So this might be the lowest rated Raw in some time, given that it’s Memorial Day, there are big sports games on, and we’re coming off a low rating from last week. Oh, and overall Raw isn’t lighting the world on fire lately. Maybe tonight, as the go home show, this Raw will be different! There’s a contract signing and everything between Evolution and the Shield that will surely result in a fair and civil signing with no brawls whatsoever.

Memorial Day tribute starts Raw. Thanks to all those in the military!

Stephanie and Triple H, THE AUTHORITY, make their way to the ring. Why do they need a trademarked name? Ok, ok, let’s be nice tonight. I’ve been excessively complainy here lately. Tonight is all about choices. Daniel Bryan has a choice in whether or not to surrender the WWE title. You all want him champion, and they didn’t want to be right about this, but he’s injured and the WWE champion needs to be here every night. His body is a B+. Triple H brings out Brad Maddox. He goes over what happened last week with Brad allowing the Shield to commentate, screwing up Evolution’s business in the Reigns/Batista match from last week.

Stephanie says she has no choice, much like Brad had no choice last week. Kane comes out and destroys him. Stephanie then fires him. Well, whatever, this was the first time he’s been on TV in weeks. Have fun in NXT, you wonderful contribution to Monday Night Raw you.

RVD vs. Cesaro: REMATCHAPALOOZA~! Why are two of the #1 contenders for the geek belts squaring off? Doesn’t that mean one of them will lose? BRAD MADDOX IS THE NUMBER ONE TREND WORLDWIDE ON TWITTER. How is that even conceivable? Maybe he’ll get some job offers now that he’s fired. A simple match, nothing to write home about though it was acceptable. Heyman distracts RVD; Cesaro hits a bridging german for the pin. I’ve seen this exact finish somewhere recently. Sheamus came running down and brouge kicks Cesaro because they’re having a match on Sunday.

Summer Rae vs. Eva Marie: They proceeded to have a nothing match until Fandango and Layla came out. Layla started to make out with Fandango. This distracted Summer, allowing Eva to roll her up for a win. About as exciting as it sounds.

Orton and Batista were backstage. They were interrupted by Goldust and Cody Rhodes. After taking shots at one another, including mentioning 10 years ago they were Triple H’s lapdogs, and 10 years later, well…yeah. He made a good point here. Rhodes brothers wanted a match. Triple H came in and said fine, he’ll put them against Orton and Batista. He made sure to mention that it wouldn’t be any ordinary match. He then ordered them out of his office like a bunch of geeks.

Drew McIntyre vs. Torito. Some comedy spots early, but McIntyre quickly gained control. He went to Samoan drop him off the top rope, but after some interference between Los Matadores and 3MB Torito tripped him and pinned him. After the match, Hornswoggle jumped him and ripped off his tail. Torito grabbed his butt like it was a real tail.

After the break, they treated like his tail was the real thing. The medic said he wasn’t a veterinarian. HE’S A PERSON. They even established this later when they made a HAIR vs. MASK match, denoting that yes, he’s wearing a COSTUME. I know about suspension of disbelief and all that, but this was stupid.

This transitioned into Bray Wyatt coming down to the ring. He starts singing his song after a replay of what happened last week with him doing his song. He says these words have never been truer. Is he the snake with venom or the cure for it? If you are my brother or sister you will stand by me, if you are against me you will fall. He calls John Cena the enemy. People actually chanted John Cena, which was surprising. He then targets Jerry Lawler because they’re in Tennessee. Wyatt called JBL a coward. He got up, but got laid out by Harper. Best angle ever. Rowan and Harper bring Jerry to the ring.

Wyatt wants to ask Jerry some questions. He’s good friends with John Cena, isn’t he? He never questioned his morality, hasn’t he? He never felt sorry for this? What does it feel like to be a liar? He asks many questions. He says this is the necessary evil he talks about and goes to lay out Jerry but Cena comes in and makes the save, but the Wyatts overpower him. Wyatt goes to give Lawler his finish, but the Usos run in and make the save, eliminating the Wyatts from the ring.

Cena says enough is enough. He has crossed some serious lines. He believes in who he is. He needs to be stopped, and at Payback is not about winning or losing (YES IT DOES) but it’s about being the last man standing. For Bray, Payback will be a bitch. This was miles better than any segment they’ve done since even before WrestleMania.

Zack Ryder got an entrance. WHAT??? He’s carrying the US flag. Well I already know this segment. He got to TALK…for two seconds before Lana interrupted him. She dissed the USA and praised the progressive Vladimir Putin. People chanted USA. Rusev came out and destroyed Ryder quickly with an accolade.

Big E came out and sent Rusev after. So yeah, this is still a thing.

Stephanie is seen talking to Alberto del Rio. Cole insinuated that Stephanie was looking for a potential champion, and perhaps he was it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Randy Orton and Batista vs. Cody Rhodes and Goldust: Most of the match has Goldust being worked over by Evolution. Can I mention how better Raw is without JBL squawking? I wanted to mention that. I mean, the other two are middling at best but you add JBL and its like UGH. Oh right, the match. Cody gets the hot tag and goes for the disaster kick but Orton turns it into an RKO then hits a second to score the pinfall.

Justin Roberts informs us that now this is an elimination match, and it’s a no holds barred match.

Randy Orton and Batista vs. Goldust in a no holds barred match. They destroyed him, save for some hope spots here and there. RKO and Batista Bomb and that’s it.


Sin Cara vs. Bo Dallas: REMATCHAPALOOZA~! This tells you how strained the talent pool is right now in WWE. Maybe they’ll have another rematch on Smackdown. JBL is on commentary. I yelled about this on Twitter so I won’t here. I hate him on commentary. Hate hate HATE. I didn’t hate this match, though. It was fine. He won with the bo-dog. Bo did a victory lap after the match.

Daniel Bryan possibly surrenders the title next because Triple H’s angle has to close the show.

Stephanie comes out and calls out Daniel Bryan. Stephanie says it must be a long, long road to recovery. She says she could strip him, but that would make him a marauder. These people deserve an active champion that you can’t give them right now. He needs to do the right thing for them, not for me. Bryan mentions that his injury is worse than they thought, no thanks to Kane who he mentions is under Stephanie’s control, pointing out what happened earlier on Raw.

This isn’t about them; however, it’s about Stephanie. She’s the one who wanted to strip him from the start. He chants no, he won’t surrender the titles. She said she was afraid this was going to happen. Stephanie points out that Brie put her hands on her two weeks ago. She says she will give him one more opportunity to surrender the title at Payback, else she’ll fire Brie. Well, ok. Then I’m not sure what the point of this segment was. I wish this Bryan/Authority angle was over.

Alicia Fox vs. Emma: REMATCHAPALOOZA~! They had a short match. Fox, the challenger for the title, was pinned. WHY. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR WWE TO BOOK PEOPLE COMPETENTLY? SHE IS THE CHALLENGER FOR THE TITLE. MAKE HER LOOK LIKE PEOPLE WILL GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HER ON THE GODDAMN PAY PER VIEW. Alicia then destroyed her after. POINT? She then did her crazy shtick this saved it from being a complete failure of a segment.

I tried to be not complainy on this show. It doesn’t seem to be working.

Mask vs. Hair match, Torito vs. Hornswoggle on the Payback preshow on Sunday. Awesome!

Davy Crockett vs. Adam Rose: Damien Sandow’s gimmick has gone from shooting on where he’s at on the card to dressing up as people to kill time on the show. I think there’s a rib here somewhere. I was going to go on about Davey Crockett’s expertise in the western frontier, because as a History major I can tell you he was full of it mostly, but then I realized what this segment was really about. They made sure to mention John Wayne, who starred as Davy Crockett in a movie once… JBL’s voice in his head mentioned gee, who would like John Wayne. Vince’s obsession with Jim Ross is fascinating. Don’t even tell me this wasn’t a segment entirely devoted to burying Jim Ross. On a show like this, it’s ever evident that this program is quickly becoming nothing more than a vanity piece for Vince McMahon to air out his frustrations on people. Oh, and important Triple H and Stephanie storylines. Actually, I’m sure it’s been that way for years; it’s just becoming more and more evident as the years go on by. It’s very sad Vince McMahon is this detrimental to his own product at this point. Rose won with modified DDT despite Jack Swagger coming out and distracting him with a lemon? What? I thought Adam Rose didn’t want lemons. And why is Adam Rose competing in his first match when that should be on Payback?

The number one watched show this week was Legends House on the WWE Network. Shame on you all.

Sheamus vs. Alberto del Rio: del Rio literally got no reaction. It was fine. This was not the time to put midcard guys on the card to have a 10-minute match. Sheamus goes for the brogue, but appears to be injured from kicks sustained earlier in the match. del Rio unleashes a huge superkick, but only a nearfall. Sheamus appears out of it. Despite being injured, Sheamus brogue kicks del Rio and immediately pins him. Later, geek. Paul Heyman suddenly is on the microphone, announcing Sheamus the winner in the lamest way possible. He mentions the streak, then mentions how winning here tonight didn’t matter because it wasn’t a Heyman guy. Cesaro jumps him and lays him out, so Sheamus is injured heading into Payback. Oh no.

The Shield comes to the ring for their contract signing. They say that they know this isn’t about signing some paper, let’s get down to business. Reigns destroys the nice setup they had for their contract signing. Lawler says this isn’t a normal contract signing. YES IT IS. IT’S EVERY CONTRACT SIGNING LIKE EVER. Evolution comes out. They said after they sign it, it would be the last time they ever see the Shield on Raw. He remembers when they signed their contracts that they would be the future of WWE. Now he’s going to see the ink dry on their contract to see them fall into obscurity. Triple H asks if they’re sure that want to sign it. They sign it then throw it to Evolution. They all sign it. Reigns says get in the ring and fight. They brawl. I saw this three times in a row last week, I think. This time Triple H got the sledgehammer and used that to even the odds. They triple powerbombed Reigns through the table to end the show.

Final Thoughts:

I can be cute about this, but in the end, this was just a terrible show. Just bad stuff throughout, and what wasn’t bad has been done to death already in the last month across all their other programs and it’s coming off as lazy. Thank heavens WWE doesn’t have to care about buyrates anymore or else I can’t see many people interested in this show. WWE desperately needs a reboot after Payback because…eech. The Wyatt segment was good, though. So leaving this review on a positive note, yay! I accomplished what I set out to do. Happy thoughts. See you all Sunday and Monday!

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