This week, my time is very precious. Raw is three hours. From what I have read in my Twitter timeline, I am not spending three hours watching this program. It’s literally a bunch of rematches from stuff we saw last night or on recent WWE programing. I am fast forwarding through all of these long matches, sorry. I know this is an optional report for me to do. No one’s forcing me to write this. And most weeks, even when it’s terrible, I enjoy at least the writing aspect of watching a bad Raw. But this doesn’t even seem to be bad. Just boring. So utterly boring. And in a week where my time is precious to me, I am not going to waste it watching Jack Swagger vs. Bo Dallas and JOHN CENA VS RANDY ORTON FOR THE TEN GOD DAMN BILLIONTH TIME. Maybe other weeks, sure. But I got things to do, places to see that very easily trumps an uninspired three hour edition of Raw. So if this upsets you, please let me know if this is a problem. I’m very interested in hearing it.
Dean Ambrose comes to the ring to start off Raw. He shows a clip of what happened last month when Rollins laid him out with the cinder blocks on the outside. He says he won’t leave here until he faces Rollins in a match. He takes a chair and sits down, only for John Cena’s music to hit. Ambrose warned him not to give a reason to not like him. Cena says he wants Rollins too. Ambrose and Cena looked like they were getting ready to fight when The Authority came out. Triple H says you shouldn’t be complaining about something you can’t control. Ambrose and Cena exit the ring and start attacking Kane, Rollins and Orton, with their prime target being Rollins. They end up brawling backstage as Rollins flees from them, jumping someone who was preparing to leave and leaves the area with their car. I thought stealing cars was illegal.
After commercial, Stephanie and Hunter made ORTON VS CENA and Ambrose vs. Kane. Two very original matches, you see. Kane asked why they had to fight them. Stephanie says because Rollins isn’t here and they most likely want retribution. Orton tells The Authority to tell Rollins to not start fires he can’t put out on his own.
The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler for the Prestigious Intercontinental Championship: Seen it. Cole, on commentary, kept saying how Miz said this and Miz said that earlier today. You know what would be great? If Miz actually said it in front of people. Verbalizing for the wrestlers did not use to be the announcer’s job back in the day. They had a perfectly alright match. Miz rolled up Ziggler like he did last night, but Ziggler reverses it and wins the title back. Why would you switch this title 4 times in two months? What purpose does it serve than kill whatever credibility this title had left?
Bo Dallas vs. Jack Swagger: Seen it. Swagger won with the ankle lock. After the match, Coulter said why do you look so dejected. All Jack Swagger did was bolieve. It’s ok Bo, there’s always part 4.
Natalya vs. Summer Rae: They showed the clip of Nattie and Summer fighting in the middle of nowhere on Total Divas. Summer, who was a face last time I saw her on TV, cut a heel promo saying summer might be over for every one of you, but for me and my gal Layla summertime is all year long. Nice character development here. “YOU PULLED ME OUT THE CAR NATTIE” Summer screamed as she applied a leg scissors submission hold. Layla distracts Natalya allowing Summer to roll her up, but Natalya transitions it into a sharpshooter for the submission. Rosa, who accompanied Nattie, took care of Layla as she got the sharpshooter in and in fact did not botch that. Yay! They celebrated after. This was a million times better than more recent 2 minute divas matches.
Kane vs. Dean Ambrose: Seen it. Oh you bet I fast forwarded through this. And it’s certainly not because of Ambrose. Hey, guess what. Ambrose was finishing up Kane when Rollins ran in for the DQ. So good thing I didn’t watch this live. Ambrose jumped both of them after, but Kane lays him out with a chokeslam. Seth tries to taunt Ambrose, but he was already up and smiling at Rollins as we go to commercial.
Back from it. Kane and Rollins were talking to Triple H when Ambrose came back. This time, security came in and grabbed Ambrose. Triple H says to kick him out, but Stephanie says no, put him in that storage room. The security in fact did just that. I thought false imprisonment was illegal.
Sheamus and the Usos vs. Cesaro and Stardust and Goldust: Seen it. They had a really long match that I was fast forwarding to until Sheamus and Cesaro started grappling. Then I pressed play because these two have great chemistry. One of the Usos eventually got the win over Goldust after a splash. This leads to, yes, a title rematch on Smackdown. Pretty good, but it’s been done.
Randy Orton was working out in the back when Rollins appeared. This is not about Orton fighting his battles for him, he says, he wants to make this clear. In fact, he and Kane will be in his corner tonight. And there will be a surprise at ringside. Orton says he likes surprises. On a three hour show where everything’s a rematch from somewhere, I like them too.
They showed footage of WWE 2K15. The models do look a lot better. Actual leaked gameplay footage has been out for months, though, and it showed that the reversal system is back, so I’m less than interested in this.
Mark Henry came to the ring, looking dejected. He said he was sorry about what happened last night, he let everyone down. The fans what’d him, which I think wasn’t very nice in this situation. Henry is one of those who doesn’t come off like he’s reading from a script so this comes off as genuine, which is nice. Them shitting on his promo is just kind of callous. Lana and Rusev come out. After telling everyone to shut up, Lana asks the crowd if they want Mark Henry to fail again. Henry says if these people want him to destroy Rusev tonight, then let’s do it.
Mark Henry vs. Rusev: Seen it. In fact, I think the first half of this match was the exact same match from last night, including working on Henry’s back. Rusev eventually wins with the accolade, but this time Henry passed out. I’m not sure what you’d do with him here if he’s just lost twice in the last 24 hours.
Adam Rose and The Bunny vs. SlatorGator: Most of the match was built towards a hot tag to the bunny. When Rose finally got it, the bunny ran wild, doing a great fiery comeback that the dead crowd was only kinda interested in. The bunny takes down Slater on the outside with a senton as Rose pinned Titus with the party foul. For a comedy match this was AWESOME.
This brings a question. Are they really going to debut Sami Zayn as a bunny? Is this all they have as far as an idea to bring him up?
Nikki Bella made her way to the ring for a promo. Oh no. Talks about Brie Bella’s bad promo from last night. Nikki said those “toxic, horrible words” cost her the match. She calls out Brie. Oh man, what the hell is this autotune mess of a theme song. They proceeded to ACT. Nikki whines. It’s always been about you, not the Bella Twins. Brie says she’s tired of this. Nikki calls her an embarrassment. You don’t deserve to be called Bella. You deserve to be called Nikki Bella’s trashy sister. Or a quitter. She wants the EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO THE BELLA NAME. For now own, she wants to be known as The Nikki Bella. This has so many parallels to when Booker T and Stevie Ray fought over the rights to the Harlem Heat name. And the letter T. I don’t know which angle is worse at the moment. At least back then that one time Booker came out to a Leave it to Beaver ripoff song was funny. Nikki asks why don’t you take your husband’s name. Oh right, he’s an ugly troll, that’s why. Brie slapped her and was about to put her in the Yes lock when Nikki bails. AJ then skips her way to the ring for a match. I don’t need to see these two do promos anymore. Or ever.
Nikki Bella vs. AJ: Seen it. Paige was on commentary and announced she and AJ were no longer frenemies, just enemies. Oh no. I’m pretty sure they did all their spots from last night. AJ won with the black widow. All of these stupid feuds are continuing.
Triple H wants to make sure Ambrose is locked up. A security guy holds the key, so he’s trapped. OR IS HE?
JOHN FELIX ANTHONY CENA VERSUS RANDALL KEITH ORTON: Seen it. If you think I’m going to watch them have a long, plodding fifteen minute match, I’m insulted. You’ve seen this match. You’ve seen this finish, even on tonight’s very own show as Kane and Seth Rollins, of course, just ran in for the DQ. Negative five star finish. They need to drop these DQ main event finsihes fast, especially if they go for such a long time.
They all beat up on Cena as they go towards what appears to be the cement block spot, like from last month. They uncover the box to in fact reveal Ambrose under the box. Yes, he is Houdini. He attacks then for a while, including a big crossbody off the announce table until Kane grabs him for a chokeslam. Cena jumps Kane and they lay everyone out with finishers to close off Raw.
Fast forwarding through most of the long matches, this was fine. I liked the bunny’s comeback and also like the focus on Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose, since they’re new guys who aren’t getting the midcard treatment push. Everything else on this show…hmm…there’s two words here I can use, but I’ve seemed to have forgotten them. Oh well!