I like the description my DVR had for Raw tonight. “Rumors are circulating the Authority will reveal the WWE Hell in a Cell matches.” Yeah, that would be nice since the show’s three weeks away.
Seth Rollins starts off Raw. He asks if him getting slimed last week was funny. The fans respond by chanting yes. Rollins says, however, that THIS was the real highlight of last week. They show footage of Cena and Ambrose getting laid out by Rollins. One thing that you do not do is mess with Seth Rollins. Suddenly Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury come out and ask Rollins to leave. They want him to leave, but Rollins refuses. Everyone wants a piece of Seth Rollins, and accepts it. John Cena then runs in and attacks Rollins, but he bails quickly and exits through the crowd. He stops and pauses, smiling, but doesn’t realize that Ambrose is right next to him and attacks him as Cena throws him back into the ring. The new stooges hold Ambrose as Rollins bails.
This brings out The Authority. Stephanie said she knew that Rollins would come out here and get attacked because his ego is bigger than his brain. Nice subtle burial there. They’re really needed at this time. Asks the audience if they want Cena and Ambrose get their hands on Seth Rollins. They cheer. They make the riveting main event match that will end in a DQ, Seth Rollins, Randy Orton and Kane vs. John Cena and Dean Ambrose.
Dolph Ziggler and The Usos vs. Cesaro and Gold and Star Dust: Seen it, so I fast forwarded. It was really long. One of the Usos were jumped earlier, but they managed to preserve and pick up the win with a big splash on Stardust. At least it wasn’t Cesaro, like last week when they had the same exact match.
Hoda and Kathie Lee came out with Adam Rose. The gist of it was they broke fake wine bottles on their behinds and crowd surfed with the Rosebuds. They needed to fill three hours.
Luke Harper vignette. One thing that I did not notice from last week is that there was one shot of Rowan in the video, but that’s it. I guess he’s being shipped to NXT or something.
Bo Dallas vs. Mark Henry: Seen it, so I fast forwarded. Like an idiot, Mark Henry continually beat him on the outside until Bo Dallas escaped from a World’s Strongest Slam and ran into the ring for the count out win. The shot of the crowd appearing completely dead for this speaks volumes.
Dean Ambrose came out. Talks about what happened on Smackdown when Cena bailed on him to take out Rollins. He calls out Cena, who does so. Fans chanted “John Cena sucks” as his music played. So yes, the boos were far more noticeable this week. They complained to one another about their problems with each other and the Authority until Dean Ambrose made the shocking announcement that he was hungry. He announced he was going to go to Coney Island and eat a hot dog. So he left. And after commercial, he appeared on the subway, got on and departed, I guess to get a hot dog at Coney Island. Sounds better than watching Raw, that’s for sure.
Brie Bella vs. Summer Rae: Brie’s arm is tied behind her back, because you see, Nikki just remembered all the mean stip matches she had to go through so now Brie has to do them too. Brie won quickly anyway. Summer Rae has more potential than this, but hey who cares, midcard.
Miz and Mizdow arrived in Kane’s office. Miz gave him a fruit basket for the way he talked to the Authority last week. Kane didn’t like this and made another match with Sheamus. Both of them left, only for Mizdow to return and grab the fruit basket. Why are heels booking other heels in matches where the face will be triumphant? Who cares, midcard.
Jack Swagger vs. Tyson Kidd: This was good while it lasted. Tyson used Nattie as a shield at one point. Kidd was going for something off the top rope and told Nattie to get out of the way. Swagger caught him and went for the Patriot Lock. Tyson wanted Nattie to grab his hand, but she refused, so Tyson tapped. They are very interested in making this marriage not last.
You want to know this Roman Reigns interview WWE hyped their ass off for a full week was? I’ll go into extensive detail here. Cole asks how he feels. Reigns says he feels a lot better, but he’d rather be in Brooklyn. It’s only a matter of time before he straps that vest back on. With the right positive attitude he’ll be back in no time. That was it. The verbiage. The length. What the FUCK. Remember kids, every time WWE promotes something, it doesn’t matter. It will never deliver.
Torito vs. Mini Gator: Yes. Hornswoggle is now named Mini Gator, because WWE comedy. They did a terrible comedy match that tonight just did not work with this crowd. They promptly chanted “This is stupid” and “Derek Jeter”. Torito won with a moonsault. This can best be described when Michael Cole immediately deadpanned after the match saying “that was awesome”.
Lana and Rusev came out. They said there would be no match tonight, because the script changed at the last minute. Wait, no. The actual story they gave was that Big Show was in sensitivity training. Wait, no. He’s now suspended for desecrating the flag. So why was he on Smackdown? WWE doesn’t even have continuity on the same show, another WCW hallmark. Lana asks what he’ll do to Big Show when they do fight. Rusev says he’ll crush him and challenges him to come out. The Rock comes out instead to a massive ovation.
The Rock proceeded to go into intricate detail about how he came to the arena tonight, all while making cracks at Rusev and Lana. Lana tells him to shut up, who do you think you are. Rock told her to stop dressing like a Soviet streetwalker. Rusev tells him to leave or he’ll crush him. Rock proceeded to do all his lines while the announcers laughed. Rock says they don’t boo him because he supports Russia, but they boo him because he’s an a-hole. Lana sics Rusev on The Rock, but Rock easily lays him out and send him over the top rope to the floor. Cole goaded him to do something, but Rusev just bailed. This was not a good way to treat a monster heel. This was not the best Rock segment of all time. Oh, and the announcers were so annoying here. Yeah, not the best segment of all time.
Even so, I should add, Rock was the most charismatic guy on the show. It’s not much of a contest.
AJ and Emma vs. Paige and Alicia Fox: The entire story was Emma was acting like a goof. Despite being on offense during the entire time, so AJ got mad and left, letting her get pinned by Paige immediately with the rampaige. Keep in mind AJ is allegedly a babyface. “Awesome match that was worth my time” I’d say if I was a pathological liar.
Another Wyatt family video aired, this time focusing on Erik Rowan. So both are still on the main roster, but it looks like they’re splitting up. Sounds fun on paper. But a lot of things in the WWE Universe sounds fun on paper, doesn’t it. That pesky execution just always gets in the way.
Shoutout to Bruno Sammartino on his 79th birthday.
Sheamus vs. The Miz: The highlight of this match was the crowd getting into Mizdow’s mannerisms outside of the ring. By the end of the match, he was way more over than the two guys wrestling in the ring. As for the actual match, well, it was a match, nothing more to it. Sheamus goes to brouge kick Miz but instead hits Sandow, which allows Miz to roll up the distracted Sheamus for the victory. This feud must continue.
Joan Lunden came out to talk about breast cancer and Susan G. Komen. She showed and acknowledged people in the crowd who fought and won the battle against the cancer. John Cena came out and hugged her after. This was nice, and the crowd was very respectful, thankfully.
John Cena vs. Seth Rollins, Randy Orton and Kane: It ended in a DQ. I typed this at 7:55, the same time the match started by the way. Oh, look, here’s the DQ, when Kane just ran in and gave Cena the big boot. Great way to make me excited about Raw main events, by having every single one end in the lamest disqualifications possible. The cherry on top was this was pretty much the same finish on Smackdown. It will also probably be the same finish on Smackdown tomorrow. Then Raw. Then Smackdown again. All probably involving the same five guys, too. AREN’T YOU GUYS EXCITED FOR UPCOMING WWE PROGRAMMING???!??!
Dean Ambrose then came out with a hot dog cart. Needless to say, this ended up in a messy brawl with all the heels getting doused in various condiments and getting laid out with AA’s…well, except Rollins, who fled.
The Authority then came out, not all smiles. They announced that at Hell in a Cell, John Cena and Dean Ambrose will face one another. The winner of that match will face Seth Rollins inside Hell in a Cell. The crowd went mild. Ambrose responded by giving Cena the double arm DDT to a huge pop. He poses to end Raw. I like the idea of this if Ambrose is the one facing Rollins at the end, but you know how these things usually work out.
This show was another tour de force on how to make absolutely nothing matter.