What is being promoted on tonight’s Raw? An issue between Randy Orton and Roman Reigns? More words from Brock Lesnar and John Cena regarding SummerSlam? Um, no. Hulk Hogan has a birthday bash and Stephanie has a confession to make. Well, ok, the latter concerns with SummerSlam. And the former sounds maybe alright. I dunno. After watching weeks of great wrestling, now there’s Raw. SummerSlam sounds like a good show. Raw, well. It’s Raw.

The show starts with two people who are not Stephanie and Hunter, Brock and Paul Heyman. Heyman says his client wanted him to come out and sell the people on SummerSlam. He shows footage of Brock beating Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Talks about him as a rookie when he took out Rock and Hogan and how they left for months after. Heyman says don’t miss SummerSlam because when Lesnar is through with Cena, the words “you can’t see me” will never be more truthful. People cheered. He showed footage of Extreme Rules 2012. Even John Cena will tell you while he did win, he lost the battle. Just like GSP and Hendricks! The beating that John Cena will take this sunday will be that of a shakespearean tragedy. He starts to RAP about Cena’s demise. That was interesting. He mentions one more thing. It’s his house now, and the people are his servants. They’ll let Hogan have his party and Cena have his words. But when he’s done having dinner, he’ll be back. Quite the promo.

Kevin Dunn’s Friend Flo Rida and Weird Al Yankovic wished the Hulkster a happy birthday.

Roman Reigns comes out. Corporate Kane follows. He’s back as Director of Operations. I’m still waiting for the one person not in WWE management, or Kane himself, that possibly cares about what MODE he’s in this week. Or who he’s wrestling. Or anything at all concerning Kane.. He says beating Kane last week (yes, he’s referring Demon Kane as two separate beings) was like beating two men. He sends out Rybaxel. I knew this immediately before their music even played.

Rybaxel vs. Roman Reigns. Ryback and Roman stall a while. Ryback tells him to run the ropes and try to take him down. Reigns looks like he’s about to, but then just clotheslines Ryback anyway. That was awesome. What was not awesome was Roman winning by DQ after the heel team KICKED TOO MUCH ASS. No, Roman Reigns could not beat RYBACK AND CURTIS AXEL cleanly.

Renee, in the ring, asks Roman Reigns about Orton at SummerSlam. Roman’s over huge in Portland. “What’s a viper when you knock it’s fangs down it’s throat” Roman asked. “A gutless little worm” was the punchline. Keep your day job.

Orton is with Kane. Orton says that since Rybaxel couldn’t get the job done, or the so called monster Kane, he’ll just have to do it at SummerSlam. Kane says one more thing, he has a match against Sheamus tonight because it’s best for business. No, I’m pretty sure I can see the quarter hours plummeting already, so I have to disagree with that one.

VoicesofWrestling.com - WWE Raw August 11RVD vs. Seth Rollins. Let me guess, Dean Ambrose comes in to distract. Actually, no, he didn’t. I hate predicting WWE because 9 times out of 10 I can’t predict, either because after a whole show of doing stupid stuff they do something right, or vice versa. They had an ok match that Seth won clean with the curb stomp after Rollins bounced him off after a monkey flip attempt.

Oh, here’s the stupid part. Seth notices a large present in the setup for Hulk Hogan’s birthday party later. Rollins thinks Ambrose is in one of the presents. He shakes the big red box, nothing moves. He starts to walk away when Dean busts out of the present and jumps Seth, leaving him running into the stands. Ambrose says run while you still can, and for $9.99 he’ll get more than his money’s worth by kicking Seth’s ass. I don’t even know what to think of this segment.

Stephanie comes out for her CONFESSION next. She talks about Daniel Bryan’s rehab. She brings in Megan Miller, Daniel Bryan’s therapist. She has something to confess. She tries to leave, but Stephanie says “it’s ok, Megan, you’re the victim.” Oh no. The crowd what’d this. She said this happened all so innocently at first. She eventually admits to having an affair with Bryan. This brings out Brie, who slapped Megan then put Stephanie in what I’m assuming was supposed to be the yes lock. Security rushes in and separates them. Stephanie says enough, they won’t wait until SummerSlam, tonight they’ll finish this. Another god damn segment between these two?

How hard is WWE trying to make me not watch SummerSlam and not renew the Network?

Jack Swagger vs. Cesaro. If you told me two months ago Swagger would get an entrance and Cesaro wouldn’t, I’d be gobsmacked. I’m gobsmacked.  They had a long match. It actually got pretty good towards the end. Swagger got the ankle lock in, but Cesaro reaches the ropes. Cesaro goes to the top rope, but Swagger throws him off and locks in the ankle lock and Cesaro taps.

Zeb says he wants to send a message to that gremlin kremlin Rusev and Olga or whatever her name is this week that at SummerSlam they’ll be representing the 50 stars and 13 bars. They went to do their catchphrase, but Rusev and Lana come out and just..stare. Ok?

Michael is set to conduct an interview between Bray Wyatt and Chris Jericho. Bray asks if he remembers when he was a child that was never able to live up to his dad’s expectations. What a jerk IRS is. Says he won’t feel the least bit sorry about what he does. There are no consequences for my actions, I have no conscious. I am Bray Wyatt, the eater of worlds. At SummerSlam, this smile will be the last thing you ever see, savior.

Jericho says he’s not a savior. He’s a survivor. A lot of different sides and faces, I have. At SummerSlam, I’ll follow the buzzards and shove them down you throat. I’ll be the first one to shut you up for good. This was alright. The problem is I’m only kinda sure as to why they’re feuding in the first place, and nothing has really been established. But this was fine.

VoicesofWrestling.com - WWE Raw August 11AJ vs. Eva Marie. AJ gets Eva Marie in a headlock when Paige comes out to DISTRACT. She skips around the ring. Eva Marie then rolls her up and wins. No words. Paige says she knew when she threw her off the stage she’d be a bit mad. She wrote an apology. Roses are red, woodchips are beige, i’m sorry that I threw you off the stage. This is a parody of a professional wrestling program. AJ, mad, destroyed Eva Marie afterwards to ensure no one got over in this segment.

The Usos have a “tag team open challenge” tomorrow. I think there’s only one heel team on the roster, so it’s not much of a challenge if you’re going to face Rybaxel again.

John Cena comes out. He has a new dumb shirt and I hate the way he wears the titles. Sorry, I am being very spiteful right now. For good reason, granted, but still. He mocks Heyman. He says there’s one thing Lesnar won’t do at SummerSlam- win. For him to win, he would have to lay down for Brock and he’s not going to do that, interpret it anyway you like. He doesn’t like Lesnar because he only thinks of himself. He says a lot of weeks he hears boos, cheer, Let’s Go Cena, Cena sucks. He asks when is he finally going to turn and not be about the t-shirts or baseball caps. He says never. He says Brock is wrong about this being his house. It’s the people’s house. He says if this is really your house, then there’s a stranger in the living room. He wants Brock out there. This was so great there were actual CENA chants. He is the one that beats the one. This Sunday, the champ is here. This lifted the show out of being one of the worst of all time.

Larry King wishes Hulk a happy birthday. He wishes he could be as tan as Hulk. Well, I don’t. Florida Georgia Line wishes him a happy birthday too. I think they’re a band.

Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon. Uh huh. I wonder how many people seriously believe Stephanie was going to wrestle her. Sure enough, she comes out in street clothes. Looks like we’ll have to wait for SummerSlam after all if you can get through tonight. Megan’s decided to press charges. Right back to the doldrums. Stephanie says what goes around, comes around. If she can make bail she’ll see her at SummerSlam. Look, Stephanie is fantastic in this role. She’s a fantastic heel. Problem is, I would like this a lot more if her last name was not McMahon, and if this were not conveniently highlighted as a focal point in the SummerSlam card. Also if Brie got more than two sentences in during this entire feud. Also, all the soap opera shit is super dumb and is completely unnecessary for a match that, quite frankly, didn’t need it at all.

VoicesofWrestling.com - WWE Raw August 11Where was Nikki during this, my the way?

The Miz came out to save Raw. He’s on commentary.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Heath Slater. Miz says if something were to happen to his moneymaker, there would be no more Marine movies. Are WWE subtlety burying their own franchise? Seems on par. Ziggler keeps getting DISTRACTED and Slater gets more offense. Ziggler leaves him laying with the zig zag, but of course MIZ RUNS IN! AND THEY BRAWL AROUND THE RING! BUT OOPS, DOLPH ZIGGLER CAN’T GET IN THE RING BY TEN! SLATER WINS LOL!!!

Ziggler extends his hand after. Slater acts like he’s going to shake, but then tries to jump him only to get left lying with the zig zag. This is your Intercontinental title program for SummerSlam. Mr. Perfect vs. Bret Hart from SummerSlam of years past this will not be.

MizTV with Roman Reigns is supposed to get you interested about Smackdown.

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus. Guy held a “boring” sign as Orton walked to the ring. The crowd, in fact, did not completely shit over it like they did the last time, but they did proceed not to care a lot about it. Exclusively on the WWE App, you could have been Orton gain control after Sheamus missed a boot and landed over the barricade. Orton actually gave him a back suplex into the announce table for heat. Turned into actually a very good match with Orton getting the win after an RKO on Sheamus as he jumped off the top rope in some great timing. Yes, I’m eating crow. Again.

HULK HOGAN BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION TIME! Everyone came out and stood out as Mean Gene and Jimmy Hart introduced Hulk Hogan, who came out to a nice reaction. A GREAT Hulk Hogan video aired highlighting all of his big career moments, from winning the title at MSG to him returning earlier this year. It was so great I ignored them plugging the network after. Ric Flair comes out, followed by Paul Orndorff, who comes out to his WCW song, HE’S SO WONDERFUL. Ignore what I said about 2/3 of this show. Roddy Piper followed, then the nWo, Hall and Nash. Hall says hey yo, then says he looks great in the red and yellow, but he wants to take a survey. Survey says, one more for the good guys as Hogan rips his shirt, revealing a nWo one. Nash starts singing happy birthday when all of a sudden BROCK LESNAR’S MUSIC HITS.

He and Heyman come to the ring. Heyman says what’cha gonna do, Hulkster. Lesnar says party time’s over, grandpa. Suddenly Cena dashes down to the ring and confronts Lesnar. Lesnar acts like he’s gonna beat up Cena, but then bails. Raw ends with Cena standing in the ring, and with Brock in the aisle saying he’s a mercenary.

Since I liked the birthday bash, I’ll do my running play by play as the celebration continues on the network. Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil brought out cake. They argued. They ended up throwing cake at each other. Mean Gene says thankfully there’s a plan B. They brought out another cake, complete with 9.99 candles. Then they all just leave. What, they aren’t going to eat any cake? Huge amounts of confetti and pyro fell from the sky as the post show went off the air.

John Cena/Brock Lesnar prelude to SummerSlam followed this. Stop reading this report and go watch it now, it’s one of the best things they’ve done in ages. Which begs the question why they did some of the stuff they did here tonight.

Final Thoughts:

The birthday bash and anything involving the world title match was great. Sheamus/Orton had a great TV match. Everything else was some of the worst booking and storytelling imaginable.