Probably good to establish the clothesline as a finisher since Ryback is oddly lacking in brute strength for a guy who has that build. Winner: Ryback
Glad to see they’re already starting to crack the door open for the return of HHH/Steph saying they have to fix this. The fact that Vince made the joke everyone made about Thanksgiving being rough was a decent larf.
Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper: If this angle somehow leads to a change in the announce team it would be the best angle ever. This match feels like the very definition of filler. Ambrose is killing time, Harper is killing time, the whole damn show is just killing time. That kick counter by Harper was pretty sweet. Advantage of being a crazy person wrestler going against another crazy person wrestler is you can call spots and look like you’re talking to yourself as usual.
What a shit finish. If you’re dumb enough to have cared about this match you deserve what you get.
The post match attack by Wyatt had some good fire to it. The dropping the last chair like a mic he just spit hot fire into was a fine touch.
The Usos documentary looks like the kind of thing I want to see on the Network.
This is not the night for this New Day Coming crap.
Fuck you Larry the Cable Guy. Not just for wearing that but for making me laugh with the eye candy/diabetes joke.
Cody Rhodes has passed the Lithgow River and is approaching the Shatner Mountains.
Dust Brothers vs. Mizdow: Stunt titles. So predictable yet I would have been terribly disappointed had it not happened. I have to say I never would have imagined Sandow could be this good at being a face.
When Jerry Lawler is trying to get people to focus on the match you know something is horribly wrong. Somehow Miz gets something akin to a face pop for getting the pin. That could ruin this wonderful dynamic.
CRAZY MARY DOBSON! In honor of her being the concessions manager I will put on my Crazy Mary autographed Friday the 13th mask for this next segment.
Oh wait, it’s Rusev being forced to pay homage to America in order to show how wonderful the freedom of being in America is. I might go for a mask without eyeholes.
After spending nine months being abused by those in charge Daniel Bryan instantly uses his power to force someone he doesn’t like (yet has done nothing to him) into a situation where he either has to be humiliated or put in a ludicrously unfair match.
I was hoping for Hacksaw Duggan here. Now I just hope Rusev murders Slaughter. Put him in the Accolade until Sarge’s head explodes.
An angry old man is bullying a foreigner into saying she loves America. I feel like I’m watching some sort of Tea Partier’s fever dream.
Rusev finally stands up to stop the angry old dude from bullying his friend and manager. He’s the face right?
Jack Swagger’s back, along with his hilariously racist manager. Rush Limbaugh just came so hard he’ll need a double dose of percocet to come back down.
Somehow I’m not surprised Kane is a fan of Larry the Cable Guy
Fandango vs. Justin Gabriel: Nope. Just nope. I’m trying to at least give this show some degree of interest but the CM Punk chanting crowd and I combine to give not even a nanofuck about this match. Winner: Fandango
Big Show saying “just want to make sure we’re all cool” with a shit-eating grin is wonderful.
This is kind of excellent. Everything he is saying is logical, and he is delivering it with a perfect sincerity. The man just wants to be loved. To be secure. And in the end he makes a valid point. But somehow he does it all with a certain disingenuousness. It’s wonderful.
“Upside Down Sheamus” “Where’s your widdle kitty cat?” Show is singlehandedly saving me from turning this off. I’m already dreading the inevitable angle where someone steals Rowan’s sheep mask.
Noble and Mercury getting excited at the thought of teaming with Ziggler is great. Really Jaime Noble should just beat the hell out of everyone and call it a day.
Brie Bella vs. AJ Lee: AJ’s still here. And did a fine job of sneaking in the word “lesbian” there. This one HAS to be her farewell. This match is moving so slowly I think I’m going to look like Gandalf by the end.
JBL with a Robert E. Lee reference. Good to see they’ve got some young hip voices to hook the kids.
OH SNAP! Are we finally going to get acknowledgment of the Cena/Nikki and Bryan/Brie pairings in Raw canon?
The Bunny and Adam Rose vs. Tyson Kidd and Natalya: Oh and Santino and Larry the Cable Guy are on commentary. There’s no joke I can make here that could compare to the joke that life has played on me. It’s 1am and I’m watching this.
Adam Rose looks like he’s about 70 years old. Seriously, he looks like Mick Jagger’s older brother. Winners: Tyson Kidd and Natalya
The New Day better be a swerve or I will say angry things.
Kane’s so getting fired. Possibly hacked to death with a machete given Crazy Mary’s in charge.
John Cena is so fake that he constantly seems about to turn heel. My mind has trouble dealing with the idea he’s acting this way trying to be a good guy. He’s…he’s…terrible at being a face at this point.
I really hope that they don’t mess up what they’ve got in this moment with Ziggler. I know they will, because they always do. But for a moment before this match and the next four months start I can believe this is the Ziggler push to permanent main event level.
John Cena/Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins/?/?: That’s the loudest Jamie Noble chant ever. It is deserved. Noble is awesome. What’s Nidia up to these days? This crowd is dead. Jamie Noble is alive.
Apparently Nidia went to culinary school. And I’m still upset that Taylor didn’t win the first season of Tough Enough. Oh yeah Cena and Ziggler won.
OH MY GOD! THE CHIME! THE PODIUM! HORNSWOGGLE’S COMING BACK TO RUN RAW! Winners: Dolph Ziggler and John Cena
Sorry my heart wasn’t in it this week. Sometimes the real world is just too damn real and even wrestling isn’t enough of an escape from it. Hopefully next week will be fun time again.