The show starts off with Triple H, because what Raw these days doesn’t. He said when it’s all said and done, it’s your fault. He’s going to end the Yes movement because they forced his hand. He says he’s going to tell Bryan some stuff later tonight. This brings out Batista, looking fantastic as ever. He asks why he’s putting that goat faced troll in his match. He’s not cool with that, man.
Triple H says you think Daniel Bryan has a shot at beating me? This brings out Randy Orton. He says he agrees with Dave. Triple H says that is not gonna happen because Daniel Bryan doesn’t have a chance. Has Daniel Bryan really gotten into their heads? Dave responds by saying not as much as he’s gotten into yours. Orton says he wants Daniel Bryan in the ring in a no DQ match tonight. Triple H agrees.
Orton then goes into Batista, saying no one cared when he left and people cared even less. Batista outright said that Orton sucks a champion and only has the titles because of the Authority’s support. They get into a shuffle and shove Triple H. Batista says he needs to fix it. He fixes it by burying them both and saying if he beats Daniel Bryan, he’ll put himself in the match because the “old man” was right- the only one you can trust in this business is yourself. He leaves as Batista turns around and gets RKO’d by Orton.
The Real Americans vs. The Usos: Usos work over both Swagger and Cesaro early but Cesaro cuts one of the Usos off with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. The Uso starts to fight back but gets cut off by a big boot by Swagger. I dunno which one, sorry. That’s pretty bad, but what can you do, they’re identical!
Back from commercial, Cesaro and Swagger are working over the Uso as Cole mentions if they win tonight, they could be contenders for the title. Well BEATING THE CHAMPIONS should make them the CHAMPIONS, but silly me I’m not the one booking this show. Usos make the comeback on Swagger and Cesaro sacrifices himself for Swagger as the Usos take out Swagger with stereo superkicks, but Cesaro suddenly leaps back to the ring with the uppercut and takes out one of the Usos with a neutralizer for the pinfall. Solid match with a fun ending.
Shield promo. Kane and them bickered for a bit. They seemed to have dropped the Shield turn for some reason unless they’re being real subtle about it.
Hornswoggle arrives to give out St. Patricks Day merch, but Bad New Barrett interrupts. Says he’s got some bad news- everyone here will just get drunk, do a bunch of stupid stuff and regret it the next morning. I have a theory on Bad New Barrett. He is simply there to exist because that’s the creative team’s thing right now, and when they get bored they’ll drop it quickly never to be brought up again. See: mystery Raw General manager.
Sheamus vs. Titus O’Neil: O’Neil comes out wearing stereotypical Irish garb. Add Titus to the list of people who had something but were quickly squandered away by WWE creative humor. Christian was on commentary, being heelish. He’s entered himself in the Andre the Giant Battle Royal. Christian rightfully buried this commentary team for their stupid remarks in the last few weeks and told them to do their job right. Titus grabs Hornswoggle and throws him in the ring as he’s about to assault him but Sheamus grabs him, does his ten clubs to the chest then waffles him with a brouge kick to send him back to Superstars.
Sheamus wishes everyone a happy St. Patricks Day and says he’s entering in the Andre the Giant Battle Royal. He goes to leave, but he’s immediately jumped by Christian as he lays him out with the killswitch on the floor.
ARNOLD and some other guy will be on Raw next week. But those aren’t even the biggest guest stars next week. Scooby Doo and the rest of Mystery Inc. will be on hand! Maybe they can solve the mystery of why there are so many loopholes in WWE storytelling.
John Cena comes out. Says that Bray Wyatt says that he’s a liar, but he doesn’t believe that. At Wrestlemania, it’s not about him beating Bray Wyatt (because nothing about professional wrestling these days is about beating people, as plainly evidenced) it’s about him proving Bray Wyatt wrong. Wyatt then appears on the tron wearing a John Cena shirt. Says that Cena is a liar. He can hide behind
Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan in a No DQ match: What a fresh new match. Bryan is in control early on until Orton whacks him with a kendo stick out of nowhere. Why are kendo sticks just laying around in a pro wrestling match anyway? Orton gains control and lands several more shots with the stick. Bryan fights back and hits a top rope hurricanrana. Bryan grabs a kendo stick and starts laying them in. He goes to the top rope but is cut off by a headbutt to the jaw. Draping DDT by Orton, then goes for the RKO stance but Bryan rolls out of the ring. He smacks Orton with the kendo stick and follows with a flying knee over the barricade.
Orton fights back with a steel chair and smacks Bryan with it. Orton rolls back in the ring, but suddenly Batista comes out of nowhere and spears Orton. Bryan covers him up and gets the three count in a pretty good match.
Batista lays out Orton with a Batista bomb after the match.
Paul Heyman comes out and does his usual thing. He introduces a video about Undertaker’s streak, showing how he barely won the HBK and HHH matches. The video then shows Brock Lesnar taking out Triple H and Shawn Michaels and says that at Wrestlemania, the Undertaker and his winning streak will rest in peace. This was ok, but didn’t feel all that inspired.
Stephanie and Triple H were in the back where Stephanie questions about Triple H just wanting to “talk” about Daniel Bryan. Stephanie said Daniel Bryan spit on the legacy of the McMahon family. Triple H says he hasn’t forgotten about that and he made the Wrestlemania match. Stephanie says that what’s going to happen when Triple H wins the WWE title and goes on the road. Umm, aren’t they on TV almost every week anyway? Triple H says he’ll take care of things. Stephanie said he better.
Fandango vs. Goldust: Why do people still do the stupid Fandango dance? HE’S A HEEL. I think I’ve said it ten thousand times already, but it needs to be said because it’s soooo annoying. Goldust danced to the ring with Cody, mocking Fandango. A lot of comedy spots early. Goldust appears to have gotten busted open at one point, but I dunno how. Fandango misses his leg drop, then Goldust hits the final cut for the pinfall.
Corporate Kane makes his way to the ring. He talks about how Daniel Bryan’s actions last week were unsafe and so forth. Says that he couldn’t have done it by himself. He says that someone last week, using his connections in Memphis to help Daniel Bryan. Jerry has no idea what he’s talking about. Kane instructs the Shield to come out and escort Lawler to the ring. Says that he won’t enjoy doing this…well, maybe a little, but it has to be done.
Rollins says that Daniel Bryan isn’t coming out, because they know what’s best for business. They all turn around and look at Kane, whose smile turns into a frown. The Shield take down Kane and give him the triple powerbomb as they lay out Kane. So I guess instead of breaking up they’re just faces now? What?
The Bella Twins are on commentary as the next match starts.
The Funkadactyls vs. AJ Lee and Tamina Snuka: Yes, after being out for weeks Naomi is back with little fanfare. You’d think it would be a bigger deal. Cameron and Tamina were doing stuff, and it wasn’t terrible but not necessarily good. Naomi takes out Tamina with a superkick as Naomi powerslams AJ then hits the split legged moonsault for the pinfall.
AJ is mad after the match and confronts Tamina. Tamina ends up pushing AJ down to the ground so I guess their illustrious history with one another is over. Isn’t it funny after weeks of various teams teasing a split, AJ AND TAMINA are the ones who actually do it? More clues for Mystery Inc. next week.
Mr T. is going into the WWE Hall of Fame this year. I pity the fool who isn’t a fan of T. Also, I don’t know any other celebrity more deserving than Mr. T; I don’t think a lot of people realize how big it was for Mr. T to be in the Wrestlemania 1 main event.
A bunch of people were in the ring. Then the Big Show’s music hits and makes his way to the ring. An inset promo with Big Show revealed that he is indeed going to sign up for the Andre the Giant memorial battle royal.
Ryback. Curtis Axel, Alberto del Rio and Damien Sandow vs. Big E, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry and Big Show: Ok, look. I’ve been nice about the entrances in recent weeks because I don’t want to be repetitive. But really, do you NEED to only have one entrance while everyone else just stands in the ring like a total geek? Are you that hungry for time in this three hour plus program? You really wonder why people don’t get over. Add another one for Mystery Inc to solve next week. Ziggler holds the ground for his team early, taking out several people with dropkicks as we go to commercial. But back from it, Sandow is in control. The heels work over Ziggler until he tags in out, then all the big faces lay out the heels. Sandow tries to club the big show in the back, but Show no sells it and chokeslams him for the victory. This was some nice action.
Renee mentions to Batista in the back something about not quitting. Did I miss something? Batista says he just wants to win the WWE championship then walks away.
The Undertaker will be on the Main Event tomorrow. That’s kinda big!
Kofi Kingston vs. Bray Wyatt: A Wyatt video aired set to an Eminem song, which is kind of amazing considering some of their song choices. Not much to this match. Wyatt mostly dominated and cut Kingston off whenever he tried to make a comeback, then quickly won with the Sister Abigail.
Triple H comes out and calls out Daniel Bryan. Says that it doesn’t matter what has happened in the last six months, but he has to end this whole yes movement at Wrestlemania. He doesn’t like what he did these last few months, but he had to do it because it was best for business. He says that through it all, he respects Daniel Bryan.
Stephanie comes out and shrilly announces she’s pressing charges. This brings out a bunch of cops who come to the ring and arrest Bryan. Triple H is arguing with Stephanie over this as They force him down and put handcuffs on them. Triple H enters the ring and says stop, I didn’t want this. He dismisses them as fake cops as they exit the ring. Triple H says they shouldn’t attack him, because he wants to. He then proceeds to destroy the handcuffed Daniel Bryan for the longest time imaginable. Stephanie goads him on throughout and slaps him a few times. After brawling throughout the ring Triple H lays him out with a pedigree. He says its our ring and there is no yes movement as he and Stephanie pose over the fallen Daniel Bryan as the show goes off the air. This was a tremendous segment but the beatdown lasted FOREVER.
This was a pretty good show. Lots of solid matches. Orton/Bryan has been done a thousand times, but it’s still good. But I would also add that to the list of matches that I don’t need to see for a while along with Orton/Cena and Christian/Sheamus. As far as matches are concerned, WWE needs to add some fresh matches to this show or otherwise there’s a stench of staleness about the show that’s hard to ignore.
The ending segment was really well done. This wasn’t just another beatdown of Daniel Bryan, it was Triple H who finally stepped over the line and destroyed him. For months we’ve seen the Authority kinda get involved but really have sent their henchmen towards Bryan. Now it’s just Triple H and he’s set to destroy Daniel Bryan- I’m liking where this feud is going. Whatever happened to the Shield split, by the way? Are they holding it off for Wrestlemania or what? This feud with Kane is weird after spending months teasing a split.