Just because we skipped a week to focus on G1 coverage doesn’t mean we’re skipping a single second of action from the least watched and most insignificant program in the WWE Universe. We’re back this week with another DOUBLE BONUS EDITION of the Voices of Wrestling Superstars review.
Naomi Cameron vs Emma – I never know which Funkadactyl girl is which. And no, before all of you social justice bullies start tweeting away at how racist I am, it’s not because “they all look alike”. In fact, they look nothing alike. I can just never get the names straight, so I usually just stick with “the one with the enormous ass”, and ” the Melina vs Alicia Fox girl”. I have this problem with many tag teams. I still have no idea which Uso is which, and i’m flat out amazed that other people are able to tell the difference. Back in the day when I was writing ROH reviews, The Briscoes were referred to as “Mark (or Jay?)” & “Jay (or Mark?). Despite the fact I’ve probably watched them wrestle a hundred times and reviewed dozens of matches, I still have to Google every. single. time. I do a write up of a Young Bucks match to make sure i’m properly identifying them. Don’t even get me started on The Fantastics, who at various points used different combinations of two Fulton brothers and Tommy Rogers. Anyway, the Melina vs Alicia Fox Girl won a very nondescript match, but hey, the good news for Emma in her post Walmart heist days is that jobbing in two minutes on Superstars is better than not being on TV at all. *
RAW crap, but nobody has time for that shit, because TITUS is next.
2. Sheamus vs Titus O’Neil – SLATER, coming off of his big win over Seth Rollins on RAW, was looking to give some advice to GATOR in the locker room before the match, but GATOR wanted none of it. SLATER GATOR is great, no matter what that “i’m too good for Superstars & Main Event” elitist Rich Kraetsch thinks. This matchup had me hyped for some hard hitting HOSS action, and it didn’t disappoint. For some reason, while these men were mauling each other, Tom Phillips started going on about Jack Swagger, Rusev, and the flag match at SummerSlam. Before he could finish his thought, they went to commercial. When they came back, he never finished his thought. Why he was talking about this to begin with was a mystery. Sheamus did a one count kick out, causing a mass melt down at Pro Wrestling Only. They had a slap fight, proving these men were following G1. Titus invented a new move, where he picks his opponent up and then repeatedly drops him onto the top rope on his ribs. Titus then scooped up Sheamus for what appeared to be a fall away slam attempt, but Sheamus slipped out and hit the Brogue Kick for the win. This was an excellent match, with some hard hitting action, and with Titus controlling most of the bout, it played into his Superstars gimmick of dominating, coming up short, and claiming the opponent got lucky. This is worth seeking out if you don’t normally watch this show. ***
Beat the Clock highlights from RAW. Beat the Clock is awful, and an instant cue to hit delete on the DVR when it shows up on RAW. There has never been a good Beat the Clock RAW, ever. This is fact. Let’s just move on to the next episode.
1. Emma vs Alicia Fox – Again, I view Emma’s weekly appearances on Superstars as a positive. The last place you want to find yourself while the company is making cut after cut is not on TV at all. Emma took two wicked bumps on the outside, one that led to a bloody elbow, and a second that may have injured her left shoulder. This was at least twice as good as the crappy Cameron match from the week before, but that makes sense since Alicia Fox is twice as good as her. Emma won it with the Emma Lock. **1/4
Seth Rollins vs Rob Van Dam airs from RAW. Rollins will take on Dean Ambrose in a LUMBERJACK MATCH at SummerSlam. Yes, a Lumberjack Match. No, this isn’t 1986. When we asked our Twitter followers to give some examples of great lumberjack matches, about the only one people could come up with was the Hiroshi Tanahashi vs Prince Devitt bout from Korakuen Hall last year. Is the lumberjack match the worst match stip in wrestling? Aside from stacked odds RAW main events, I think it might be.
2. Adam Rose vs Fandango – Adam Rose was coming off his best WWE match as Adam Rose to date, a tag bout on NXT with Sami Zayn against Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel. And he held up his quarter of that match just fine, so it wasn’t just a matter of being in the ring with three pretty awesome workers. The momentum didn’t really carry over here, as this was a pretty paint by numbers, easily forgettable WWE style TV match. Rose via Party Foul after some mundane action. Move along, nothing to see here. *1/4
Next up was the go home segment for the John Cena/Brock Lesnar match at SummerSlam. Cena, Lesnar, and especially Paul Heyman have been beyond fantastic in this build, so if this match doesn’t pop some new Network buys, I think it’ll be safe to say that Brock simply isn’t a difference maker at this point.
No Titus plus no SLATER GATOR equals a skippable edition of Superstars.