We kick off the show with a recap of John Cena wrestling Kane in a Stretcher Match this past Monday on Raw. My cable happened to go out during the climax of that match. I wasn’t mad about it either. Stretcher Matches are stupid and appear more like game shows than wrestling matches.
Whoever updates John Cena’s Wikipedia page needs to add “Shot Put Steel Steps” to his “Signature Moves” section. He has now performed this move three times in the last four weeks. I think that constitutes as a “signature move” now.
John Cena starts off Smackdown headed to the ring to cut a promo. John welcomes everyone to Smackdown and starts doing his goofy shtick. Making jokes about how he wears neon green and tells people you can’t see him. John then quickly runs down the last 9 months of the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the style of Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura running down how the murder of Roger Podacter happened.
Alberto Del Rio comes out to the ring and tells John that he might forget how dangerous he can be. ADR is definitely dangerous and definitely more talented than the WWE has been treating him lately. Sheamus then comes out and makes a joke about carrying three championships through airport security after he wins since he has the US title as well. Paul Heyman then comes out with Cesaro and guarantees that Cesaro will walk out with the WWE title. Roman Reigns music hits and he comes down through the crowd. Reigns has been on a HOT streak lately. His in-ring work as a singles superstar has improved greatly. And his simple, serious, and tough promos have been really good. Reigns says that there is not a man that will stop him from winning the Money in the Bank match and he stares down Cena. Randy Orton then comes down and a brawl breaks out with the 6 superstars in the ring. This all builds towards the main event tonight for the 4 on 3 handicap match.
Seth Rollins comes out in his new Batman costume. I am glad to see he is no longer in his Shield gear, but I would prefer he just go back to his Tyler Black styled gear.
Kofi Kingston vs. Seth Rollins: Okay I take that back. I can dig this new attire. It’s not his Shield gear and he stands out from the rest of the wrestlers that wear short tights and kick pads.
Kofi gets some of his high flying in, but Rollins turns it around with his vicious and unique offense. Rollins hits Kofi with the power bomb into the turnbuckle followed up with the curb stomp for the win. ** This could have been better if given more time. It was just filler for what followed the match. Rollins gets on the mic and starts talking about the traditional Money in the Bank ladder match until Ambrose appears on the big screen and cuts a classic Ambrose promo and threatens Rollins.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett: Ziggler appears on the split screen cutting the most generic promo that Ziggler can cut. The same generic crap that he always says. “I am going to become Money in the Bank again! Because I can steal the show and steal the contract!” I feel like a nine year old cuts a better promo on the playground before he gets his face pounded in by the school yard bully.
Ziggler has been working his butt off on Smackdown lately, and Barrett has been on a whole new level over the last couple of months.
During the match JBL talks about the 20th anniversary of the OJ Simpson trial, then segues into the Goldust/Roddy Piper Back lot Brawl from WrestleMania XII, then Cole segues into Goldust’s new tag partner “Stardust” as he cracks up completely burying Cody Rhodes new gimmick. This is the crap we deal with from these two nimrods. There are all of those internet memes of Triple H with shovels talking about how he “buries” talent. Cole and JBL do more on a weekly basis to bury talent than Triple H has done in the last decade. The commentator is supposed to enhance the talent. The number of times JBL and Cole have buried superstars versus enhanced them is equivalent to the number of gold medals the USA team has won versus Mexico in the Summer Olympics.
Bad News goes for the Bullhammer and Dolph reverses it into a roll up for the surprise victory. **
Ziggler is quickly becoming the “Mr. Perfect” (Circa 1992-1993) of the WWE. He is just there to put on good matches and nothing else.
After the match Barrett hits Ziggler with a vicious Bullhammer out of nowhere. The Bullhammer is the best finisher the WWE has right now. It is protected, its vicious looking, it is realistic, and it can come out of nowhere. All of the right ingredients for the recipe of a good finisher.
Joe Lanza is going to be so mad. Titus O’Neil didn’t wrestle on Superstars because he is here on Smackdown to take on Adam “Russell Brand” Rose.
Adam Rose w/ The Exotic Express vs. Titus O’Neil: Titus starts off in control barking and telling Rose that there ain’t gonna be no party tonight. Rose school boys O’Neil for the quick win. N/A
Rose stage dives in celebration. O’Neil then cuts an anti-PG promo. Saying “Hell” “Damn” “Rugged Ass” and “Hell” again. Calm down Titus! Titus then demands that Adam come down and wrestle the match again.
Adam Rose w/ The Exotic Express vs. Titus O’Neil
Adam runs into the ring and school boys O’Neil again for another quick win. N/a
Both matches lasted less than 60 seconds and Adam Rose squashes O’Neil not once, but twice. Good luck seeing him wrestle Rusev in a “Big Hoss Classic”, Joe Lanza.
Seth Rollins comes back out to join the commentating team.
Kane vs. Dean Ambrose: Dean Ambrose has traded in his Shield gear for the “Ryan Atwood” look. Anyone else a fan of The OC? Oh, c’mon! Don’t tell me you guys don’t enjoy some good ol’ teenage melodrama complete with nerdy comic book geek emo kid Seth Cohen and badass Ryan Atwood? Anyhow… Benjamin McKenzie (actor who played Ryan Atwood) is now portraying Lt. Jim Gordon in the new series “Gotham”. Dude from the OC plays an iconic character from Batman? I’m sold. And I’m sold on Dean Ambrose as Ryan Atwood. Makes perfect sense.
The first time I ever watched Dean Ambrose wrestle was in a Street Fight vs. Jimmy Jacobs at an Insanity Pro Wrestling show. I was enamored immediately by the guy and he wrestled in jeans. I thought that was his normal attire until I YouTubed him and now he is back to wearing jeans.
Why do I care so much about what wrestlers wear? I’ll never know. I have an affinity for creating pretty awesome attires on WWE 2k14. It is probably my favorite thing to do on that game. Even over wrestling in actual matches. Maybe I should be a wrestling fashion designer. Hm…. Nahh..
Alright, there is a match going on. I worse than JBL and Cole. Ambrose is fighting as if it’s the match of his life. Ambrose makes a suicide dive to the outside and then jumps over the announce table to attack Rollins. Ambrose jumps off the table and Kane uppercuts Ambrose. Kane defeats Ambrose in the ring and it sells Ambrose as wanting to beat down Rollins more than he cares about winning a match. *1/2 Ambrose vs. Rollins can be a great feud that could be drawn out through 2013. Maybe with an actual meaningful Hell in a Cell match come October. Imagine that. A Hell in a Cell match that serves a purpose in the midst of a bloody hate filled feud.
Zeb Colter appears in the ring with Jack Swagger. Zeb cuts a promo on Big E, Lana, and Rusev in this triangular feud.
Big E vs. Swagger: Big E comes in and blasts through Swagger with some tackles and the Big Ending. N/A
These squash matches are getting out of hand.
In the locker room Fandango is knocking on Layla’s door trying to get her to hurry. Summer Rae appears and apologizes to Fandango for not treating him right when they dated. Summer admits to being possessive. Summer says Layla truly loves Fandango, but she will never love him like she loves him. Summer than conveniently begins to make out with Fandango as Layla walks out of the locker room and catches them. Talk about teenage melodrama. Pft.
Bo Dallas vs. Fandango: Fandango comes out dancing solo. During Fandango’s entrance we get a recap of what just literally happened. Even when I was a kid I always wondered about the percentage of people who just tuned in and needed a recap like this vs. the number of people who watched it the first time it happened and didn’t need a recap.
Summer Rae runs out excitedly and begins dancing with Fandango. Layla then runs out and attacks Summer Rae. Fandango goes out of the ring and tries separating the two. Layla and Summer Rae make their way into the ring. Layla goes to kick Summer Rae and catches Fandango. Bo checks on Fandango after the girls run to the back and then hits Fandango with the Bo-Dog for the win. N/A
Seriously. Can we get a real match?
Bray Wyatt is in the back cutting a promo about the other 6 participants in the WWE Ladder match. He refers to them as blind mice fighting over a piece of cheese. Bray asks them what will happen when the snake enters the fray.
We have thirty television minutes left as Roman Reigns makes his way to the ring. Maybe this 4 on 3 match will get a good amount of time to play out. I always dig a good 6, 8, or 10 man tag WWE match. As long as they are given a decent amount of time to wrestle they can be pretty entertaining. I kind of wish they would be staples of their PPV’s, much the way NJPW throws together tag matches like this for their big shows.
Roman Reigns, John Cena, and Sheamus vs. Bray Wyatt, Alberto Del Rio, Randy Orton, and Cesaro: We start off with Cesaro and Sheamus beating the snot out of each other and it is short lived once Bray tags in. Cesaro then tags himself back in much to my delight.
Sheamus, Cesaro, Barrett, and Drew McIntyre (yes, I am already asking for them to bring him back) should all feud and wrestle each other in different combinations of bad ass Europeans on every WWE TV show. I’d be happy with that.
A predictable all out brawl breaks out in the middle of the match with all of the participants. Bray Wyatt beats Cena down. Completely telegraphing the hot tag to Reigns. Reigns has yet to be in the match and the fans want to see Reigns go ballistic.
ADR, Wyatt, Orton, and Cesaro all trade tags and take turns beating Cena down. Cena runs over to get the hot tag to Reigns, Cesaro intercepts and toss Cena in the air for the Very European uppercut! 1….2… KICK OUT!
ADR then enters the ring and cuts Cena off with a drop kick to his knee followed up with a super kick that sounds like a gun went off. Reigns gets the hot tag and cleans house. The crowd is going ape shit crazy for him. This dude is over.
ADR goes for the cross arm breaker, Reigns shoves ADR off and hits him with a spear for the win! ** This match could have been better if you cut the Cena beat down in half. It built drama for the hot tag to Reigns, but was longer than necessary.
Over the last 4-5 weeks Smackdown has become the show of squashes. This episode was no exception. But, Smackdown is being utilized to further storylines and build guys up. I love that aspect of it. Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, and Dean Ambrose all appear to have bright futures. It is only the infancy of their singles runs, but as of yet none are headed to the “lost in the shuffle” section of the WWE roster.
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