This was the most boring show of all time.

The show started out with the Authority, which of course did not help matters. After referring to quitters (we’re in Chicago, wink wink) they talk about the missing briefcase stolen by Dean Ambrose on Smackdown. Triple H and Stephanie say this won’t be tolerated. This brings out Paul Heyman. Heyman talked about how Seth Rollins interrupted the title match at Night of Champions and tried to cash in. He makes vague threats concerning Seth. Stephanie asks Paul to watch his words when Rollins comes out. Says that no one from the Authority told him to interfere in the match. He was trying to make the most of his opportunity by cashing in. He apologizes to Paul for what happened. Heyman accepts, but says that next time he’ll be dealing with Brock Lesnar, not him. Heyman tries to exit, but Triple H cuts him off and looks at him before saying it was a great talk. Ok.

Rollins goes on to complain about his briefcase that Dean Ambrose stole on Smackdown. Ambrose appeared on the screen and talked about how he gets sick just looking at the Authority. “If you want it so badly, come and get it” he says. They all go up to get it when Cena comes out and immediately jumps Seth who hightails it into the crowd and back to the Authority’s bosom. This was long. - WWE Raw September 29There’s more! In the back, Seth complained about what had just happened. Stephanie says this is just Dean Ambrose playing mind games. Triple H tells Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury to track down Ambrose. Noble says maybe we need sledgehammers. Triple H buries him and tells him to just get the job done.

Triple Threat Match for the Intercontinental Title: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. The Miz vs. Cesaro: Why? I dunno. Don’t ask questions anymore, there’s probably no answers. Turned out to be a pretty good match that people were into, which will not be the case later on. Funny how that happens. Cesaro takes out Miz with a huge uppercut and was about to pin him when Ziggler runs in, superkicks Cesaro and pins the fallen Miz.

Noble and Mercury continue their investigative exploits by just asking people around backstage where Dean Ambrose is at. The punchline was that Khali couldn’t hear Noble because he’s so tiny. Ha ha ha.

They are already going hardcore with the Susan G. Komen stuff despite it not even being October yet. It’s a good cause. That does not mean it needs to be shown and referred to relentlessly for three hours every week for the next month, reminding us constantly that Susan G. Komen and the WWE are partnering up. It’s great news. All I ask is to scale it down a tad, please. With that said, I hope they raise a lot of money that goes to breast cancer research and treatment for all the plugging they’re going to do for the next month.

A weird video with Luke Harper and Bray Wyatt was shown. Something about him being set free. Rowan was nowhere to be found.

Noble and Mercury talked to the Authority and said they couldn’t find Ambrose anywhere. While Noble was talking, Stephanie asked if he stopped by catering to eat or something. He denied it, but it was obvious there was mustard on his lip. She tells them to find him or they’re fired. This brings in the Miz, who says he wants a IC title rematch. You’ve only had two title rematches in the last two weeks dude. Mizdow expresses this for him, by the way. Yes, he’s a stunt promo guy now too. Triple H makes a match with him against Sheamus and tells Miz not to do this again or his straight to DVD career will be over.

Rosa Mendes vs. Layla: Because of course they let Rosa wrestle live on Raw in a singles match. Gotta promote this Total Divas shows that caters to a completely different audience, you see. Rosa’s offense and selling can be best described as comical. Most of the segment was centered around Tyson Kidd and Natalya, who were on the outside arguing. They showed clips of Total Divas in which Nattie was mad because TJ gave her an exercise machine for her birthday. I like how they show clips of Nattie calling him TJ repeatedly then after the clip Michael Cole has to explain how TYSON forgot Nattie’s birthday. Like, who cares if they use his shoot name, we’re using his real name too because let’s confuse people. Speaking of Tyson, he was on Raw for once and spent most of his time staring at his phone and putting his headphones on. JBL smartly buried him since this is his first time on Raw in months (minus the NXT match) and he’s standing there on his phone. I wonder what would happen if Angelo Dawkins from NXT ever gets called up and JBL sees this dude with the backpack and glasses on in the ring. I’m not even one of those people who gets upset over outfits and that one annoys the hell out of me. Oh right, the match. Layla won with a neckbreaker. Rosa was terrible. All this was awful because much like the audience, announcers and people at home, no one seemed to care.

Dean Ambrose came out and started to shill merch, ‘cause that’s where he was while the two Authority dudes were looking for him. Noble and Mercury arrive. Ambrose mocked them, saying oh no, they sent the cruiserweight division out to get me. HEY. Mercury wasn’t a cruiserweight. He says if they want him, come and get him. They backed off. This brings out Rollins. Ambrose says go ahead, the briefcase is yours. He exits the ring and goes into the crowd. Cautiously, Rollins opens it…and gets slimed, as if he were on a Nickelodeon show in the 1990s. Sort of. I didn’t think you could do that on television anymore (shout out to whoever gets that one). They spent a long time showing Seth Rollins getting mad over the incident. This made me think of the good ‘ol days of Nickelodeon.

Rollins is backstage complaining about the slime while Orton and Kane laugh over the incident. Triple H tells him to get his eyes cleared out by medical. Triple H then proceeds to make a riveting match between Kane/Orton and Ambrose/Cena. How tremendously boring you have to make the same matches over and over because no one else is over enough to headline. Orton and Kane complained about fighting Seth’s battles. All of a sudden, the briefcase started to vibrate. Everyone looked to their phones, confused. Rollins came back and grabbed the suitcase, saying it was an electric razor. I guess we’re supposed to assume it was a dildo or something equally funny. This is why WWE got the TV deal they got this year.

Bo Dallas vs. Mark Henry: Bo Dallas cut a promo saying Mark should close down the Hall of Pain and bolieve. Right. Henry dominated the match until he missed a vader bomb and crashed, allowing Bo to pick up Henry and deliver the bodog for the win. Announcers were shocked by this despite Bo being on a winning streak recently. Losing streaks have always worked in the WWE.

After the commercial break, Bo Dallas was celebrating when Mark Henry jumped him and repeatedly drove a crate into him. Was this supposed to be a double turn? Probably not, doesn’t matter.

Goofy Star and Gold Dust promo time, though this one was more to the point. They found the cosmic key in the WWE tag team titles. They destroyed their goofy promo desk as Goldust said this was all science fiction. Stardust said these titles are science fact. I’m not sure if that’s how it works, but ok.

Brie Bella and her awful music was out for a match when Nikki arrived. Whined about Daniel Bryan, troll faces and Brie until getting to the point. Since she had to wrestle in handicap matches and Brie didn’t help her, she’ll do the same thing now.

Brie Bella vs. CAMERON AND EVA MARIE: Yes. Though they’re a lot better than Rosa Mendes at this point. Fans chanted “We Want AJ” was this match occurred. They then chanted for JBL. Cameron was pushed into Eva Marie who then botched a rollup for the win. Fans chanted Yes after. I wonder if they’re really building up to a hell in a cell match between these two. Yes, that’s the rumor. Seriously. I’m not lying.

Slater Gator vs. Los Matadores: The Bunny and Adam Rose were at ringside on commentary. Jesse Jackson was in the crowd. Yes, the one who worked with Martin Luther King. Hornswoggle is now Slator Gator’s mascot as he was in a gator suit. Whoopee. Slater gets the win after cutting off one of the Matadors on the top rope. Rose called this a cheap win. Trust me, this is not the cheapest win I’ve seen on WWE TV in recent weeks. O’Neil laid out Torito and Hornswoggle did the gator roll. This is why WWE got the TV deal they got earlier this year. The Matadores laid out the heels, then the bunny did a big splash off the top rope onto Slater, I think. The bunny celebrated with Jesse Jackson after. You would think I’m kidding, but nope, that happened. On the one hand, I don’t have a problem with this, but on the other it’s another feud that’s going to go nowhere and just run its course ad nausem because it’s what WWE does.

Bo Dallas vs. Mark Henry in a REMATCH is tomorrow. These aren’t even funny to pick on anymore.

Rusev and Lana came out for their deal. They talked about how Big Show punched him on Smackdown. Lana says he attacked him from behind like a coward. Big Show came out, did some comedy, then showed a video in which Rusev attacked Big Show with a flag for the DQ (yes, a main event DQ again) but Big Show countering with a punch. Rusev threatens to punch him and rip his guts out. Big Show comes to the ring after doing a pretty dumb Big Lebowski quote and scares off Lana and Rusev. He then grabs the large flag that is in every one of their promos and rips it down for a big pop. Rusev runs in again but is quickly taken out. This is feud I couldn’t care less to see.

John Cena promo. Talks about wanting Seth Rollins when Ambrose comes in. Cena asks if he has something to say. Ambrose says yeah, after tonight Rollins is mine. Cena says if Rollins comes near him, he’s taking him out. Ambrose says look, no one takes food off my plate, including you. That was a weird line.

AJ vs. Alicia Fox: Paige comes out for a promo, because after six months this feud is still continuing. At least, it’s felt like six months. She introduces her new friend, Alicia Fox. Because you see, all of them are crazy because there’s three types of divas on the roster: the crazy ones, the ones who are on Total Divas, and background characters. The latter two are kind of the same at this point since none of them get promo time anyways except the Bellas. Paige distracts AJ allowing Alicia to win after the scissors kick. Alicia and Paige jump her after, with Paige laying her out with the rampaige. “Exciting!” I would say if I had a lobotomy.

The same Luke Harper promo from earlier aired. Maybe something interesting will come out of this. Probably not.

Sheamus vs. Damien Mizdow: They had a somewhat long match, with Mizdow getting some heat on Sheamus at one point. But it fails as there’s a scuffle on the outside with Miz, Sheamus and Mizdow that allows Sheamus to hit the brogue kick on Mizdow for the win. Did anyone else notice that they switched the two midcard title feuds around? It’s now Miz/Sheamus and Cesaro/Ziggler. Man WWE, way to be completely not obvious that you’re in one of the most boring pattern holding creative slumps of all time.

Hulk Hogan came out and promoted the Susan G. Komen foundation. No, that was the entire segment. See what I said earlier about this. I’ll just say it’s all very nice. For now.

Kane and Orton were still mad about having this match. I am too. Stephanie came up to them and told them to man up. People have been saying they’re going soft. Kane asks if it’s they who say this, or you. Stephanie says “Does it matter?” and walks off. Yawn. I guess this is building tension between Kane and Orton against the Authority. That all sounds fine, but the problem is KANE AND RANDY ORTON are building tension against THE AUTHORITY.

They plugged the Monday Night War docuseries. Cole said it was “critically acclaimed”. Uh huh. It’s your usual WWE fare, telling the same stories about the attitude era according to the WWE Universe in which Ted Turner was evil and wanted to destroy the WWE because he was an evil head of a conglomerate who took WWF off TBS for no reason other than WWF’s ratings were in the toilet because their brand of wrestling sucked in this market compared to Georgia or Jim Crockett Promotions. I like how they repeatedly show the one interview in which Ted Turner talked about wrestling over and over again in each episode. I wonder which critics gave acclaim to this. But I guess at this point, as long as you say it’s critically acclaimed and no one calls you out on it, it doesn’t matter.

Roman Reigns will give an update on his health next week. Rusev vs. Big Show has been signed for next week as well. “Man, this made me look forward to watching Raw!” I said in a parallel universe writing the same review.

John Cena and Dean Ambrose vs. Kane and Randy Orton: Doesn’t matter, Rollins ran in for the DQ. The three heels laid waste to both John Cena and Dean Ambrose after, laying them both out with curb stomps on the briefcase. The three heels stood tall to close out Raw.

Final Thoughts:

Ambrose stuff was neat. Beyond that, I don’t even have the words to express how boring this show was. WWE continues to amaze me with the way they make things not matter. It’s an artform at this point. Their lazy, uninspired writing has never been more apparent. Ever. This wasn’t even a bad show. It was just..boring. There was no point to this. It might be a good 90 minute show. Stretch it out to three and…I mean, how do people get away with creating a television show where nothing happens for 2 1/2 out of 3 hours? It’s simply amazing. And there’s more to come, unfortunately. WWE is as stagnant as ever and I’m continually finding myself running out of reasons to even recap this anymore. I’m gonna ask the guys if I can recap Nitro or something instead. Those were such fun days. People cut promos on one another and nothing came off as scripted or convoluted. I miss those days.

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