WWE Raw is tonight! All that’s really been advertised is comedian Kevin Hart will be there. I hear he’s funny, but since this is WWE they’ll find a way to make him not funny. Or maybe he’s so funny he’ll be able to counteract WWE’s attempts to be funny. Oh, and there’s some PPV in two weeks or something. Let’s get things started!
We start off Raw with the entire roster standing in the entranceway. Apparently, there will be a critical announcement forthcoming by the Authority. They make their way to the ring. They talk for a while about the Daniel Bryan situation. They ask who will join the already qualified Money in the Bank participants. Those not already qualified will participate in a battle royal. Triple H says Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns won’t be in it because they didn’t adapt and evolve. John Cena won’t as well. But he will participate in the match tonight. He’ll be facing Kane in a stretcher match. Let me set the DVR right now.
Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler: REMATCHAPALOOZA~! Hey, I don’t blame them. After cutting 11 people on Thursday the roster depth situation here is worse than ever. They had a long match, but it was good and heated. Lots of good near falls. Seth Rollins hits the curb stomp, but Ambrose runs in and causes a DQ.
Ambrose demands Rollins gets down here and fight him like a man. Triple H appears on the screen. Good news is, he wants to fight. But he’s afraid he’s got some bad news for him. He’s going to face Bad News Barrett in a match next.
Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose: Why is Dean Ambrose wearing a leather jacket in June? They had a long match. Back to back long matches is not really that great of an idea, to be honest. Not that I want constant dumb talking angles like Impact. Maybe I should shut up. This was fine as well, not as good as the previous match but still perfectly alright. Seth Rollins suddenly appears on top of the commentary table. Barrett tries to jump Ambrose, but Ambrose lifts open the ring and he tumbles out. Ambrose with a crossbody off the top rope to the floor as he gets up and chases Rollins out of the arena. Wade Barrett comes back in and gets the win for the DQ.
Doesn’t matter though, as Ambrose comes in and gives him the dirty deeds DDT and leaves him lying. Later, geek champ.
Vickie Guerrero is seen carrying coffee backstage. Reigns says he wants her to put in a good word for him so he can be in the battle royal tonight. Vickie says they don’t want him in it. Reigns says that hey, she’s a Guerrero, that means something. When are you going to stop being the coffee runner, he asks. He reminds her that they probably want sweetener. She goes to get it, but Reigns does something with the drinks. When he comes back and asks her what she’s going to do with the Authority, she sneezes. Prelude to…something, I guess.
The Wyatts come out. This has probably been done for weeks, but people are using the flash on their phones to illuminate the crowd while they do their entrance and promo and that’s super cool. Wyatt starts talking about power and how it corrupts. That’s his game. The WWE title represents all the power that he needs. If the WWE title is so powerful, why were the Authority harassing Bryan every week about vacating it? He says look at his family. They are viewed as outcasts. They will destroy the Usos and take all that power that they have. At Money at the Bank, he will stand at the top of the ladder and change the world forever. He starts singing his song again as suddenly SHEAMUS comes out.
Sheamus says it’s bad luck to walk under a ladder. He challenges him to a match. They accept and have it right there. That’s weird.
Sheamus vs. Bray Wyatt: They start off pretty nicely. Sheamus manages to get on the outside, but before commercial the Usos arrive to even things out. As we come back from commercial, the crowd was LOUD! Too bad it was CM Punk chants. They continued having a brawl until they do the third non finish of the night as they Wyatts interfere. The Usos and Sheamus clear the ring using the ladder with the Usos using it for a big dive on the Wyatts and throws the ladder at them when they finish.
Vickie brings the Authority their drinks. Where was she for the last 30 minutes? Stephanie happily takes her drink. Triple H bumps into Vickie and gets coffee all over her. Triple H tells her to get him another one. Stephanie drinks the coffee. UH OH!
Stephanie is with Renee. She’s still drinking her coffee. She suddenly runs away, the coffee getting to her. Paul Heyman arrives out of nowhere. Says that there’s only one man with a strategist in his corner. Mentions the Undertaker thing. Says that was a spoiler, and so is the fact that Cesaro will become WWE World Heavyweight champion.
Heath Slater vs. Rusev: Lana waited until they got to the ring to do their promo. They had a new picture of Putin. It’s not nearly as funny as the old one. They changed Mount Rushmore to put on pictures of Putin, Lenin, Gorbachev and Rusev. Slater cut a promo saying if they like Russia so much go back to it. Straight out of 1985, this. Rusev wins with the Accolade. I typed this before he even got to the ring so I can look on twitter for a bit.
Stephanie is sick backstage. Triple H demands to check on her. Stephanie barfs all over her. Repeatedly. They leave her in charge. Vickie screams. Vince McMahon laughed, so that’s all that matters.
Back from commercial, Reigns checks in on Vickie, who is still covered in vomit. He asks to be put in the battle royal, and she accepts.
Kevin Hart is interviewed by Renee backstage. He plugs his new movie. Adam Rose comes in and says he wants Hart to accompany him to ringsidede for his match next. Hart said um no. Rose said don’t be a lemon, be a rosebud. Hart looked baffled.
Layla and Fandango vs. Summer Rae and Adam Rose: Kevin Hart is on commentary. They talked about the shirt he’s wearing, some sort of sweater with a big fish on it. It’s peculiar. There was a catfight. Summer chases Layla to the back. Fandango misses a move and eats Rose’s finisher for the win. Hey, at least it’s a clean finish. Hart comes in and celebrates with Rose after.
Battle Royal for a spot in the Money in the Bank match: No one got an entrance except Reigns, who has his own titantron now so I guess the Shield is kaput. He kept the cool music, though. Here’s a question. So if Rollins did adapt and become associated with the Authority, how come he isn’t in this match? Sandow, dressed as Lebron James, immediately got eliminated. That gimmick so annoys me. I don’t even know why. The only one here not a geek is Reigns. Well, that and Rusev. And I guess Bo Dallas, but..you know. Kofi didn’t do his contrived OMG HOW DID HE DO THAT spot he does in every battle royal. Last three in the ring were in fact Bo Dallas, Roman Reigns and Rusev. Dallas eats a spear and gets eliminated. Rusev and Reigns have a short scrap. Crowd was hot for this. Rusev looked strong, but fell out of the ring after a superman punch by Reigns. This turned out to be pretty great towards the end. Before it was very dull.
John Cena is interviewed by Renee. John he cut a goofy promo about his match tonight. I’d be a little more concerned, John. You’re facing THE DEMON KANE who hasn’t won a match since returning despite being very dangerous. John came off here at like Ken Kennedy levels of annoying. Not Miz annoying, though. So there’s that.
Paige vs. Cameron: Yes, they’re allowing Cameron to wrestle in a singles match live. Cameron was being a total heel here. I guess they’re teasing a split between the Funkadactyls. Maybe. Who cares, not important. This was more of a back and forth match, but it’s not like anyone here’s over or anything. Gee, I wonder how that happens. This seemed longer than usual. Paige wins with the “modified scorpion cross lock that Paige calls the PTO, the Paige Tap Out”.
They went over the Rhodes brother storyline. Goldust is interviewed. Goldust says that he has met him. He likes him. I have a feeling my theory last week was right.
Goldust and STARDUST vs. Rybaxel: Cody is now dressed up completely like Goldust with different facepaint and new contacts. Surprisingly this isn’t as awful as I thought it would be. Stardust wins quickly with a modified stunner off the turnbuckle, apparently the diamond dust used by Masato Tanaka. I liked this, honestly. AND I WAS RIGHT! I am Nostradamus. When it comes to pro wrestling, anyway. I want to see more of this team.
Stretcher Match – Kane vs. John Cena: I can’t contain myself. They brawl around the ring for a while, using the stretcher as a weapon. They beat on each other for a while. Not very interesting at all. An AA into the announce table picks things up. Cena puts Kane on the strecher and looks to win but Rollins and Orton interfere. Ambrose comes in for the save and gets rid of Orton and Rollins but eats a chokeslam by Kane. Cena comes in and lays out Kane. He puts him on the stretcher and goes to win at the mark, but Kane gets up and goes to chokeslam Cena. But Cena sidesteps and hits the AA on the stretcher, sending Kane to the mark and he wins. So he’s in the Money in the Bank match. He celebrates as Raw goes off the air.
This was fine. Most stuff had purpose, and the theme was getting the PPV over in two weeks. They accomplished that, at least for the main event. The tag team title match added should be good as well, and I’m assuming Rollins and Ambrose are going at it as well so that should be good. Money in the Bank is shaping up to be a good PPV quality wise. As for who wins…hell if i know. Hell if WWE knows.