This is a guest post from Kevin Marshall. ​Kevin knows what he’s talking about because he’s been a writer for WWE and has watched not one but TWO full Lou Thesz matches on youtube(!!!). He’s a comedian and professional writer who in addition to WWE has produced content for UFC.com, Spike TV, and others. You can follow him on twitter @KevinMarshall. 

Who is the best at pretending to be the best?

To the outside world, the conversations we’re having this week about the Wrestling Observer Newsletter Hall of Fame must seem ludicrous. There’s that old adage that if you get it, no explanation is necessary, and if you don’t, then none will do. So there’s no point in even pretending our discussion regarding who “deserves” this “honor” isn’t sort of stupid, right?

WRONG! This shit is important, okay?!  Have you ever sat down and realized how much time and energy fans of professional wrestling have invested in it? Even if RAW is the only wrestling program someone watches on a regular basis, that means over the course of a single year they have devoted SIX AND A HALF DAYS to this crap. And that’s not even counting the overrun! Then you consider the sacrifices the men and women involved in this industry make to give us a few hours of stupid entertainment each week. They deserve some recognition, especially since if we really cared about them at all we’d beg them not do to this for a living.

But we are a selfish bunch, so instead we give them the consolation prize of having their name printed on a dirt sheet. Unfortunately, in addition to being selfish, we’re also arrogant and assume we know it all, which opens the door for totally undeserving candidates to be voted in at the expense of other, far more worthy candidates. Thankfully, Dave Meltzer has addressed this (somewhat) by breaking the nominees up into categories. So if only a small portion of the WON Hall of Fame electorates casts votes in a specific category, a candidate can still get in as long as they get 60% of the votes cast in that category. In short, not voting in a category doesn’t have an adverse effect on those candidates, and voters aren’t put in the precarious position of having to pretend they have any goddamn clue who drew big houses in New Zealand or that they ever gave a crap about Big Daddy.

Let’s take a look at these categories and why, in some cases, you might be better off abstaining.

HISTORICAL PERFORMERS ERA

CANDIDATES: Gene & Ole Anderson, The Assassins (Joe Hamilton & Tom Renesto), Red Bastien, June Byers, Pepper Gomez, Dick Hutton, Pedro Morales, Ciclon Negro, Kinji Shibuya, Wilbur Snyder, John Tolos, Enrique Torres, Von Brauners & Saul Weingeroff, Tim “Mr. Wrestling” Woods, Johnny “Mr. Wrestling II” Walker

WHY YOU SHOULD ABSTAIN:

  • You’ve never been legally allowed to smoke a cigar indoors at a live wrestling event
  • The only thing you know about any these guys is what you’ve heard Dave and maybe Karl Stern say about them on podcasts
  • You think Pedro Morales is the only no-brainer out of the bunch because you’ve been brainwashed by WWE
  • You’re offended that Dave called that guy a Negro and launch a social media campaign against the “Racist Observer”

MODERN PERFORMERS IN U.S./CANADA

CANDIDATES: Junkyard Dog, Edge, Owen Hart, Curt Hennig, Ivan Koloff, Brock Lesnar, Fabulous Moolah, Dick Murdoch, Ken Patera, C.M. Punk, Rock & Roll Express (Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson), Sgt. Slaughter, Jimmy Snuka, Sting, Ultimate Warrior

WHY YOU SHOULD ABSTAIN:

  • The only guys you vote for in this category wore face paint
  • You think Junkyard Dog deserves to go in because of “Grab Them Cakes”
  • There are at least five people in this categry you didn’t know were dead
  • You’re on the fence about Ken Patera until you remember how much you loved “The Glory of Love” from “The Karate Kid”

JAPAN

CANDIDATES: Jun Akiyama, George Gordienko, Gran Hamada, Volk Han, Masahiko Kimura, Satoshi Kojima & Hiroyoshi Tenzan, Yuji Nagata, Seiji Sakaguchi, Mike & Ben Sharpe, Minoru Suzuki, Kiyoshi Tamura, Akira Taue

WHY YOU SHOULD ABSTAIN:

  • You asked Ustream for a refund because you ordered a New Japan iPPV and not one guy blew mist in anyone’s face
  • You think it’s stupid how Japanese wrestlers name themselves after wrestling moves
  • You’re convinced Volk Han is the guy that showed up in the WWF as the evil environmentalist that said America literally stunk
  • You sent Dave an email letting him know he spelled “Grand” wrong

MEXICO

CANDIDATES: Brazo de Oro & Brazo de Plata & El Brazo, Cien Caras, Hector Garza, Ultimo Guerrero, Karloff Lagarde, Blue Panther, L.A. Park, Huracan Ramirez, El Signo & El Texano & Negro Navarro, Vampiro, Villano III, Dr. Wagner Jr.

WHY YOU SHOULD ABSTAIN:

  • After selecting El Signo & El Exano & Negro Navarro, you freak out because you only have seven slots left
  • You’re kind of pissed that Super Calo was left off the ballot
  • You pronounce it “Villain-o the third”
  • “Ohhhh, you mean SUPER PORKY! Why didn’t you just say so?!”

EUROPE

CANDIDATES: Jim Breaks, Big Daddy, Giant Haystacks, Horst Hoffman, Billy Joyce, Kendo Nagasaki, Jackie Pallo, Rollerball Mark Rocco, Johnny Saint, Otto Wanz

WHY YOU SHOULD ABSTAIN:

  • You think “World of Sport” is a typo
  • You’re convinced Kendo Nagasaki appeared regularly on WCW Saturday Night
  • You think an “escapologist” is someone who studies plants or something
  • You assume the only reason Rollerball Rocco is on the ballot is because of Dave’s strange fixation on 1970s-era roller derby

AUSTRALIA/PACIFIC ISLANDS/CARIBBEAN/AFRICA

CANDIDATES: Spyros Arion, Johnny Barend, Brute Bernard & Skull Murphy, Carlos Colon, King Kong Czaja, John DaSilva, Domenic DeNucci, Killer Karl Kox, Mark Lewin, Mario Milano, Jan Wilkens

WHY YOU SHOULD ABSTAIN:

  • You vote for Killer Karl Kox because you assume his name is a prank that 4chan is playing on Dave
  • You have no earthly idea if Jan Wilkens was a man or a woman
  • You see “Australia/Pacific Islands/Caribbean/Africa” and say “makes sense since they’re all neighbors”
  • You cast a vote for Brute Bernard because it’s the best name ever (which admittedly it is)

NON-WRESTLERS

CANDIDATES: Bill Apter, Dave Brown, Jim Crockett Jr., Jim Crockett Sr., Gary Hart, Jimmy Hart, Howard Finkel, Jerry Jarrett, Larry Matysik, Gorilla Monsoon, Gene Okerlund, Don Owen, George Scott, Jesse Ventura, Stanley Weston

WHY YOU SHOULD ABSTAIN:

  • You always assumed Jimmy Hart was Bret Hart’s Uncle, and that Gary Hart must be his cousin or whatever.
  • “Apter Mags” sounds to you like something you’d find hidden in the woods.
  • You think George Scott deserves to get in just for cutting awesome promos like he did in “Patton.”
  • You think there is anyone in this category that doesn’t deserve to get in.

So, friends, when it comes time to cast your ballot, remember the immortal words Mark Twain: it’s better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to vote for Volk Han and remove all doubt.

Then again, who’d Mark Twain ever beat?

This is a guest post from Kevin Marshall. ​Kevin knows what he’s talking about because he’s been a writer for WWE and has watched not one but TWO full Lou Thesz matches on youtube(!!!). He’s a comedian and professional writer who in addition to WWE has produced content for UFC.com, Spike TV, and others. You can follow him on twitter @KevinMarshall.