Tonight on Raw, we see the aftermath of last night’s Money in the Bank pay-per-view, where John Cena won the title again. You still mad? No? Good. I’m expecting the REMATCHAPALOOZA~! count to be strong with this one tonight. Because, well, yeah. Also, a former WWE champion will be making his return. Names like Chris Jericho and the Miz are being thrown around. Not terribly exciting for me, but maybe someone is thrilled with these prospects. At least for Jericho, anyway. Let’s see what Raw has to offer this week.
We start off Raw with a match. LOL just kidding, it’s the most important people in the WWE Universe: The Authority. They’re all smiles. They run down what happened with Seth Rollins last night. They put over John Cena winning the title last night and him being an A+ player. He comes down to the ring. Stephanie announces that he is on the cover of WWE 2K15. They show a picture of him being on the cover. He says this is all cool, but he knows they’re being phony. What’s up.
Triple H says fine, he doesn’t care if he’s WWE champion and does all this stuff for WWE. But he has to do it with respect. John says if by respect you mean being your flunky then I’d rather do it the hard way. Triple H says fine. At Battleground, he’ll face Kane, Roman Reigns and Randy Orton in a Fatal Four Way match. Yes, they want to sell Network subscriptions with this main event. Also why is Reigns in this match when they didn’t want him to be in the ladder match last week? Consistency, lol. Triple H says he and Reigns will team with Kane and Randy Orton in an exhilarating match tonight. John Cena then mentions Stephanie’s crap escapades from last week as he leaves, but Triple H interrupts and says if he survives Battleground, there’s always plan B. Seth Rollins comes out with the briefcase and makes his way to the ring, passing John Cena as he’s in a match.
Seth Rollins vs. RVD: This was a by the numbers match. Seth went for a buckle bomb, but RVD countered with a hurricanrana that sent Seth taking a flip bump into the turnbuckle. Seth twists RVD around on the ropes, however and hits the curb stomp for the victory.
Seth cuts a promo after the match saying that it’s not arrogance if you back it up. He says that this is his golden ticket to the WWE championship. Dean Ambrose interrupts him on the big screen. Says that plan A failed last night and Triple H and Uncle Kane had to come and bail you out. Says that he thinks it’s more fun this way, because every time he’s going to try and cash it in he’ll be there to make sure it doesn’t happen. Good promo.
Rusev comes out with Lana, where they do their usual spiel. Lana asks which American will fall next to Rusev. Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter come out, of all people. Zeb says that they’ve come here because they want to use America’s free speech policy. But since they have that right too, he has one thing to say to Lana: shut the hell up. The crowd popped. Zeb says that maybe it’s time a Real American gets the job done here. Swagger and Rusev have a staredown, and they brawl. Swagger sends Rusev reeling as the crowd pops HUGE for this. I’d never imagine Jack Swagger in 2014 getting a reaction like this. This was pretty great, although I have no idea where they are going with Zeb as a face. Neither do they, probably.
Sheamus and the Usos vs. The Wyatt Family: Standard good match. Harper gave Sheamus a huge boot to the face on the outside. Rowan did a head vicegrip using his fists. That needs to be a submission finish. After getting worked on forever, Sheamus makes the hot tag and Usos run wild. Lots of activity toward the end leading to Harper giving one of the Usos a discus clothesline securing the victory. Some fun stuff at the end, but…I dunno. I don’t need to see a lot of random six man tags on Raw.
Tom Phillips is with Nikki Bella. She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong by inviting Brie backstage. Umm, have you watched the last year of WWE programming? Stephanie immediately finds her way in and mentions that she and Brie are facing the Funkadactyls, but oops Brie isn’t here, so she’s in a handicap match. And it’s next. Brie looked, I dunno, maybe upset.
A limo pulled up. According to Michael Cole, it’s a “cross multimedia entertainment superstar” or some sort of shitty verbiage that NO ONE IN REAL LIFE WOULD EVER SAY. WWE’s verbiage lately has been very bad lately, even for them.
Bo Dallas arrived. He said let’s have a moment of silence for two superstars who are currently unable to compete, Daniel Bryan and Bad News Barrett. A halfhearted, if you even want to say that, Bo-ner chant emerged. They then showed the video of what happened last night between him and Daniel Bryan. They really tried to make the crowd chant bo-ner but it didn’t work. He said to just Bo-Lieve.
The Funkadactyls vs. Nikki Bella: They won quickly after Naomi tagged herself in, and Naomi quickly hit Nikki with her finish. Cameron was pissed after, shoving Namoi and they had a staredown. Cameron left Naomi standing in the ring as she made her way to the back.
They showed footage of what happened last week when Swagger threw Bad News Barrett into the guardrail, separating his shoulder. Michael Cole mentioned that he will be out for a number of months and that a new Intercontinental champion will be determined at Battleground in a battle royal. This brings out Paul Heyman, who does his usual lines, then announces that he is glad that Barrett is injured because that means Cesaro will win the battle royal at Battleground. Geez, I hope not. We all know what happens when guys get the midcard belts. In fact, it was starting to happen to Barrett until he got injured. So maybe that’s good for him in a sense.
Kofi Kingston vs. Cesaro: They had a long match. Yes, with Kofi Kingston. Therefore, the crowd died and no one cared, including people at home most likely. Large CM Punk chants. We come back from commercial and turns out Kofi Kingston PINNED CESARO. On the WWE APP. Yes. Ugh. Cesaro promptly destroyed him for a long time after, including press slamming him over the guardrail into the crowd. Great win for Kofi Kingston~!
A segment entirely devoted to plugging some iced tea aired between Adam Rose and Santino. Gee, that’s sure more effective than someone getting interview time or something.
Damien Sandow came out and impersonated Vince McMahon. It was ok. Stephanie McMahon came on the screen, pissed. How dare you impersonate my father. For generations, the McMahons have built the WWE empire and that’s the only reason why you have a job. She makes a match between him and…The Great Khali. Yes. He’s back. Again. Tons and tons of releases, and he’s still here. Why. Why do they do this. He won quickly with a chop. I don’t care.
The Miz is back. The hits keep coming. The crowd actually popped for him. What the fuck? He spitted out his new fucking verbiage i’m already sick of. He plugged his direct-to-video movie. Why is he back, he asks. Because he says it’s all of you. The WWE Universe doesn’t appreciate me. He says you are all wrong, and he’ll prove it and stay here until you’re begging me to leave. This brings out Chris Jericho. Multimedia superstar used again. STOP IT. Miz says oh, what are you going to do Chris, come out here with your jacket and back for three weeks. Miz says he’s the Marine, damnit and talked some more until Jericho hit him with the codebreaker.
Jericho says it’s great to be back and can’t wait to say Raw is Jeri-but suddenly the Wyatts arrive. Jericho attacks Bray, but the numbers game is too much and they leave him lying. Jericho gets planted with the Sister Abigail. Cole says Y2J became Wyatt-2J. Whoever the fuck gave him that line should be fired immediately.
Fandango vs. Dolph Ziggler: They were having a match when Summer Rae arrived and made out with Ziggler like right in the middle of the ring for no damn reason. I know this is the storyline, but it’s kind of stupid. Fandango was like what the hell. She then walked away. Dolph hit the zig zag and won. Yes, this feud is continuing until they feel like dropping it for no reason without a resolution.
They showed Vickie throwing Stephanie in the pool of poop again. The Authority sure is letting this air a lot on WWE TV.
Rybaxel vs. Stardust and Goldust: I typed that before the faces even arrived because there’s no other heel tag team to face them. Just like their last two matches, heels get the heat on Goldust, Stardust makes the comeback and wins with a new move. Maybe this would be a good time to debut the Ascension?
Paige is coming out to do a interview? What? They’re allowing her to speak after months of not speaking? She says there are a few people who think I shouldn’t be here and should go back to NXT. But she feels that she deserves to be here. She is here to stay. AJ’s music hits, she’s back. Large CM Punk chants. She says that she’s right, no woman did what she could do and beat her. She let success go to her head and she let her ego run amok. AJ says congrats and she wants a rematch. Paige says what do you think I am, stupid? She doesn’t think anyone wants to see her defend her title tonight. The crowd cheered, I guess because they still thought Paige was a face. AJ says she wants the fans to actually decide. The fans chants yes. Paige says fine.
WWE Divas Title – Paige vs. AJ Lee: I guess this is a double turn. Maybe? Who knows? Not that long of a match. AJ rolls her up and pins her to win the title. Well, that’s that.
Randy Orton & Kane vs. John Cena& Roman Reigns: Orton and Cena grappled at the start!!! And hey, back from commercial Orton has Reigns in a RESTHOLD!!! Kane and Reigns go at it a long time and it wasn’t very interesting. Orton hits an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE~! But Reigns attacks and sends him out while hitting Kane with the superman punch. Kane throws Cena into the steps and hits him with it for the DQ. Kane hits the tombstone piledriver on Cena in the middle of the ring. The concerned crowd chant one more time. Medical comes in to check on Cena.
Suddenly, Rollins enters the ring and tries to cash in his briefcase, but the ref is apprehensive. Triple H corners the ref, but Ambrose runs in and drives Seth out of the ring and into the crowd. Kane grabs a chair and looks to finish Cena off, but Reigns comes back and takes out Kane. He and Triple H have a staredown, with the crowd chanting “This is Awesome” but Triple H, who is holding the briefcase for some reason, backs down and exits as Raw goes off the air.
REMATCHAPALOOZA~! Count: 3. 4 if you want to count AJ vs. Paige, but it hasn’t been done in months so I think it should get a pass.
Largely a uninteresting show with a lot of directions I’m just not interested in. WWE Battleground sounds less than interesting with that main event, and a lot of the content on this show was boring, or filler, or stuff that just wasn’t compelling in general. Seems like i’m in the minority in that while this was indeed a newsworthy show, and they do actually have plans for once leading into Battleground and Summerslam, it’s not compelling me right now. AJ returning is fine, but whatever. Jericho returning is fine, but he’ll be gone again in a few months. The Miz is back, lol. The Great Khali is back, super lol. WWE needs more new faces than old if you ask me and that’s where my interests lie.
But it wasn’t all bad. The Swagger/Rusev bit was at least interesting, and the segment to close off the show was fine. Everything else, skip. Well, if you want to see Chris Jericho return again, you can see that. But whatever.