— Sting (@Sting) July 8, 2014
…Is today’s date! We’re smack dab in the middle of summer, which is sad for those who have school, but HEY. There’s still plenty of time left to get a tan or sit around and do nothing for a few more weeks. Tonight on Raw, there’s a big six man involving John Cena, Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns against Kane, Randy Orton and Seth Rollins. Hey, sure beats a rematch from Smackdown. But we’ll probably get a lot of those anyway.
Raw starts off with John Cena coming to the ring. There is a “No Sting, No Care” sign. The guy from the Police? I think he’s busy. Anyway, John Cena shills the Network in an attempt not to be amazingly desperate for people to buy the Network. He plugs it because he’s going to be defending his title at Battleground. Reigns comes out to a big pop. Mentions how they are partners tonight, but will be opponents on Sunday. He goes on and on until Reigns says get to the point. Cena says tonight we’ll see if you’re good as you say you are. Reigns says ok, we’ll get rid of Kane and Orton then we’ll see how good YOU really are.
Dean Ambrose appears on the video. Says enough of this prettiest girl in the dance routine. Tonight is about kicking all of their asses, including Triple H’s bag boy Seth Rollins. Suddenly, who should arrive to ruin fun but Kane. He, Orton and Rollins surround him, then proceed to destroy him, throwing him against the wall and generally just kicking his butt. He gets chokeslammed into one of those prop suitcase things then asks if that’s all they got. Rollins responds by curb stomping him. Well, I have no idea why that just occurred. So Reigns and Cena were just cool with all the heels beating on their tag team partner? There were no referees to break up this backstage assault?
Sheamus vs. The Miz: Sheamus cut an inset promo saying how Miz hates getting hit in the face, and says don’t worry, he’ll just kick your head off your shoulders. Miz cuts a promo promising to win the Intercontinental championship. He then says he’s going to put “the moneymaker” on the titantron for all to see during this match. A picture of his face is indeed shown through his match. They had an alright match. They actually went to a screen showing the various participants in the battle royal while the match was still going on. Nothing like doing your best to make sure a match isn’t important. The crowd was really hot for this. Sheamus went for the brouge kick, but hit the turnbuckle and Miz rolled him up to win. The announcers called this a huge upset, despite being a former WWE champion. Actually, they’re both former WWE champions. Sure is great remembering pushes of yesterday’s past.
Randy Orton, Seth Rollins and Kane were backstage. The cameras focused on Randy and Kane and seeing if they can trust each other. Suddenly, Seth vanishes and Triple H takes his place. It should really be the other way around. He says you two can talk about it on Sunday because they both need to be on the same page and maintain order and stability to the WWE title. They’re dismissed as Stephanie arrives. She says she loves when he takes control and they make out.
Fandango vs. Dolph Ziggler: They had a match. They did their new favorite finish again. Layla and Summer Rae, for no real reason, just jump on the announcers table and start dancing. This, of course, distracts Fandango and Ziggler wins with a famouser or something, I dunno. Why should I pay attention when the finish is not designed to be memorable. Layla and Summer get with Ziggler after and they dance.
They had a inset commercial with Sonic food. No, not the hedgehog, the fast food place. Adam Rose and Damien Sandow fought over a hot dog. No, really. This is what 3 hours of Raw has come to. THOUGH…they did air a commercial that had a slushie with Nerds candy in it. That sounds lovely on a hot summer day. This whole segment though is a prime reason why they didn’t get their big TV rights fee deal like they wanted this year. The only kind of television show that does this kind of shit are the two soap operas left on daytime television that need the mone-oh. Well, now that I think about it, this makes total sense. Carry on.
The Usos were about to come out for a match when all of a sudden The Wyatts arrive and lay them out. Well, sure beats watching them wrestle for the 10,000th time.
Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter, Lana and Rusev are here for their “detente”. I guess that’s new WWE verbiage for debate. Lana speaks in Russian then says America is stupid because they want to be the world’s leader but can’t help themselves. Lana gets massive heat for this. She said America was stupid because after they fought their freedom from the British they fought themselves like savages. Russia has always been a loving country. I guess she forgot about 1917. And everything after 1917. She wants Zeb to apologize.
Zeb says she wants to tell her and Bullwinkle something. He says he didn’t come back from ‘Nam to hear them speak about their country like that. Calls them foreigners and says hell no he won’t apologize. Lana says there is one man to solve all the United States’ problems. He is Vladimir Putin. Zeb calls him ugly. They showed a picture of Obama and people popped. Says that whether you like him or not, we should respect the presidency of the United States. Asks Rusev if he accepts their challenge for Battleground . Rusev says this is war. Zeb addresses Lana, saying he knows who wears the pants and skirt in the family. Lana slaps Zeb and this leads into a brawl. Rusev goes for his flying superkick but Swagger turns it into the Patriot lock and eventually the heels bail. This was amazing.
Cena and Reigns are backstage. Cena says Ambrose is out and this was a setup by the Authority. Cena says they need to be on the same page. Reigns says they took out one of us, we’ll take out three of them tonight.
Alberto del Rio vs. RVD: Oh goody. RVD went for a dive and ended up getting caught in the ring apron. del Rio uses this to hit his enziguri and gets in control. RVD does his comeback and goes for a frog splash, but Alberto gets the knees and locks in the armbar for the submission. It was fine.
They plugged the CM Punk documentary on the Network tomorrow. That’s…fascinating.
Nikki Bella comes to the ring. Stephanie follows. Talks about how Brie Bella abandoned Nikki when she quit. And now she’s left to suffer the consequences. Don’t do the convenient thing and blame me, blame your sister.
Nikki Bella vs. Alicia Fox and Cameron: Nikki gets a hope spot after Cameron bumps into Alicia and hits a Alabama Slam, but the heels recover quickly. Nikki fights them off and goes to the top rope for a move, bumps off Cameron from the apron but Alicia brings her down and hits some sort of weird finish for the win.
Sting was indeed revealed as a pre-order bonus for WWE 15, so there you go. Cool commercial. They mentioned “two generations of Sting” so clearly they mean Crow Sting and Main Event Mafia Steve Sting.
Triple H was working on something when Randy Orton came in and complained about Kane. Triple H says he’s a pawn and will stick to the plan. You’re the plan. Orton says that if he’s the plan, there is no need for plan B. Triple H says yup, right. Hmm.
Wacky Goldust and Stardust promo.
Cesaro makes his way to the ring. No Paul Heyman. Lawler says he heard a rumor that Heyman was fired, or quit. Cole says he was on the Japan tour and was seen earlier tonight in the arena. Uhh, ok?
The Miz vs. Sheamus in a rematch is on Main Event tomorrow. I thought you wanted people to subscribe to this Network.
Cesaro vs. Big E: Cole says that Cesaro has been in “some mood” lately. Yeah, because he’s lost a lot, dork. Big E gets the straps down but Cesaro bails. He grabs a chair but Kingston nabs it, Big E hits the Big Ending, that’s it. Nothing better than a losing streak gimmick to get NO ONE EVER over.
Chris Jericho makes his way to the ring. He’s seen and done it all in the WWE. He runs down all of his accomplishments. He’s seen and done it all, but he’s wrong because he’s never seen anything like Bray Wyatt. For some reason, he’s set his sights on Chris Jericho. He doesn’t know why. Good luck trying to find an answer to that question, homie. He says Jericho vs. Wyatt is on for Battleground. Wanna get crazy? He can get a little crazy. He might have the whole world in his hands, but Jericho has the whole WWE Universe in his hands.
Bray Wyatt appears. He’s gone to war with very powerful men. There’s one constant. I don’t know what it is because a loud boring chant emerges that’s not a good sign. He asks if he’s afraid of the dark, then the lights go out. When the lights come back on, the Wyatts appear. Jericho manages to escape as Jericho keeps an eye on them…only for Bray to come out and attack from behind. Leaves him laying with a Sister Abigail. This feud is so not interesting to me. These segments are fine enough, but they’re not making me excited for a match between these two.
AJ Lee vs. Eva Marie: This is a rematch from Smackdown. That match on Smackdown is one of the worst matches I’ve seen since Sable/Tori from Wrestlemania 15. Think how bad this match, that lasted a minute, was. Great idea to do this LIVE ON RAW. This was a better match. And by better, I mean still below average. AJ won with the black widow submission. Paige was on commentary and talked about how they were frenemies. They then had a conversation after. I don’t know where this storyline is headed, nor do I care at this point.
Triple H and Stephanie were talking about Flo Rida when Kane walks in. Says he doesn’t like Orton. Triple H says he just wants the title to come back to the Authority and just do what you have to do on Sunday. Hmm.
Bo Dallas vs. The Great Khali: Ugh. Khali could barely move, and all he did was chops. I’m maybe too mean, but seriously, why are they putting him out here when it’s very obvious he’s very immobile? Bo bails to the outside. He dropkicks Khali in the knee then hits a bulldog for a countout win. Bo then gets on the mic and starts his speech but Khali cut him off with a chop. Bo, dazed, celebrates anyway.
Seth Rollins is seen talking to Triple H and Stephanie. Rollins notices how Orton and Kane are getting along lately. Triple H says don’t worry, they know what plan B is. Paul Heyman enters. He says that he’s just here, biding his time. He just wants to make sure you know that there’s a plan C as well. He leaves, leaving Stephanie to say that she doesn’t trust him.
Ric Flair comes out. Says he’s had some fun in Richmond. Renee asks Ric who will walk out the WWE champion. Flair says there’s one guy he knows who will walk out the champ, and that’s John Cena. Roman Reigns comes out. Roman Reigns shakes his hand. Flair then leaves, only to meet John Cena, who gives him the old WCW/NWA/World title. What a waste of time this was.
John Cena and Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins, Kane and Randy Orton: Orton, Cena headlock. I’ve seen this in the last week. The last month. The last year. The last decade. They have a decent match, though man was it a battle to keep my interests. Cena does his comeback to Rollins. Orton takes control after a tag. Reigns then makes a hot tag. He does his moves then goes for a superman punch but instead hits Kane, and eliminates him and Rollins out of the equation. Orton jumps him, but Reigns takes him out and goes for the punch but Kane and Orton just keeps jumping him until they’re disqualified. Beautiful finish. Cena and Kane go at it after. Reigns accidently spears Cena. Kane takes him out with a big boot. Orton RKO’s Kane. Orton poses, but Reigns gets up and spears Orton. He stands tall as Raw goes off the air.
The good news is that they pushed Battleground this Sunday. The bad news is I am sure not one person’s interest was gauged after watching this show. A lot of filler guised as build for the battle royal, other filler that was just plain bad, incoherent storytelling in the midcard with zero direction and a dull main event made this show pretty lame. The Rusev/Swagger segment was good, though. So at least there’s that.