As I settled in for Superstars this week, I rubbed my hand together in giddy anticipation of this week’s Titus O’Neil match. Who would the certified WWE hoss be matched up with this week, I thought? A rubber match with Big E? A rematch with Dolph Ziggler, who has a Titus beating coming his way for stealing a win last week? Maybe a HOSS battle with Vader or Stan Hansen?

Wait, what? No Titus O’Neil this week?!

Unacceptable. In defiance of this transgression, I am stubbornly using the same Titus O’Neil picture that I use every week from the VOW archives as the story photo for this review (this is both out of protest, and also because I couldn’t find a decent Jack Swagger pic). And if Titus isn’t back next week, I may have to call in sick  and stick this thing on Dylan Hales or Bryan Rose.

1. Nikki Bella vs Alicia Fox – Nikki Bella was wearing her “thick chick” socks again. I don’t know what qualifies as “thick” these days, but i’m almost positive it isn’t Nikki Bella. If anything, society’s standards have swung in the opposite direction, with western culture being far more accepting of voluptuous women being considered attractive than ever before. Even by TV or celebrity standards, Nikki Bella doesn’t even approach a frame that i would consider “thick”. If Bella is thick, what does that make somebody like Natalya? Mickie James knows the answer to that one. Anyway, Nikki won this. After the match, Fox took off her boots and threw them at Nikki. Fox was wearing mismatched socks. Since we’re teetering on the edge of delving into my sexual psyche anyway, mismatched socks is a pet peeve of mine, to the point it can be a deal breaker when i’m entertaining a lady. Break that one down, Dr. Kinsey. *

RAW stuff is shown.

After commercial, they show the battle royal that determined the final entrant into the MITB Championship match. One quick note about that. Remember when they set up this totally epic stare down between Roman Reigns & Triple H at the last PPV, and the crowd went…mild? Nobody cared, and they both looked like complete geeks doing the “milk the fan reaction” face. Compare that reaction to the fans going absolutely mental for the Reigns/Rusev face off at the end of the RAW battle royal. Listen, I’ve been preaching it for weeks, but they need to push Rusev to the moon. I’d put the title on him.

As for as Roman Reigns, if he’s trying to make “Believe That.” happen, he should probably stop. But watch now, as Reigns catches fire, BELIEVE THAT becomes the next AUSTIN 3:16, and somebody digs this review up in 2016 to laugh at me when Reigns draws 120,000 to the Jerry Jones Dome in Dallas for Mania.

2. Rob Van Dam vs BIGG HOSS Jack Swagger – Titus may be the Superstars certified hoss, but Swagger is the BIGG HOSS. And as the last Swagger fan on Earth, i’m OK with that. I think Swagger might be the most underutilized & misused piece of talent on the WWE roster. There was a time when RVD didn’t need piped in heat. This current RVD run is like watching Randy Johnson hang around for win number 300 with the Giants. Yeah, he still threw 98 MPH and had something resembling a slider, but those few extra miles per hour and that extra half inch break on the breaking ball make all of the difference. He still looks like RVD (I mean, physically the guy simply doesn’t age…or change his gear…or his haircut…he’s had the same exact look for nearly twenty years), and does RVD things, but the fastball is missing a few miles per hour and you get the sense he’s hanging around to sneak his way on to as many DVD’s & PPV’s as he can to beef up those quarterly residual checks as he creeps towards the autograph circuit. Best spot in this match was Swagger catching RVD on the top rope and hurling him across the ring BIGG HOSS style. RVD recovered, hit the frog splash, and that was that. Best RVD match in ages. ***

Batista: The Animal Unleashed is out on DVD. I cant comprehend why anybody would sit down and spend three hours watching Batista matches.

Flashback to the 2012 MITB match, which featured Cena, Big Show, Kane, Chris Jericho, and The Miz. I have zero recollection of that match. As in, none. It’s weird how I can remember entire ECW cards I went to 20 years ago or random NOAH matches or whatever else, but so many of these big WWE matches are erased from my brain literally seconds after they occur.

The show wraps up with the end of the Cena/Kane stretcher match from RAW. No need to watch that again, so i’m out of here.

Titus next week or we riot.