Yeah, so I didn’t do a report last week. Why? Look at last week’s show. It was two 1/2 hours of boring, tedious booking that I didn’t feel was worth my time. Also I think Rich and Joe weren’t going to post it even if I did do one, they were so upset with last week’s show (Editor’s Note: I’ll post anything if it gets hits!) With that said, I probably won’t be skipping Raw again anytime soon, no matter how bad it becomes. I felt bad enough about doing it last week so I won’t do it again. But to say my interest level in Night of Champions is nil right now, that would be an understatement.
Raw started with the Highlight Reel. JBL instantly started to bury the segment which fucking annoyed me to no end. He introduced Randy Orton, but instead THE AUTHORITY came out. The stable, I guess it can be referred to as. Jericho buried them. Triple H says he’d love to exchange witty banter with him, but tonight he’s going to make this the most historic Highlight Reel ever. He has been reviewing the footage from SummerSlam and determined that they might need a new number one contender for the WWE title. Kane, Orton, and Rollins all said they wanted the shot. Rollins actually got a big reaction since he’s from Iowa. Jericho makes his case, which leads to John Cena coming out the usual mixed (CONTROVERSIAL) reaction.
John Cena says no matter how many times you’ve talked to Shawn or Ric or see the footage he’s confident he’ll pick up the victory. He’s ready to sue if Triple H takes this away from him. Triple H says this is what he’s trying to protect against. He knows what his job is, and he knows what he’s trying to do is best for business. He realizes Cena’s career ending might not be best for business, even if he doesn’t want him as champion. Orton and Rollins make their cases again. Jericho interjects Orton, saying wait, didn’t you lose a bunch of rematches after Wrestlemania? And didn’t you lose to Roman Reigns at SummerSlam? Orton says it doesn’t matter, he’ll take him out where he stands.
This brings out Roman Reigns. He says come on Orton, take me out. Orton hesitates. Reigns assumed he was all talk. He says if this is about the WWE title, then he’s putting his name in. Triple H says fine, we’ll have a six man tonight to see where everyone stands. Triple H will be sitting at ringside, watching. This was a lot of talking.
BIG SHOW AND MARK HENRY VS LUKE HARPER AND ERIK ROWAN TONIGHT FOR THE FOURTH TIME IN NOT EVEN TWO WEEKS.
Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz and Cesaro: Damien Sandow is seconding Miz so I guess he’s associated with him now, as well as a makeup lady. Cesaro dominates Sheamus as Miz goes to the outside and GETS MAKEUP DONE. I’m liking this gimmick more and more. Ziggler gets tagged in to a huge ovation and runs wild. Then came the dumb finish. Damien Sandow ran in as Miz’s double to DISTRACT. Ziggler gets DISTRACTED. Miz runs in and hits his finish to pin Ziggler. Dumb.
They showed the Brie/Nikki angle from last week. It looked horrible.
Speaking of, the first of what seems like unfortunately many Growing Up Bella vignettes aired. Nikki cried about Brie stealing her prom date. This is supposed to get you interested in a feud. I never told anyone this until now.
Naomi, Layla and Summer Rae vs. Cameron, Rosa Mendes and Eva Marie: I’m looking forward to season three of Total Divas, which was the point of this entire two minute segment. Not being snotty here as they do fake reality better than WWE at this point. Check out the rather intriguing trailer on Youtube. Became a clusterfuck that the referee threw out in about a minute. Faces cleared out the heels. Went about as long as it should have.
Big Show and Mark Henry vs. The Wyatts: They were really pushing that this is over 1,400 pounds of humanity. Why didn’t they push this the last three times they did this match in the last two weeks? Am I supposed to suddenly care about this match because it’s being hammered home they’re all big guys? No, that’s not how people’s minds work. At least, I hope that isn’t. They were having their usual match when, three guesses — Rusev came out to interfere. He superkicked Henry as they were going to the finish in a completely original concept. So Big Show/Mark Henry get their fourth or fifth straight win against the Wyatts. This accomplished nothing.
Growing Up Bella. Nikki cried about how she got her license at 16 and Brie didn’t. One night Nikki stole her car and crashed it, then impersonated her by giving the cop her license. This is supposed to get you interested in a feud. I never told anyone this until now.
Some football guy is being invited to Raw next Monday. You’re supposed to care. (Editor’s Note: It’s actually Michael Sam, the first openly gay played drafted into the NFL, he was recently cut by the St. Louis Rams and has about a 0.000001% chance of actually showing up)
Paul Heyman arrived. His client has authorized him to talk to the audience about Cena. Goes over what happened at SummerSlam. Triple H sees Cena as a cash cow, but at Night of Champions that cow will be milked. He’s unimpressed with that six man tonight. You can put that entire locker room in the ring and multiply it by infinity but at the end of the day, Lesnar is unstoppable. Pretty basic but it was fine.
Jack Swagger vs. Curtis Axel: I’m convinced the Dust brothers turned heel only because Ryback is out injured, so the Usos and Stardust and Goldust can have 36,346 matches against one another instead of Rybaxel. Again, there’s the proof you need the WWE talent pool is as shallow as ever. Zeb Coulter was back, but cut zero promos, so I’m not sure why they brought him back at this very moment if they weren’t going to have him talk. HEY, GUESS WHAT? Bo Dallas comes out to DISTRACT. Actually he just set up for his own promo. Swagger won clean with the ankle lock. Who would have thought.
Bo went through various peoples whose lives are now RUINED by Jack Swagger. One guy bet his salary on Swagger winning and then went double or nothing in the rematches. Sounds like a guy who should never be gambling, ever. Another guy was so upset by his loss that he failed his citizenship test and is now being set back to Italy. And now a mom’s son’s favorite person ever is now Vladimir Putin because Jack Swagger lost at SummerSlam. Bo ripped off Swagger’s motto and did his own to end the segment. Easily the best thing on Raw so far. Which is not saying much AT ALL.
Adam Rose vs. Titus O’Neil: Remember when Adam Rose was a guy everyone liked and thought had potential? Shows you the WWE environment nowadays where guys can be cultivated in NXT just to be chopped down on the main roster. “I could be watching Nitro at home” sign. Boy is that a factual statement. The bunny was out there and he and Slater (who is one half of SLATER GATOR) confronted one another. Slater pushed the bunny. The bunny got up and JUMPED HIM. This DISTRACTED Titus allowing Rose to win with the rollup. The bunny and Rose then jumped the heels after. Compelling television.
Growing Up Bella. Nikki cried about how she had to take Brie’s finals so she could graduate from high school. This is supposed to get you interested in their feud. I never told anyone this until now. Easily heading towards the worst feud of the year, if it hasn’t already taken the crown with last week’s segment.
Rusev vs. Zack Ryder: I knew who it was before Lana’s promo about how Americans are lazy and fat. You know how this ended.
Mark Henry came out to confront Rusev after. Rusev retreated. Mark Henry said what are you scared about. He’s the strongest man in the strongest country. Just because you are undefeated, you think you’re invincible? He just opened the international wing of the hall of pain, and he’s the first inductee. HECK YES.
Triple H and Stephanie were talking. Basically the gist of it was Stephanie has an announcement for Nikki.
Stephanie makes her way to the ring. She introduces Nikki, who came out to zero reaction. Nikki says thanks for letting me get some things off my chest. Stephanie says no problem, since you’re the face of the diva’s division you’ll be getting a diva’s title match. Brie comes out. She asks if this is all this was for, a divas title match? AJ comes out. Says she’s the number one contender since she hasn’t gotten a rematch yet. Paige comes out, saying you can’t be discussing title matters without her. Nikki says all will be forgiven if Brie quits again, because if she did it for Daniel Bryan she could do it for her own flesh and blood. Brie goes to leave, but then shoves down Nikki (and Paige in the process) and leaves. AJ grabs the title and skips around, but Stephanie stops her and asks her to give her the title. Like a meek, neutered babyface, she does and leaves. Wow. Are you that vain that you need to neuter and belittle every act that gets over ever in this company for your own heat? Then Stephanie gives the title to Paige and leaves. This came off as a mess of a segment. I THINK the general idea is it’ll be a fatal four way for the title at Night of Champions. But that doesn’t make sense because they’re putting two separate feuds and combining them into one. Plus, it was never established where this was going.
You’re supposed to be interested in a MizTV segment between Ziggler and Miz tomorrow for Main Event.
Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt in a cage next week because I don’t know. NFL starts next week, actually, so I guess that’s way. After watching this show I might just tune into that instead. Conveniently, Bray Wyatt suddenly comes on for a promo pertaining to the cage match that was announced seconds prior. Tells him to run. Someone’s star has fallen.
Goldust vs. Jimmy Uso: Goldust tried to apologize, again, but this time the Usos don’t buy it and they jump the brothers. Goldust wins kinda quickly with the final cut. Pretty sure this had a DISTRACTION finish since every other match had one. Jey Uso, who has a knee injury, gets jumped after the bell and get laid out. This probably would have been better if people cared.
Mark Henry and Big Show are seen talking. Mark Henry said I need to take care of Rusev. Big Show says I know you want to take care of Rusev, but we can be the most dominating team in the WWE. Henry says yeah, but he wants to do this for his country. Big Show says ok, but he’ll be in his corner. Mark Henry says no, he’ll do this on his own. Big Show says fine, but put him in the hall of pain.
The real stars of the show, Stephanie and Triple H, who always solve their problems pretty easily, always has the sharp reply and generally are just the coolest and smartest people on planet Earth, come out settle down for the main event.
Paige vs. Brie Bella is the promoted Smackdown match for Friday. Think about that.
Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns is the next rematch to take place next week on Raw as well.
John Cena, Roman Reigns and Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton, Corporate Kane and Seth Rollins: Funny how everyone here got entrances, right? They had a really long match that went two commercial breaks. Cena eventually did another comeback and laid out Kane, then tagged in Roman Reigns who got the win with the spear. That was weird. Wouldn’t Cena want to score the win to prove he was ready for Lesnar? Why would he just tag in Roman and let him get the win? Maybe he was just being nice, I dunno.
Cena confronts The Authority after the match. Rollins jumps him, but is quickly laid out, of course. The faces celebrate to end Raw.
A bad, bad show. 1999 Nitro levels of terrible. Uninspired to the max. The terrible crap they’re doing in an attempt to garner interest is failing on all levels. The fall slump has begun, all we can do now is ride it out and hope it’s not as bad as it was in 2011 or last year. That isn’t how you’re supposed to treat fans who enjoy wrestling, but it’s WWE. They’re in their own weird Orwellian universe where they think they’re writing compelling television, and they think they know what you want when they’re doing the exact opposite. Things need to change.
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