Saturday Night’s Main Event
October 5, 1985
WE ARE ON THE BRINK OF AN INTERNATIONAL CRISIS.
No, seriously, we are.
The Hulkster wants no fucking part of Nikolai Volkoff’s commie ass spreading his Marxist ideals around the arenas of these here United States. And…tonight, he is going to do something about it! Even if it means purposely starting World War III.
Saturday Night’s Main Event II comes almost FIVE MONTHS after the very successful first episode. Since the first episode of SNME, all you need to know is Hulkamania’s been runnin wild on any and all motherfuckers in his way. Mostly getting them DQ wins over some form of Roddy Piper and ‘Cowboy’ Bob Orton. But along the way, Hogan gets his jimmies rustled by Nikolai’s love for Mother Russia and vows to put an end to this shit immediately. So, here we are…a fuckin FLAG MATCH.
Nikolai Volkoff mush-mouths something before Fred Blassie bats a single from the cleanup spot with no one on and two out, because Nikolai, God bless his soul, didn’t say a damn thing anyone could understand.
BUT NEVER FEAR, The Hulkster is here and hits a two run blast to put Saturday Night’s Main Event up 2-0. Hulk lets us know, WE THE PEOPLE of America have nothing to worry about, so we should get up from under our desks, because neither Russia nor Nikolai Volkoff are anything to worry about. Even if the USSR decided to bomb the USA with Vostok 57, the Hulkster’s got the largest arms in the world, brother.
Oh yeah…and after Hulk has an international incident…we’re going to have a wedding!
Episode II, Day 5…Still no Obsession as a theme.
Jesse ‘The Body’ Outfit Advisory Level raised to Electric Lavender.
Flag Match – Hulk Hogan (c) vs. Nikolai Volkoff
Rich: This wasn’t very good, it was your standard Hogan vs. shitty foreign heel match but I will say, I was fairly surprised at the amount of offense Hogan gave Volkoff. It wasn’t much but this is Volkoff for god’s sake. This was like Undertaker at Survivor Series 1991 level selling. Okay, that’s a bit much but Hogan let Volkoff slam him and press him above his head. McMahon at one point said “Perhaps Volkoff is the stronger of the two!” Alright Vinny, whatever you say.
Maybe I’m getting soft in my old age but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed both Hogan matches from episode 1 and now episode 2 but not in a totally sarcastic, oh it’s great to see Hogan get huge pops way, I think they’ve been legitimately well worked matches. The hell is wrong with me?
Larry: STANDING IN THE CORNER TO MY LEFT…Nikolai Volkoff…and he wants to sing. Hogan though, he is a proud American, and the stars and stripes will fly FOREVER. Man…he’s going to shove that flag so far up Volkoff’s ass, Lana is going to feel it. Can’t wait.
Token Hogan match through and through. Shitty heel heat segment, comeback, thwarted…and then Volkoff gives Hogan an atomic wedgie during a gorilla press spot. This makes him a master of ROUGHOUSE TACTICS! HULK UP, PUNCHES, LEG DROPS SPUTNIK…1-2-3. AMERICA, FUCK YEA!
You get’em Hogan.
And, for good measure, spit on the commie’s defeated corpse. And you know what…FUCK THE SOVIETS. Disrespect the Soviet flag while you’re at it. Shine your shoes with it, blow your nose with it, wipe your ass with it, brother!
Rich: The views expressed by Larry do not necessarily represent the views of Voices of Wrestling or its sponsors. (By the way, email us if you want to sponsor, we need some dough)
Larry: Back from commercial, Hogan promo #3 on the night…he confuses Nikolai Volkoff with Tully Blanchard’s valet Babydoll.
Rich: I love how the 100% focus of Mean Gene’s interview and well this entire show is the wedding. Hey Hogan, you have defeated the USSR thereby saving America but the real story is some fat redneck is getting married tonight! Seriously, Gene essentially blows off any reference to the previous match and only wants to talk about Hogan being apart of the BIG wedding. Hogan mentions Gene will be playing “the keys.”
Uncle Elmer vs. Jerry Valiant
Rich: I took a drink of water and missed this. I didn’t rewind, shoot me.
Larry: Six seconds…not bad.
The Body Shop w/ Bobby Heenan
Larry: Heenan DOUBLES the bounty on MISSA WUNNAFUL’S HEAD. Why? Because no one will do anything for $25K.
But do you know who would do it for $50K? Roddy fuckin Piper. And Heenan better be a Lannister after this beatdown or he is gonna come collecting. Valar Morghulis, Weasel.
Rich: This segment man, you see that it’s Jesse and Bobby and you think, this had to be great, right? Wrong. First off, what in the blue hell is Jesse wearing. I can’t even describe it, I’ve tried and I can’t. He’s got a sock on his head, his glasses look like diamond shaped paper bags, he’s got at least 7 boas on, I can’t even, look it up yourself.
Bobby is shining in his own right which his glistening sequin suit and skinny tie. Anyway, Bobby was cutting what sounded like a good promo but some ragamuffin in the front row kept blowing an air horn literally every five seconds. I’m not being sarcastic, it was every five seconds. It got the story over so it was cool but I expected so much more out of The Body Shop but hey, there’s always next time.
Roddy Piper vs. Paul Orndorff
Rich: I really enjoyed this because it was exactly what a blood feud brawl should look like. Jesse even at a point says ‘These guys aren’t going for pinfalls” and I don’t think we got one near fall. Instead, it was an endless brawl with very little if any wrestling moves. In one of the first instances I can remember, they brawl all the way to the back. This was really cool and gave a real sense that these dudes wanted to tear each other apart. One of my biggest pet peeves is standard wrestling holds during a match with so much hatred and emotion, it doesn’t make sense. Not this one. Hard to rate since it’s hardly a match but it still gets a few Hogan heads from me
Larry: Crowd is hot. These two beat the shit out of each other for a few minutes before the count-out finish as they roll around all of the way to the back. Piper won’t be able to get some new bagpipes and Orndorff lives another day. This is less a match and more of an extended segment, but I enjoyed it.
Uncle Elmer’s Wedding
Rich: This was insane. First off, Hogan left his sleeves at the alter, Hillbilly, Elmer and Junior had little ties on and everyone dressed up to at least some extent… well, except Andre who couldn’t be bothered to put a shirt on and just wore his red trunks. At one point you see ANdre in the background with a “The fuck am I doing here look” look on his face.
Anyway, this segment…um…yeah. It’s hard to call it bad because I’m not sure what it was supposed to be. Most wrestling weddings are building to some insane twist (Al Wilson, Teddy Long, Billy Gunn/Chuck Palumbo) but this felt like a legit wedding. You won’t believe my shock when I looked it up and it WAS an actual wedding.
I liked when some dickhead fan threw a pretzel or hot dog wrapper at the bride-to-be, wrestling fans gonna wrestling fan. Elmer has a ton of trouble getting the ring on his bride’s finger to which Vince McMahon says “Boy, I hope that’s not a premonition for what’s going to happen later tonight” Really Vinny, condom jokes? Wait, it’s Vince McMahon, nevermind, it’s quite apt.
Piper comes in and wrecks the whole damn thing: “YOU STINK, YOU STINK AND THIS WHOLE WEDDING STINKS” He’s not wrong. He just gingerly walks to the back and we get the kiss. Hooray!
Larry: This is a Top 10 Worst Segment in the history of this company. Think on that one. I can at least find some enjoyment here in this ridiculous outfit Hogan is wearing to the wedding. Cowboy boots…black latex pants…A WEIGHT BELT…a white button down WITHOUT SLEEVES and a bowtie. Also, Aunt Joyce gets hit with a bagel and Uncle Elmer can’t hear shit before Piper objects because THE WHOLE THING STINKS. You right, Roddy, you right.
Andre the Giant & Tony Atlas vs. King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd w/ Bobby Heenan
Rich: there’s time when I like big hoss matches, sometimes there’s some morbid curiosity and even enjoyment in them. This one was a different breed of awful though. More than half the match was Andre choking Bundy in the corner, but hey what did I expect with these guys?
Larry: What a freak show match. Listen, this shit isn’t going to be any good, but these big dudes are the founding fathers of the BIG HOSS DIVISION. Clubs fly everywhere, Andre chokes Bundy, Tony Atlas takes most of the heat segment, and I count 23 heatbutts. This one felt like one long four minutes before the heels get dirty giving the win to Andre and Atlas. Andre was at least having fun out there. He’s smiling…was probably sober. Hogan shows up in his ridiculous wedding outfit to help Andre out. This will lead to a big match at Saturday Night’s Main Event III.
Hogan Promo number four, brother.
Mean Gene is on location at the zoo to let us know that George Steele is officially turning face after they had been teasing the face turn since Main Event I. After some electro-shock therapy, George make joke…joke not funny…BYE.
The Dream Team (c) w/ ‘Luscious’ Johnny Valiant vs. Lanny Poffo and Tony Garea
Rich: Fun fact – I’ve shot the shit with Lanny Poffo for almost an hour after a 4th of July parade once. Take that! I barely recognized Garea with a head of black hair, that dude got about 30 years older in 10 years. Seriously in about 5-10 when he came out from the back to break up brawls, he looks 70 but here he looks like a strapping young gentleman.
You cannot convince me the perm/mustache combo was ever cool, everyone in the 80s knew they looked ridiculous, right?
I wish Gorilla was calling this so we could hear that Valentine doesn’t even get warm until 30 minutes in. Anyway, this match was pretty good. Lanny is a great high-flyer and Brutus wasn’t a beefed up muscle head yet so he could move around a little. Valentine, who I’ve never been a huge fan of, did some solid work as well. I enjoyed this, definitely the best match of the night.
Larry: Oh lord does this amazingly mustachioed Lanny looks straight off the set of Deep Throat. A barebones extended enhancement match for the Dream Team. Lanny and Garea looked good here, but this match runs about three minutes before the sudden Valentine puts the Figure Four on Tony G. NO ONE GETS OUT OF VALENTINE’S FIGURE FOUR, says Jesse.
Rich: Time for Elmer’s wedding reception, what an unbelievable cast of characters here. Third outfit of the night for Jesse Venture. Mr. Wonderful, Hogan, Vince and Ventura are seated at the same table. Lanny is shirtless and christens the new bride and groom with a poem.
Tiny Tim makes an appearance, what the hell am I watching? He gifts Mr. Elmer with a special Ukulele. Conspicuous by his absence is Andre who wouldn’t be caught dead in this segment.
Larry: The crowd was hot all night, but I just can’t, out of not only the kindness of my heart, but because I value free time, recommend this show. Its 25 minutes of Uncle Elmer’s Wedding, 20 minutes of Hogan, and 15 minutes of shit no one really cares about, which makes this 60 minutes of shit. Pass.
Rich: Well then, I won’t say you should completely avoid the show because I enjoyed most of the matches. The problem is, the matches are only about ⅓ of the show. The rest is Uncle Elmer’s wedding, his reception and promos about Uncle Elmer’s wedding.