Yesterday was New Japan King of Pro Wrestling. That was such a fun show last night! Tonight is Raw.
Dean Ambrose comes out to start Raw. Says he’d like nothing more than take Seth Rollins inside Hell in a Cell. First, however, he’ll have to take care of the poster boy John Cena. He told him he’d have no problem taking him out where he stands, and he did that last week on Raw. Cena did the same to him on Smackdown. So at Hell in a Cell he’ll grab that contract then beat Cena where he stands.
Cena comes out. Tells him to relax. You’ve got the match of your life in a few weeks in Hell in a Cell. Shut up. Use these weeks to prepare for the biggest match of your career. Dean Ambrose says thanks, but he’s already ready. Don’t talk to me like I’m some sort of chump. Cena says you’re in over your head. Ambrose drops his mic like he’s about to fight when The Authority come out. They make a triple threat match for tonight. Triple H says they won’t last five minutes without wanting to fight each other. Stephanie says they’re just talk. Triple H and Stephanie make a bet for the standard amount. The Authority, always the coolest and smartest people in the WWE.
John Cena and Dean Ambrose vs. Gold and Stardust vs. The Usos: They had a match that started to pick up after the first commercial and turned out to be pretty fun in the end. Everyone, even Cena, did dives on the outside. Cena pins Stardust after the AA. Remember when champions didn’t lose all their matches?
Stephanie won the bet, so Triple H gave her a dollar. Triple H is upset, however, and makes the contract on a pole match for tonight. Plans change~!
AJ Lee and Layla vs. Paige and Alicia Fox: I don’t care. I thought Layla was a heel last week. Who is the face here is the real question. Layla left AJ on her own, but pinned Alicia quickly with the shining wizard anyway. AJ attacked Layla after the match. WHAT IS THIS LEADING TO. PLEASE. LEAD TO SOMETHING. END THIS FEUD. PLEASE. WHAT IS THE POINT OF DOING THIS.
Orton walks in on the Authority. He talks about how Seth Rollins is the future. Well, the future is a long ways away. He says Rollins better not steal his spotlight. He wants a match at Hell in a Cell. He wants to face John Cena or Dean Ambrose in the main event of Hell in a Cell.
Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler: Ziggler is the Intercontinental Champion. Who cares. They were having a match. Seth Rollins came out, because I guess they’re all required to interfere in everyone’s matches. Ziggler was going for the famouser when Orton catches him in a powerbomb position and throws him in the air, landing an RKO for the win. Get rid of all the belts if you don’t give a fuck about the champions and designate them as jobbers.
Rollins and Orton had a staredown. Rollins then laid out Ziggler because he’s a jobber. He’s also the Intercontinental champion.
Seth Rollins vs. Jack Swagger: Randy Orton came out in the same exact manner Rollins did in the previous match.. Swagger had Rollins in the Patriot lock, but he ends up escaping and counters a German attempt by Swagger into a rollup for the win. Why not just pin him clean with his finish?
Orton laid out Swagger with the RKO after because he’s a jobber. Orton and Rollins had a staredown. Rollins bailed. They’re building tension between these two. I hope it leads to a Orton turn so I never have to see John Cena and Randy Orton have a match ever again.
Dean Ambrose promo. He’s not a nice guy. He’s going to put John Cena in his place two weeks early. He’s sending Seth Rollins straight through hell. Both he and Cena are on the highway to hell.
Big Show promo. He says Mark Henry was very close, but if anyone can put 318 million people on his shoulders it’s him. He’ll get the job done tonight.
Lana came out for her promo. Talked about Christopher Columbus, since today is his day here in the United States. Some say he was a egomaniac who got lost. Some say that “he was pretty mean to the Indians” and they ended up being sent to reservations and built casinos. I think she forgot to mention the 400 year span where they were enslaved and massacred, but yeah that happened too. The fact is, they are lazy and stubborn just like Columbus. Cheap heel heat on the Atlanta Braves. Rusev grabs the mic. His actions will have consequences. Finally Big Show came out. This felt so long.
Rusev vs. Big Show: They had a long match that was just there. Mark Henry ran in and attacked Rusev for the DQ.
Big Show and Mark Henry cornered Rusev after the match. What great babyfaces. Rusev attacked Mark Henry but walked right into the Big Show’s fist. What. Ever.
Sheamus promo. He said a hideously lame joke what ever.
Sheamus vs. The Miz: What. Ev. E. R. They did an interview with Todd Chrisley in the audience. Plugged his show for tomorrow. They had a whatever match. Mizdow was at ringside and got involved. Sheamus grabbed him and laid him out with a brouge kick. This distracted him and allowed Miz to roll back into the ring for the count out win. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The face Total Divas came to NeNe Leakes locker room. They were all talking when Cameron and the heel Total Divas came in. Cameron and NeNe had a confrontation, with both of them saying girl bye as Cameron left.
Natalya, Naomi and Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella, Cameron and Summer Rae: NeNe Leakes from Real Housewives of Atlanta was here at ringside. It’s a show where rich people yell and attack each other for an hour. I hope this is a phase in television that phases out soon. Brie pinned Nikki with a facebuster. Well I guess we don’t need to see them feud now, Brie just pinned Nikki clean.
John Cena promo. Says tonight’s about the best young talent in the WWE today going against the guy who runs the place, and it’s next.
Bray Wyatt promo. “Its coming” he says ominously. What is coming? Who knows. Probably nothing, as these last few shows suggest.
The Authority, Kane, Rollins, and Orton all got entrances before the following match started.
Contract on a Pole Match: John Cena vs. Dean Ambrose: Since this started at like 8:00 PST, they had a five minute match. Why such a short match for a big stipulation that’s going down at Hell in a Cell? The Authority geeks got involved, of course. Cena was distracted laying out Kane and Ambrose grabbed it just like that. A great finish to get no one over. With that said, there was an actual finish on a Raw main event. Gadzooks!
Orton cornered Cena as Rollins and Ambrose had their staredown as Raw went off the air.
John Cena and Randy Orton will headline a PPV in 2014. The epitome of who gives a fuck. The show itself was slightly better than previous weeks, but the boredom. The tediousness. The worthlessness of everyone. I give up. I was going to try and last till after Hell in a Cell, but WWE is the epitome of boredom this fall and frankly I have better things to do in my life than to cover three hours of the most boring television on planet Earth. DONE.
I feel so free now that I’ve finally taken this step. Don’t worry, I’ll do New Japan reports as long as Joe and Rich will have me around. But I’m done with Raw. Pray for TNA.